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I miss you.
I missed you yesterday.
I missed you last week.
I missed you a couple of months ago, when I was having a hard time figuring something out; and could have used your help in figuring it all out.

I miss hearing you telling me how I screwed it up, and how I should make it better.
I miss feeling you picking me back up, when I’ve fallen flat on my face.
I miss you showing me how to be the best Me, that I can be.
I miss you teaching me to spread my wings, and take those chances.

I miss watching you with my kids.
I will miss seeing you celebrate their triumphs, and milestones.

I miss your advice.
I miss your quiet patience as I figure it out.
I miss your laugh as you tell me, “Marcella, Marcella, Marcella… you’re over thinking it. KISS it.”

Today is your birthday… and I miss you.
I miss your smile.
I miss your hugging me.
I miss Who You Are, as a Person, Walking Around on the Planet.

I will probably miss you tomorrow.

Godmother and me... on my first bike ride.... November 1980

Godmother and me… on my first bike ride…. November 1980

Your kindness and sweet spirit are beyond any I have ever known, and I am grateful that you came into my life. It is my deep admiration and love for the person you are, that makes it very difficult for me to say….. (fill in the blank)

Where do guys come up with this crap? Really? I should be so grateful that he thought I was “kind”? That I have a “sweet spirit”? That hearing this will some how make hearing the next part easier? Easier on whom?

It doesn’t make it any easier. I’m telling you this, from more experiences, than I care to admit too. Fill in the blank” is usually something along the lines of “I’m unable to be your friend any more because of my new girlfriend.” Or, “I think you’re a great gal, and I love that you offer me all the juicy details on how to score with girls.” Or even better, “I’m taking you up on your advice and being kind to my Ex… so now we are dating.”

If you are grateful I came into your life, then why am I no longer in your life? If you admire me so much, why are you dumping me on the roadside? If you love me, then why are you walking away? In an “email” no less. Which interestingly enough, you point out “I know an email is not the best way to tell you this,” No shit, dipshit.

If I am such a great-catch, and such a good person, then why am I alone like this? I tell people not to put me up on a pedestal. I tell them that I’m not that perfect. That I have faults. I’m the first person to admit that I am stubborn, judgmental, and swear like a sailor. I point them out to those who want to come into my life and be a part of it. Did this person suddenly find out about my ugly-side?

Is that why? Or is it like others, they just decided that they wanted something else. I hear it, more and more these days. Heck, in the last 9 months I’ve managed to “Be a Great Friend” myself out of a good riding partner, a good sex partner, and now what I thought was a man, I could love.

Should I stop being this “kind soul” that they mention? Stop listening to them, and supporting them in their daily lives? Stop having such a “sweet spirit”? I don’t even know what that is, or how to have it, or NOT to have it. I don’t know how to stop wanting the best for people. To stop trying to fill them up with love and healing. To stop encouraging them to finding their happiness.

Should I stop being “Me”?

Why do people think it’s so much better to hear the words “I don’t want you in my life any more”, if they preface it with some flowery pose of nice attributes?

178912_462332123845787_1018895287_n

It was a “tater tot” sort of day.

That day when all you want to do is lay around, and fill yourself up with tater tots. Those little balls of ‘not-good-for-you-at-all’, ‘nothing-but-chemical-crap’, that when baked to a golden brown, make you feel better.

They aren’t the best thing to eat. They are better than filling up on something worse, like vodka. Which I don’t drink, ewe. So I’d have to replace my glass with tequila. Patron with a slice of orange, please. But knowing what sort of day it is, I can say that I knew better than to fill myself up with that.

The bag of tots though, sat there, already opened, and getting freezer burn, so it really was a win-win situation, in my eating them. Not a whole bag, mind you. Bronwyn and Russell helped me eat them. And it was just a 3/4th’s full bag. Okay, it was the largest bag possible. I only buy them big, you never know when you’ll need more tots. Its always a good thing to have on hand.

The bag is gone now… I wish that I could say the same for the reason I ate them all.

I was clearing out some old things, in putting things in our new computer desk, that arrived this morning. Bronwyn did such a great job helping, by getting everything off of the old one last night. Piling it all up on the dining room table. Then absconding with the old one, and putting it in her bedroom. 🙂

I was given a painful reminder, in the process.

There among some old holiday cards, Mother’s Day cards, Easter cards, and birthday cards… was the one that my God-mother gave me when I turned 40.

Birthday card0001

She really did have the best sense of humor. I like to think that, with my father’s genes, and my time spent around her, that I gained a little bit of it. She did love to laugh. She had a great smile, that lit up her whole face. All the way up to her eyes.

There are very few years that I can remember, not getting a card from her. Even when we lived in Saudi. It may have been late, but there was always a heartfelt message from my God-mother, honoring my birth.

I was reminded that this year, I won’t get a card from her. There won’t be a funny sentiment about my getting older. There won’t be a gift card for a lunch together. There won’t be small token of something to embellish one of my hobbies. There won’t be that reminder that she loves me.

I tried my best to just let it go… but she was also good at encouraging me to express myself. No matter what the emotion. So I just laid down in my bed, curled up with my pillow and let it all out. It was a good cry. In a brief moment, I thought I could hear her saying, “It’s okay. It’ll get better.”

I have faith that one day it won’t hurt so much to think of her.

Gate #105
OIA

Okay – so I can do this. I can. I can. I can. (*repeat until believed*)

Its just 34 days. How hard can it be? Just over a month. It will fly by with such speed, that I will be standing here wondering where the days went too. Just 819 more hours to go.

I enjoyed having Taylor here these past few months. I know that Terry worried about her as she flew, and home again. Heck, she had to change planes in Charlotte, NC. At least I’m lucky that Daphne is on a direct, no connecting flights, not even stopping to pick up other people, flight. I know that there is no way for her to get lost between here and Pittsburg, PA. And Terry will be there, at the gate, to collect my precious baby and keep her safe.

I know in my heart that this will be fine. I wish someone would convince my mind, and it’s cohort in fear, my imagination. Which seems to be running all over the fields of space and time; coming up with a different picture, at an astonishing rate. Who knew I could be this imaginative?

In preparation for this trip, I had so many reservations… feel free to read backwards, and see the many things I have worried about. Its quite the list.

Right now though, my baby is on a plane. I watched her walk down the boarding ramp. I tried to go with her, to make sure that she got to sit next to someone nice, and that her seatbelt was buckled the right way. The guy at the door said I had to just let her go. *sigh*

I kissed her forehead, and told her that I loved her. Then they shut the door and everything. The guy who took her boarding pass, walked away. Its pushed back from the gate, and isn’t even here in the airport any more. I watched it. It flew up into the air. I really should go home now. People are starting to stare.

Of course I could just sit here for the next 818 hours, right?