Marcella, you are the one who was sent to make a difference, to be a bridge, to light the way, by living the truths that have been revealed to you, so that others might do the same. 

So now you know why you’ve always seen the world so differently than others. 

To help, 
    The Universe

Have I mentioned how much I appreciate the opportunity to be alive?  Especially right now.  In this time. With these people.

I have felt this message, in various forms, for my whole life.  I have tried to see the world, the way that my parents did.  The way that my extended family does.  The way that friends see it.

I just don’t.  Maybe this is why I have always needed glasses.  My sight has always been “off”.

I want better in the world for my kids.  I had to break up the unhealthy marriage, so that the cycle of abuse could be busted.  I mentioned it before, the love and gratitude that I felt, from generations of my family, all coming at me, from the past.

Its a lonely place sometimes.  But I know that it’s worth it.

I’m frustrated.
Irritated.
Trying to get everything done for every one.
Forgetting things.
Running out of time.
So many pulls, so many different directions.

I’m looking over what Chonteau and I talked about.
It’s all about ME!

So how is this all about me?

I want to live simpler. More authentic.
The Universe is trying to help me. I know it. Pushing to give me what I want. What will make me truly happy. But I have all of these obligations. Demands on my time.

I told a friend today, “No.” It really bothered me to say that to her. She wasn’t asking much, but I still said “No, I can’t do that.” I offered her other alternatives. A different day. I know that it wasn’t easy for her to ask me either. Yet, I wanted to respect my self, and my boundaries, and what I needed for me. I told her, “No.”.

Why Did that bother me?

Because I don’t want her to not like me. I don’t want her to think that I am not here for her. That I am not a good friend.

I want to be a good friend. Being a good friend means being there for them. Helping them. Doing what you can for them.

If the roles were reversed. I would not think bad of her. I would understand. I would respect her for taking care of herself. I would be okay.

So why do I think so little of myself for doing the same thing?

YET!!!
In this same day, I made the decision to Not do something for somebody. Not necessarily a friend. The person who wants me to do something for them, for free. The person who has had me do this for them for several years. Without any compensation, or giving back. Except, for the one year, when he made a lot of money, and gave a $100.00. Which I really appreciated at the time. And I didn’t mind all the other years, doing this for him, when he didn’t have anything to give me in returned.

So why do I mind, doing this for him now, for free?

I feel as though he’s using me. He has had seven months to do this. There were times when I was ready to do this for him, had the time, made the appointment, and he didn’t follow through. And it is like this every year. I don’t feel a sense of appreciation, from him.

I know that this is my talent to give. That it is a way in which I contribute to my community. I love to do this for other people, but I dread doing it for him.

If I want to live in more authentic life… Then I have to do those things that make me feel good.

So tonight, I decided that I really don’t want to do this for him. I don’t want to go through this hassle any longer. I want to just cross him off of my to-do list.

The moment I decided to just give back to this person, all of his documents and stuff, rather than expend the time and energy to do this service for him… I felt a lighting of my body.

Now, I just have to give him back as documents, in such a way, that there is no drama. I do not owe him any explanation. I simply have to tell him, “You will have to have somebody else do your taxes.”

Because to create a drama out of this, would not be very authentic. Even though, I am always felt I needed to give an explanation for everything I’ve done. To justify my choices. To make my choices, acceptable to somebody else.

They only have to be acceptable to ME.

Is giving him back as paperwork and not doing his taxes, with no explanation, acceptable to me? Is telling my friend no, and offering her an alternative, acceptable to me?

I don’t know.

OPEN TO TRUST

“When I grip the wheel too tight, I find I lose control.”
— Steve Rapson

WE SEEK TO CONTROL OUR LIVES WHEN WE DO NOT TRUST, WHEN WE DO NOT LOVE. Our ego, perceiving itself to be vulnerable and insecure, uses control in an effort to protect itself.

At the root of our need to control, we find FEAR. It may be fear of the unknown. Fear of not coping. Fear of loss. Or possibly even fear of looking stupid. And as our efforts to control other people and events invariably fail, our fear increases.

Trust, on the other hand, is a quality of the soul. While control is a tool of the mind, TRUST AND FAITH ARE ASPECTS OF THE HEART. Trust comes with the deep knowing that we are spiritual beings in physical bodies. When we trust enough in life to give up our need to control, we can relax and open to the flow of energy in our lives. This brings peace of mind.

“The only real security in life lies in relishing life’s insecurity.”
— M. Scott Peck

There’s that word again.

TRUST

The universe is the funny thing. It seems to remind me of the same lesson, from several different sources. In this case from a good friend, from my weekly emails, like the one above,  and from something that I have begun to incorporate into my life.

I have spoken out, written about, made comments about, for years and years and years, that I don’t trust well. I have felt that I have always had a hard time with it. And the Universe, being such a great thing, and well part of me, conspires to help me grow. In all of my comments and mentioning of not trusting, I am given lessons on how to do just that.

There’s so much time in a day, .
You could have breakfast, lunch, and dinner on 3 different continents.
You could outline the book you’re going to write, start the screenplay adaptation, and watch “Gone With The Wind,” before the sun even sets.
Spend a day at work, and still have 16 hours left over.
Or you could just think 60,000 different thoughts as you tool all over .
Hey, the record for climbing Mt. Everest is under 9 hours, leaving 15 to nap and go Yeti searching. There’s so much time in a day, . So much.

You’re rich,
The Universe

PS: Especially, , when one stops claiming there’s so little of it, huh?

Time is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

It has never occurred to me until recently, how time flows differently for each person. I always thought it was the same for everyone. Then things popped up for me that make me realize how very ‘perceptive’ time is. Although it is the only ‘set’ thing that occurs.

Everyone’s perception of time is completely different. Much the same way that everyone’s perception of God is different. Each is based upon individual experiences. As a child I used to think that time draaaaggggggeeeedddddd byyyyyyyy sooooooo vvverrrrrryyyyy slllooooowwwwwlllllyyyyyy. But as an adult I think that time is spinning by too fast!

I saw the movie, Lucy a month ago, and was really taken aback by some of the ideas portrayed. The whole world around us changeable. That there really is no tree / sky / plant / building / animal / person, that can not be altered, and changed. That if we were to use our minds, and look outside of ourselves, we would find that we create what is around us, as surely as we create an object. Nothing is permanent. That the only thing that is constant is time. Time doesn’t change in the sense of color / texture / spacial relationship to other spaces, or objects. Time simply “is”.

How time moves, and progresses, is constant. Our perception though, changes.

Look back upon the year already passed, and it seems to me as if summer was only a few weeks long. It was still 3 months, and the time the children were out of school, hadn’t changed. Yet my perception that it passed by so quickly is based upon all of the activities that took time. Each one seemed to eat-time-up, each day. It is MY perception that there was never enough time for things. Yet, I have a friend for whom summer passed by unbearably slow, due to his life experience. Each day filled with unending time.

I know that I have not written much in my journal these last couple of months… really since the spring. Just filling in the holes, here and there. I am trying to go back and fill in more of these holes, because my journal serves not only as a place to empty my head, but to also journal my time here on the planet. To express what has happened to me in my life’s journey. And I will.

When I have Time.

What was in my email box this morning: 🙂

The greatest perk, among countless others, that comes from loving someone right now, just exactly as they are, instead of waiting for them to change, is that you get to love someone right now.

Love on,
The Universe
PS: And we all know how good you look in love.

See my previous thoughts about Love here: Love More and here: I Believe in Love

Love has no ends. It has no beginnings. It simply “IS”.

So, Yes. I love **. I love who he is right now. I also love my Sweetie. I can’t help it. Love it seems “looks good on me”. 🙂

I wouldn’t change what has happened. I know that there are lessons in love to learn. I believe that something great will occur from all of this love. I just know it.

Look how much you have, Marcella, look how far you’ve come, look how fast it happened, and, you have to admit, how easy it was. All in spite of your fears, worries, and self-doubts.

Silly.

You crack us up,
The Universe

PS: You’re going to remember this, Marcella, next time you fear, worry, or self-doubt, right? Keep dreaming and stay the course no matter how much you fear, worry, or doubt, and we’ll all have a good laugh about this when you get “home.”

I love the Universe. I swear who ever comes up with these, and puts them in my email, every week, must have some sort of hidden camera into my life. Even the parts that I don’t have posted out here, in the world. The private entries. The ones that people get to read, after I’m dead. These emails speak to those, too.

I took time yesterday, to fall back on some old practices. To do things that I used to do when I was younger. Things that feed my soul. That put back into balance what has been, thrown eschew.

I could have continued to feed the most current drama occurring, by responding to messages on FaceBook. Or getting all ranty and upset at someone’s choice to no longer be my friend, on FaceBook. Instead I decided to feed the world around me, especially people in my life; with Love.

I took time to sit by the water, and breathe. To rest my back against the tall tree. To put my feet and butt down into the earth. To let them feed me with their energy. Returning that blessing and raining it down on the other people in my life. To just be love. And peace. And joy. And compassionate understanding. Nothing more.

My friends, people who actually read all of my journal postings, and even have privy to the secreted ones; asked me in all of this drama – why don’t you stand up and say something? “They aren’t seeing the whole truth. Its not like you went and posted the names of the people who thought these things about your cousins’ choices. Boy, wouldn’t they be shocked to know who their real friends are. Why are you letting them do this to you?”

No need to stand up and shout from the rooftops that things they believe are not complete truths – and that if they really heard me – then they wouldn’t be half as upset. I could ask them to open their eyes, and ears – but that’s not my job to do. I didn’t make their choices… and its not my responsibility to change their’s. Its their choice to pick sides / to rant and rave / to unfriend / to piss and moan – about my thoughts and feelings. I don’t need to do the same thing, in return.

I don’t need to ‘feed the drama’.

I just need to feed myself – good things… and like the Universe reminded me this morning. It came easier, and quicker, to decided upon my course of action. The same fears of being Unloved, or Unwanted aren’t there any more. The same self-doubts that I carried as a child, aren’t as prominent any more.

In the past, at this type of situation, I would have not only fed the drama. I would have given it seconds. I would have responded to every PM and follow-up email. I would have fired off emails to everybody I know. I would have called up people’s parents and ranted and raved. My worries would have had a glutenous feast!

This time my worries just got starved.

So recently its been brought to my attentions that I am not doing well. My sleep is off. My appetite is off. My moods are all over the place. My Sweetie and my brothers, have started getting “up my butt” – in a good and gentle way – about taking some time for myself.

I’m listening. Finally.

Tonight is Sister Circle, and while I need to go and get all juiced up, I don’t feel like driving down there, only to turn around and drive home tonight; and then drive back down again tomorrow night. Why not just stay over? Cause its cold. I mean bitterly cold out tonight; and I don’t want to sleep out there if I don’t have too. While Kelli had room for me last month, she may not have room for me this month. And I really do want to just lay back, and relax. I don’t feel like going there, and being all social with a bunch of people. People that I adore and love, but I know that I have nothing left to give to them, and Circle is as much about giving, as it is about receiving.

The kids are all going to Barry’s tonight, so I know that I don’t have to worry about their well-being this weekend. There are a bunch of projects that I would like to get accomplished, around the house and out in the yard. The pool desperately needs to be cleaned out. I know that I should be doing so much more, but instead I went and had a massage today.

I love my Sweetheart so much. Tim takes incredibly good care of me, especially considering the distance. He sent me a gift certificate for Valentine’s Day for massages. Yes, that’s an (S) as in multiple massages. Like I said, he takes amazing care of me. He knows how much I need to relax.. and that was 3 weeks ago! Imagine how much I need to relax at this point?!

When I got to the spa I looked at the ‘fun cards’. There are several decks to play with. Each deck is different. By different artists. Different themes. I like to that regardless of your spiritual bent, you won’t be offended by them. I always choose the same deck, because it seems that no matter what I think I will get, I get some thing completely different. AND its always something that I really need to hear. To be reminded of. Today’s card was…

I ask the Universe for what I want and need. Then I allow the Universe to give it to me.

Or something similar to that. I sat with that idea the whole massage. I really do need to not only ask the Universe for what I want. Or get so out of balance with myself, that other forces / people / places / things start to inflict their will on me, to put me back into balance. I need to also sit there with my hands out stretched – opened – palm up – and say: “Yes. Thank you I will take that.”

I’d love a nice dinner out – but I am not asking anyone to go out with me, because I can’t afford to do take them out. And that is one of the problems with me lately, assuming the responsibility of everyone else’ needs, instead of just taking care of my own.
So for tonight – I’m just going to make some food that I like, and curl up on my couch, to decompress.

I think that some brussels sprout crack is calling my name.