Keeping your nose to the grindstone will only get you so far. You’ll never advance if you can’t socialize. Start small, then learn to work the crowd, today.

Even my horoscope is yelling at me. Slow the freak D. O. W. N.

I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying.

I am grateful for the boyfriend, who by being in my life, is keeping me from becoming a complete hermit crab. I never thought that I would be the kind of person who wanted to have a set-in-stone, weekly-date-night. But I do. I am really appreciating it right now. Even though not all of our dates are full of romance and passion, with fairy-tale kisses and firework-displays; they are perfectly suited to where I am right now, and what I need.

Last night was the perfect example of this. I had nothing planned, other than him coming over, and cooking a meal, maybe watching some of the TV show that he is introducing me too. He shared with me that he wanted to go out with this group of friends, for pizza. A group that he is slowing getting to know and enjoy their company, and I as well. They are all nice people, and of like-minds; so its nice to get to just be ourselves with them. It was a low-key, outing, where we got to see each other face-to-face, and hold hands, and talk about our days. All the while, sharing some food and good company with nice people.

So, to the Universe – I’m working on it. And Zack is helping. 🙂

grateful vs resentful

I struggle with this one a LOT. More than I would ever like to admit to anyone. I find it hard to be grateful for what people choose to give me, and seem to become resentful towards them, for when they choose to withhold from me.

I can remember resenting my Momma, when she flat-out turned me down, at my offer to have her babysit Rebecca. Rebecca was an infant, and I was a tired brand-new mother. Momma was still working full-time as a teacher. After teaching 135 children all day, coming home to a screaming kid, was not her idea of a good time. I can’t say that I blame her. Yet, I do remember resenting the fact that I had no help in those days.

As the babies kept coming, Daphne just a year later. Then Bronwyn 3 after that. Each time asking my folks if they wanted to attend the baby’s birth, or to be there to help out, I was told, “No thank you.” By the time Russell came along, I didn’t even make the offer. Resentment settled in as I watched them traveling 672 miles to my sister’s side each time she gave birth, yet couldn’t travel the 23 miles to my home.

I used to joke that I could count on 1 hand how many occasions my parents had babysat for my children. 1 hand. That’s less than 5. Over the course of my having 4 children spaced 8 and 1/2 years apart. Yes, there was a lot of resentment built up there.

In recent years though, my parent’s attitude towards grandparenting changed, as well as their commitments towards being teachers of children. They have taken care of my children on so many occasions I can no longer keep the count. I know that it must look strange to outsiders, and feel even stranger to my parents when I gush and gush and gush my gratitude towards them, each time that they help me out. Phone calls, texts messages, even taking one or both of them out for a meal, to show my thankfulness. I know that had I not spent those years being turned down, I would not appreciate it half as much, as I do.

Along with that lesson I think that is why it is so very hard for me to actually ask for things. I’ve become so accustomed to being told, “No.” that I don’t feel, that I deserve very much in life. Instead I find myself just trying to do everything on my own, and having to work twice as hard, because of these chains.

Maybe the lesson isn’t so much as to be grateful for what I get, but to also keep in the forefront of my mind — don’t ask, don’t assume, just accept what you get and be thankful for that.

That is a type of tequila actually…  LoL

But it is also a Nine (9) number.  Nine is a number of completion.  It is usually reserved for when we have accomplished something.  When we have obtained success in a matter.  Generally business related.  But I like to think that it is also in our spiritual paths as well.  Most of my “Ah Ha!!” moments happen on Nine days.

My life path is changing so rapidly I am having Nine days – almost every nine days! I sometimes can’t believe that its March already, and yet, when I think back to just last week, I was hanging out with Kreed just a week ago – and it feels like a Month has passed since I was being hugged by her. Again, that whole Time-Relativity thing is happening, still. Of course when I was with her, I had another Nine day…. Figures.

Some really auspicious occurrences in my life have a happened on Nine Days. Daphne’s birth. The day that I graduated from Willy. The day that I met Tigger and Christopher. The day I quit college and moved west. The day that I chose to be born.

I can’t wait to find out what happens on the next big Nine Day.

Okay so I know that things are up in the Universe because the Ex and I are getting along. Or maybe its just my attitude. Or this way in which I am trying to be a better person. I have a few relationships that I know need some working on. The one with the Ex-husband, is one of those. So I am trying to be kinder. Nicer.

I start with things like asking about his girlfriend. I know that Rhonda is not going anywhere. She is a part of his life, and therefore a part of my kids’ lives. So we might as well get along. I can start by just asking about her health. She has fought cancer in the last couple of years, and so I want to acknowledge that. To be kind about her. Ask about her. I don’t think I will be taking her a casserole any time soon. But this is a start.

Talking last night with Barry on the phone I even went so far as to offer to skip Russell’s baseball game on Thursday night. I know that Rhonda would like to see him play, but that she won’t go if I’m there. I can’t say that she doesn’t like me, because I cannot assume what she likes, and doesn’t. I can only say that she feels uncomfortable around me, because she did the one time that we met.

With regards to his payment of things for the kids. He’s making an effort. I appreciate when he sends the Child Support, but I don’t rely on it for the payment of any actual household bills. I would like to see him reimburse me for things like all of the back-to-school stuff, but I know that without a steady job, that makes it hard. I won’t go into him not working, as that has always been a sore subject between us. I have faith that when he has the money, he will do right by me.

We even talked about that issue, and are making a list of the funds each of us has paid out, on the children’s behalf since August. He regaled me with the stories of the latest clown-like proceedings for Pop’s probate. I told him my advice, and then told him, “I should just shut up. Its not my place to get involved. We always had that agreement, you would deal with your family, and I would deal with mine.” I even went onto reassure him, after he was talking about his brother and the situation that this puts him into. “Pop trusted you to do the right thing. I have faith that you will make good decisions there.”

When it comes to the kids I think that it is better there. He wants to see them more, and so I try to create situations that will allow that. He tells me that I need to go and do things for myself, and so I try not to feel badly about asking him to watch his own children. I’m trying when it comes to that. I feel like he’s still trying to buy their love, instead of giving them the structure that they need. So long as I’m around to provide that to them most of the time, it should work out in the long run.

We communicate well on each of the children’s needs and behaviors. He seems to be more interested in listening to how they are doing, rather than pointing out to me how I am getting it wrong. Like study hall, and food choices. He even agrees with me that Daphne should have to be responsible for the repairs of her phone. That my forcing her to pay for half of them, and allowing her to make the choices on how its repaired, is fair.

WoW! Right? He agreed with me.

So I like to think that perhaps this newer way of looking at my life is going to be a great thing for everyone. Even for my Ex-husband, whom I told today, “Hey! You know what? You aren’t bad as an ex-husband. You’re pretty good.”
Ex: “Yeah, I’ve heard that from a few gals.”
Me: “Wait, you mean I’m not your only ex-wife.”

We both laughed.

It goes back to when we were engaged, and my father that that Barry had an ex-wife. Barry and I decided not to get married in the church. I was no longer a practicing Catholic, and he wasn’t much of anything. Daddy thought that the reason we weren’t getting married in the church was because that Barry had already been married once. LoL

Seriously, I would give him a recommendation, as an Ex-husband.

On the evening of Tues October 7/Morning of Wed October 8, a rare and exciting astrological event will take place: A Selenelion, or a total lunar eclipse taking place at the same time as the rising or setting of the sun. A lunar eclipse happens when the moon goes into the shadow of the earth, and depending upon the atmospheric conditions of earth, it can appear different shades of red.

This week’s eclipse will especially unusual and rare. At the time of the eclipse, the sun and the moon will be exactly 180 degrees apart in perfect alignment, but BOTH with visible in the sky at the same time for some minutes depending upon your location. According to celestial geometry, this event is an impossibility. But thanks the refraction caused by the earth’s atmosphere, the images of both the sun and the moon will be lifted in the sky, allowing people to see the sun for several minutes before it actually has risen, and the moon for several minutes before it has actually set. Very cool!

Astrologically, this eclipse in particular brings highly transformational energies. While people sometimes dread eclipses because of the energies that can be stirred up (not to mention the ominous blood-red color), this is not something to fear, especially if you are conscious and prepared. This is the fourth of a series of lunar eclipses this year, and all have brought with them a focus on endings, beginnings, changes, deaths, and rebirths. This week’s eclipse will be the most powerful of the year, heralding in extreme change and radical shifts, both on individual and societal levels. The moon falls in the sign of Aries (the Greek God of war) which is ruled by Mars, a volatile sign twinged with warrior energy and fire. (For more in depth information on the astrological alignment taking place and all of its features, I recommend consulting with Mystic Mamma.)

It is of utmost importance to remain conscious of how you are working with these energies- During periods of intense transformation such as these, emotions can run HIGH- we can become reactive instead of active, we can become angry and direct our frustrations to the people close to us. Because communication difficulties are being exacerbated by the Mercury Retrograde from Oct 3rd- Oct 25th, it is especially crucial to be explicit with communication and to not take things personally! Here are some other tips especially relevant to working with the energy of this total lunar eclipse in Aries:

I’m not sure what I can add to this, other than I am grateful to be living in FL right now. To be able to see this tomorrow morning. To work with the energies that are occurring right now. To be able to use them, for my Highest Good.

As they say: Go Big! or Go home!

I’m going BIG!!!

I seem to have chosen the right time to work on my healing, and transformation. Glad to know that I picked a moment that the Universe would be so willing and able to assist me in it.

To stay right here in my shell, for the time being.

You need to chill out a bit and make sure that you’re not speaking out of turn — it’s way too easy for you to offend the wrong people today! Things may seem a little wacky, but you can manage.

Yep.
As if I needed a good reason to sit right here and just keep to myself these days. I really am quite happy here, safe, and alone, in my little shell. Just minding my business, and allowing myself to just be still and quiet.

I am grateful that the people in my life, who know me best, and love me, understand this about me. I appreciate that they reach out to me in their own ways. I get the texts, the emails, the phone messages, and FaceBook keeps on me about some PM’s I haven’t read yet. I am so grateful that they don’t harp though. That they leave their message of loving concern, at my doorstep, and understand that it may take me a while to respond to them.

For the 2nd and 3rd things I wanted – I combined them into 1. I got my ride and my dinner. I am so thankful for Wolf for being such a nice guy. Most guys, when they have to cancel, they simply walk away and you don’t hear from them for months! When Wolf had to cancel on Wednesday, which really totally upset me at the time, he rescheduled right away. I agreed to Friday, but inside wasn’t going to hold my breath.

Well Wolf was not like the other boys – he really showed up!

It was after he got off from work, and so we didn’t get to leave until after the sun went down. He warned me to bundle up, but I was ahead of him. I had my silkie long johns on under my jeans. I wore my wool socks, as 1 of the 2 pairs of socks. I had my wool sweater, along with my wind breaker, on. The only part of my body that got cold were my fingers. I had my gloves on, and one hand tucked into the pocket of his jacket, at a time. (*he is a large man, so I could only reach one side or the other*)

We rode out to New Symerna Beach, like we had before; but he took a different route. Which was fine, although I think I could have enjoyed the views more, if it had been light out still. I did enjoy the night sky and the fact that Wolf would point out the scenery when he wasn’t keeping us safe on the road.

We had planned on having dinner, then heading up the coast, to Bike Week, in Daytona. We never got past dinner. By the time we got there, we were both frozen to the bone. The restaurant had a great big open fire pit. Wolf made sure that we got to sit right next to it. He was old fashioned and helped me take my jackets off. Then even let me sit on the same side of the booth as him, so that we could both sit next to the fire.

We talked and ate, and enjoyed the fire until they were closing up. We watched them put chairs up, and start cleaning up the restaurant. That’s when we realized that we would have to do what we had both been avoiding. Going back outside! Its not like the air was getting any warmer as the hours passed by. So we eventually got up, paid the bill (*which he insisted upon*), bundled up, and got back on the Green-Eyed Lady.

I may not have gotten to bed until nearly 2am last night – but I am so grateful for the way that the Universe not only reminded me of things, but that it kept its promises afterwards.