Trying to get everything done for every one.
Running out of time.
So many pulls, so many different directions.
I’m looking over what Chonteau and I talked about.
It’s all about ME!
So how is this all about me?
I want to live simpler. More authentic.
The Universe is trying to help me. I know it. Pushing to give me what I want. What will make me truly happy. But I have all of these obligations. Demands on my time.
I told a friend today, “No.” It really bothered me to say that to her. She wasn’t asking much, but I still said “No, I can’t do that.” I offered her other alternatives. A different day. I know that it wasn’t easy for her to ask me either. Yet, I wanted to respect my self, and my boundaries, and what I needed for me. I told her, “No.”.
Why Did that bother me?
Because I don’t want her to not like me. I don’t want her to think that I am not here for her. That I am not a good friend.
I want to be a good friend. Being a good friend means being there for them. Helping them. Doing what you can for them.
If the roles were reversed. I would not think bad of her. I would understand. I would respect her for taking care of herself. I would be okay.
So why do I think so little of myself for doing the same thing?
In this same day, I made the decision to Not do something for somebody. Not necessarily a friend. The person who wants me to do something for them, for free. The person who has had me do this for them for several years. Without any compensation, or giving back. Except, for the one year, when he made a lot of money, and gave a $100.00. Which I really appreciated at the time. And I didn’t mind all the other years, doing this for him, when he didn’t have anything to give me in returned.
So why do I mind, doing this for him now, for free?
I feel as though he’s using me. He has had seven months to do this. There were times when I was ready to do this for him, had the time, made the appointment, and he didn’t follow through. And it is like this every year. I don’t feel a sense of appreciation, from him.
I know that this is my talent to give. That it is a way in which I contribute to my community. I love to do this for other people, but I dread doing it for him.
If I want to live in more authentic life… Then I have to do those things that make me feel good.
So tonight, I decided that I really don’t want to do this for him. I don’t want to go through this hassle any longer. I want to just cross him off of my to-do list.
The moment I decided to just give back to this person, all of his documents and stuff, rather than expend the time and energy to do this service for him… I felt a lighting of my body.
Now, I just have to give him back as documents, in such a way, that there is no drama. I do not owe him any explanation. I simply have to tell him, “You will have to have somebody else do your taxes.”
Because to create a drama out of this, would not be very authentic. Even though, I am always felt I needed to give an explanation for everything I’ve done. To justify my choices. To make my choices, acceptable to somebody else.
They only have to be acceptable to ME.
Is giving him back as paperwork and not doing his taxes, with no explanation, acceptable to me? Is telling my friend no, and offering her an alternative, acceptable to me?
I don’t know.