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So after talking to J, the girls’ therapist, I’m going to give Daphne what she wants. I’m going to let her move-in with her dad.

After all, I will be out of town this weekend, till Tuesday. I can add on tonight, and make it nearly a week long thing for them all.

Oh yes. Them all!

A few things about this that came up in talking with J.

1) Baggage goes with you.
Is that Daphne (and her dad) have got to learn that her baggage is going to follow her, wherever she goes. Life doesn’t get easier just because you move away from home. You still have to find ways to cope with your life. You still have to learn how to express your emotions. You still have to do your homework. No matter where you live.

Sure its going to be easier when there is nobody around to hold you accountable, right up front. Yet, it will catch up to you all the same. Usually though by not dealing with it, in the beginning, you end up having to deal with a much worse situation. Call it Karmic Interest.

2) Your siblings get to move out too.
Oh yes. Rebecca, Bronwyn, and Russell all get to come along. Its not fair to them, if Daphne gets to go live a live of luxury over at Dad’s place, and they still have to eat green beans for dinner. I’m not going to sit here and defend the idea that somehow she gets to have special privileges of no Study Hall, no curfew, fast-food take-out, no laundry duty, no chores, and no accountability for where you’re at, or who you’re with; if the others don’t.

The EX complained that he doesn’t get to spend time enough with the kids, well here you go. Which is a complete falsehood, because it is rare, to non-existent that I ever deny him, or them, time together. He even admitted this to me during our “conversation” this morning. AND again, when I brought it up, while we were having an additional “conversation” about this Trial Week.
Me: At any point do I force the current child-time-share agreement?
Ex: No.
Me: Have I ever told you that you were late in bringing the kids home on a Sunday?
Ex: No.
Me: Have I ever told you, No you can’t have the kids, and take to the beach; because that is on a weekday?
Ex: No.

3) Living at Dad’s means Living AT Dad’s.
No coming home 9 times in a day because you forgot something. No coming back to the house to sleep on school nights. Yes, Rebecca and Daphne do this. They pick and choose where / when they will sleep at home, vs sleeping at Dad’s. They don’t like having to walk the extra 7 blocks to the school bus in the mornings. But sleeping here at home, when I’m not here; is basically not living with either parent. Its living alone. They don’t get to do that during this Trial Week.

Living there means following all of Dad’s rules. If that means going to bed at midnight, or sleeping on the floor, or having to throw out the trash. So be it. I will not be driving by your Dad’s with fast food, because you didn’t like what he was serving. Oh, he does this to me, all the time. He will simply come by the house with a bag from Taco Bell, as I’m serving dinner.

So this will be a very interesting 6 nights. I know, I know, I know – a week is 7. Be grateful for the 6 days, I’m not sure I can handle more than that. I’m trying.

OPEN TO TRUST

“When I grip the wheel too tight, I find I lose control.”
— Steve Rapson

WE SEEK TO CONTROL OUR LIVES WHEN WE DO NOT TRUST, WHEN WE DO NOT LOVE. Our ego, perceiving itself to be vulnerable and insecure, uses control in an effort to protect itself.

At the root of our need to control, we find FEAR. It may be fear of the unknown. Fear of not coping. Fear of loss. Or possibly even fear of looking stupid. And as our efforts to control other people and events invariably fail, our fear increases.

Trust, on the other hand, is a quality of the soul. While control is a tool of the mind, TRUST AND FAITH ARE ASPECTS OF THE HEART. Trust comes with the deep knowing that we are spiritual beings in physical bodies. When we trust enough in life to give up our need to control, we can relax and open to the flow of energy in our lives. This brings peace of mind.

“The only real security in life lies in relishing life’s insecurity.”
— M. Scott Peck

There’s that word again.

TRUST

The universe is the funny thing. It seems to remind me of the same lesson, from several different sources. In this case from a good friend, from my weekly emails, like the one above,  and from something that I have begun to incorporate into my life.

I have spoken out, written about, made comments about, for years and years and years, that I don’t trust well. I have felt that I have always had a hard time with it. And the Universe, being such a great thing, and well part of me, conspires to help me grow. In all of my comments and mentioning of not trusting, I am given lessons on how to do just that.

I don’t usually publish stuff on here that is written by others, such as this. This has touched me soooo deeply I couldn’t let it go. I’ve watched it a dozen times in the last few days, since finding it on FaceBook. This woman has written my life. She has been able to put to words my journey, in a way that I haven’t been able too.
My gratitude to you Lucy.

Click this link to find a short movie called “Mine”

He was my comrade. Sinking into the trenches.
I wanted to rescue him…
If that meant bearing his loathing… his insults.
If I could have swallowed his sadness….
I would have.

But I wasn’t his comrade.
I was a prisoner of his war.
Until a friend made me listen (*thank you Elena*)
After 20 years, I made a break for it… (*with my children in tow*)

I am not a casualty of his war.

I am mine.

These words remind me of not “allowing time to soften the edges”. The Ex-husband has been kind lately. He actually said “thank you” to me. I know. I know. Shocking!!!! He has even taken the time to ask about the health of a friend. It makes me remember some of the things about him, that he was capable of. The things that I fell in love with. That made me want to stay by his side, and to heal his demons.

Then I remember. I pause before I fall over the side of that ledge again. I take a deep breath and pull myself back from that very dangerous ledge… of loving him. Of allowing my guard to come down and let him anywhere near that vulnerable part of my self.

I needed Lucy’s words… to remind me of the horrible things that he is capable of. Of the insults. The anger. The nights of fear for my life. The lives of my children. Of the night he was chased down by the sheriff’s dog, and arrested. Of his demons that wanted to kill me alongside of him. To remind me of what is Mine.

And what isn’t.

There’s a loosely termed word, for the people in charge of keeping my child safe.

I’ve been okay in the last 28 days, with Daphne’s care and well-being. When we talk she seems safe. She seems happy. She seems that everything is fair, to mid-lin.

Now though, it seems that these so-called adults are nothing but over-aged children.

I teased Daphne on Sunday afternoon, with the idea of flying up to Pittsburg, PA and meeting her at the airport. Having dinner. Then flying home together. Just so that I could be with her a little bit sooner. She bristled at the idea and told me that she would be fine. To stop worrying so much.

Now, I’m getting a text from her, asking if the idea of me flying up there was still on the table? Could I come and get her from Terri’s house? Seems that Shandelle and Jeremy don’t have enough money between the two of them, to drive from WV, to OH, pick her up, and drive her to the airport in PA.

Huh?

These are the people I’ve trusted to take care of her, and get her to the airport On Time, to catch her flight on Tuesday. Now they may not be able to do that? You’re kidding me, right?

So Daphne says that she will let me know that I may have to fly up there, and come pick her up from Terri’s house, and drive her to the airport. But not to say anything to Shandelle about it. She’s waiting for Shandelle to text her back, and let her know if she is. Or not. She doesn’t want me to start an argument with Shandelle over this. Or Terri.

Huh!!!!

She’s worried about me starting an argument with these people. Trust me when I say that an argument is the least of anyone’s worries – if she doesn’t have a fucking ride to the airport on Tuesday. … and worse!!! If I don’t find this out until Tuesday morning!!

It is taking all my strength not to throttle Terri, through the phone right now. My child should not have to worry about how she is getting to the airport. She should only be worried about having fun in her last 6 days in OH.

I’ve already looked at airline flights – I can get on the same plane as Daphne but it will cost me $758.00. Not to mention renting a car, the gas to get there AND back, the parking fees here in Orlando, and the loss of money at my job.

Over $1,000 all because these people can’t figure out how to drive her to the airport.

There are posts to be ‘posted’ – many of them written down in my paper journal, and working their way here. There are some I’ve written but not posted in public that really should be opened up. There are some that I don’t have words to express, so they stay hidden away in their fragmented state.

I guess you could say that I’ve been hiding. Well at least these last couple of weeks. Some of life’s experiences have been rather harsher than I would like to admit to anyone… least of all to myself. Hiding seems to help that problem. Its amazing the things you can ignore, here in the shadows of a shell. The things you don’t want to look at. In the world around you. In the people you know. In yourself.

The previous couple of months have found me spending more time ‘living new experiences’ rather than ‘writing new experiences’. Which has been good for me. Which I am oh so grateful for. I am so blessed by all of the people, places, and experiences I’ve gotten to meet, see, and do. I know from having tried it this way for the last couple of months, it doesn’t work too well for me either. I need time to ‘think’ and to ‘write’ and to ‘let go’. It gets too jumbled up in my brain otherwise.

Beyond my normal feelings of wanting to just be quiet, in the normal ways… I have been feeling this pull to sit in the west. To sit in introspection. To be still and quiet. I started feeling it around my birthday. I thought it was just my moontime coming. But stronger than just a normal moontime. It is more than that.

I looked upon the calendar, and the stars, for some clues. To the astrology of the planetary alignments, for some hints. To the people around me, and their knowledge, for some understanding. Not too many answers in any of those places that could explain to me, why I was feeling such a strong pull.

So I looked to me, to where I am… and there it was. Becomes Her Vision. 13th Clan Mother of the cycle that I follow.

I’m 12 now… and on my birthday I completed 12 years of sitting in The Circle. I step up now, and walk into my 13th cycle. I have noticed each year as I follow this path, that I find myself spending a great deal of time with one clan mother, or another. I can remember my 1st year, and the newness of everything in my life. In the circle. How I was just learning my rhythms and how to listen to my own inner voice, let alone the world around me. Then in my 7th year, and the lessons of forgiveness. Both in the people I loved, and in myself. My 9th year. My 11th year. Each one, so colored by the stories and lessons of the next mother in the cycle.

This past year I have felt more gratitude and been shown more ways to count my blessings, than ever in my life. In those moments of doubt, and hurt, I find myself turning towards the lessons of thankfulness, for each one. Knowing that in their teachings, I am shaped into the woman that I am meant to be. I know that there is nothing to regret in my life’s journey, because each ‘so-called’ negative thing, is really a beautiful lesson to be grateful for.

So I sit now, with Becomes her Vision… I look inward and try to see the “Who” and “What” of who I have become so far. I open myself up to the Dream time, and all of the possibilities of “Who” and “What” I can yet be. Which takes time away from the world. It takes time of shutting off the phone and not answering each email as it comes across the wires. It means laying on the sweet grass, in the moonlight, staring at the stars, from which we came.

I’m trying to find a balance between this need and the world.

Look at that. A whole day, and I didn’t call her up. See?! I got this. 🙂

Of course, I forgot that she wasn’t at home this morning. I was making breakfast and asked Rebecca, if Daphne and Bronwyn were still sleeping.

Rebecca: “Really Mom? Is Daphne still sleeping?”

Me: “Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I forgot.”

The kids weren’t too bad at rubbing it in. Daphne laughed when I texted her. Though she said she was proud of me, when I mentioned that I hadn’t called her up.

I got this. 🙂