Okay so I know that things are up in the Universe because the Ex and I are getting along. Or maybe its just my attitude. Or this way in which I am trying to be a better person. I have a few relationships that I know need some working on. The one with the Ex-husband, is one of those. So I am trying to be kinder. Nicer.

I start with things like asking about his girlfriend. I know that Rhonda is not going anywhere. She is a part of his life, and therefore a part of my kids’ lives. So we might as well get along. I can start by just asking about her health. She has fought cancer in the last couple of years, and so I want to acknowledge that. To be kind about her. Ask about her. I don’t think I will be taking her a casserole any time soon. But this is a start.

Talking last night with Barry on the phone I even went so far as to offer to skip Russell’s baseball game on Thursday night. I know that Rhonda would like to see him play, but that she won’t go if I’m there. I can’t say that she doesn’t like me, because I cannot assume what she likes, and doesn’t. I can only say that she feels uncomfortable around me, because she did the one time that we met.

With regards to his payment of things for the kids. He’s making an effort. I appreciate when he sends the Child Support, but I don’t rely on it for the payment of any actual household bills. I would like to see him reimburse me for things like all of the back-to-school stuff, but I know that without a steady job, that makes it hard. I won’t go into him not working, as that has always been a sore subject between us. I have faith that when he has the money, he will do right by me.

We even talked about that issue, and are making a list of the funds each of us has paid out, on the children’s behalf since August. He regaled me with the stories of the latest clown-like proceedings for Pop’s probate. I told him my advice, and then told him, “I should just shut up. Its not my place to get involved. We always had that agreement, you would deal with your family, and I would deal with mine.” I even went onto reassure him, after he was talking about his brother and the situation that this puts him into. “Pop trusted you to do the right thing. I have faith that you will make good decisions there.”

When it comes to the kids I think that it is better there. He wants to see them more, and so I try to create situations that will allow that. He tells me that I need to go and do things for myself, and so I try not to feel badly about asking him to watch his own children. I’m trying when it comes to that. I feel like he’s still trying to buy their love, instead of giving them the structure that they need. So long as I’m around to provide that to them most of the time, it should work out in the long run.

We communicate well on each of the children’s needs and behaviors. He seems to be more interested in listening to how they are doing, rather than pointing out to me how I am getting it wrong. Like study hall, and food choices. He even agrees with me that Daphne should have to be responsible for the repairs of her phone. That my forcing her to pay for half of them, and allowing her to make the choices on how its repaired, is fair.

WoW! Right? He agreed with me.

So I like to think that perhaps this newer way of looking at my life is going to be a great thing for everyone. Even for my Ex-husband, whom I told today, “Hey! You know what? You aren’t bad as an ex-husband. You’re pretty good.”
Ex: “Yeah, I’ve heard that from a few gals.”
Me: “Wait, you mean I’m not your only ex-wife.”

We both laughed.

It goes back to when we were engaged, and my father that that Barry had an ex-wife. Barry and I decided not to get married in the church. I was no longer a practicing Catholic, and he wasn’t much of anything. Daddy thought that the reason we weren’t getting married in the church was because that Barry had already been married once. LoL

Seriously, I would give him a recommendation, as an Ex-husband.

So once again I was painted as The Bad Mommy, this morning, by K, the behavior therapist for Russell.

He had already had his session and we were called into her office. Its amazing to me how Barry only shows up right before its time for us to go back. And I know that K must know this, because she is the one who lets him into the office. The office has an electronic door, that she has to push a button for anyone to get into the door. She also knows that only RJ and I are the ones who show up at the time it starts.

So there we sit. The 4 of us. As we are talking K asks about his behavior at the dining room table. I think back over the week, and we didn’t have dinner all together, other than Monday night, due to our hectic scheduling with baseball and pep squad. So I had no honest answer for her. Although I did tell her that he was behaving better in the car. Not having to remind him as much to sit down and keep his seatbelt on. I was honest in my response, “I don’t notice it in the moment, but if I take a moment to sit and look back on it. Its not any worse than before. Nothing really big pops out at me.”

Then we talk about this morning’s incident with his outburst at me. I felt that it was uncalled for, but understandable considering the situation.

I was in the bathroom, and instead of getting out the big white board with Russell’s list on it, I was giving him the 3 new things he has to do in the mornings. As I was telling him about making his bed, I felt that I needed to be more clear in my communicating; so I expanded upon my first intial statement.
But before I could finish speaking, he yelled at me “I know! I heard you!”

Now I didn’t know that he had heard me, because he wasn’t standing in front of me. I had no eye contact. I had no verbal from him as I began my communications. I didn’t get any immediate response, so I felt I needed to expand upon my reminder, by being more clear of what I expected in the task of making his bed. “Putting your bedding back up on your bed. Pillows. Blankets.”

She asked him if this was true. Stating that perhaps we needed to work on him verbalizing to me, in a kind tone, that he had heard me. Instead of me trying to guess.

I told him, “Yes. I didn’t know that you heard me. I was in the bathroom, when you were in the hallway. When you yell at me that way, it hurts my feelings.”

K: “You shouldn’t do that.”

Me: *looking at her confused*

K: “You shouldn’t internalize it. It gives the child too much power over you. Imagine now that they know this, they are going to use it to try and hurt you over and over and over again.”

Me: “Yes. I know that they do. I have 3 other daughters.”

K: “Its like you should never cry in front of your kids. It gives them the power to hurt you in the future.”

I just shut up. I just sit there and wonder, WTF. I’m trying to teach them that what they do in the world has consequences. That their actions can hurt others’ feelings. I shouldn’t let them know that people have feelings? I’m trying to let my children know that I am a human being. I feel like I’m the place where they learn how to be human beings, themselves. How to treat the other human beings on the planet. To be the one human being that will always forgive them, when they mess up on interacting with other humans.

But I guess I’m wrong. Again.

Of course Barry sits there and just agrees with K, “Yep, she’s right.”

I already know that Russell’s brain differences are my fault. They come from me. I gave him this deformity with my genetics. I didn’t mean too. If I had known this, I wouldn’t have had any children. I wouldn’t have allowed this to happen. I seriously never thought that there was anything wrong with my brain. Sure its hard and frustrating some times. I just assumed it was like this for every body on the planet. Not just me. I get it now. I know that its not normal to have brains like mine. And now my poor son has to live with a fucked-up brain, too.

I just wish that someone would give me a little credit for trying to fix it, instead of constantly penalizing me for it. Where is the ‘good job’ for having attacked the issue with his 504 plan? Which I did bring up, and ask K her recommendations for things in his classroom. Why can’t anyone tell me how good it is that I’ve got this thing done in 6-9 weeks, instead of the 6-9 months that it takes other people? Instead of point-out what a failure I am as a mom. How I’ve got it all wrong in the parenting department.

I already know that I’ve fucked up. No need to keep pointing it out.

So today I had my daughter talk to her pediatrician about the birth control pills. I decided that this year, each kid would be able to do their own time with Dr. Kelly (*not to be confused with Kelli, my midwife*) during their annual physicals. I needed to get my daughter to open up. I can’t be the one to do all of the talking. She is going to have to use her voice. Especially now that she is chosen to take this step into adulthood.
She is so shy.

So we get in there. Its her turn. We are near the end of everything. Which is all normal. I told my daughter to ask Doc her questions.
Daughter – What questions.
me – The ones about the stuff.
D – *stares at me blankly*
me – Well I found out that you can’t go and talk to Kelli, because you’re not pregnant. So here you go. A female medical person, also named Kelly.

Doc to Daughter – You’re pregnant.
D – No.
Doc – You want to be pregnant.
D – Hell no.
(*again looking at me*)

me – Use your voice. Talk to her.

Doc – So this is about sex then?

D – yes.
D – Mom, you don’t want to just tell her.
me – No. You have to do it. She won’t bite.

Doc talking directly to Daughter. “So you’re having sex. Often?”
D – Just the one time.

Doc – You plan on doing it again.
D – maybe. but my periods have never been regular. Ever.

Doc looks to me.
me – Nope. Never. (*then explain the irregularities*)

D – And I don’t know if its because of a pregnancy now. Or the other.

me – Or the stress from wondering if its one or the other.

So Doc nods and we talk condoms. Birth control pills. Pelvic exams. Condoms are must – disease wise. But not 100% – as I inform them both about Russell’s creation. B.C. is okay, after testing is done – and yet not 100% either, due to lack of taking them. Or forgetting. And doesn’t help with disease. Pelvic exams will not be right now unless actively doing it repeatedly.

So Doc is going to have a pelvic ultrasound, to make sure that nothing is out of place and some blood work to make sure that she is healthy enough for B.C. She has always had irregular periods. Before she just worried because she wasn’t regular like her sisters, or me. Now she is worried that she could ‘worry’ about pregnancy when her period is irregular.

And not know if she is just stressing herself out – over worry…
if its a pregnancy
if its just irregular.
if its just worry.

For me – I’d like to know when I get to stop worrying if what I’m dealing with is ‘just regular’, or not. 🙂

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There’s a loosely termed word, for the people in charge of keeping my child safe.

I’ve been okay in the last 28 days, with Daphne’s care and well-being. When we talk she seems safe. She seems happy. She seems that everything is fair, to mid-lin.

Now though, it seems that these so-called adults are nothing but over-aged children.

I teased Daphne on Sunday afternoon, with the idea of flying up to Pittsburg, PA and meeting her at the airport. Having dinner. Then flying home together. Just so that I could be with her a little bit sooner. She bristled at the idea and told me that she would be fine. To stop worrying so much.

Now, I’m getting a text from her, asking if the idea of me flying up there was still on the table? Could I come and get her from Terri’s house? Seems that Shandelle and Jeremy don’t have enough money between the two of them, to drive from WV, to OH, pick her up, and drive her to the airport in PA.

Huh?

These are the people I’ve trusted to take care of her, and get her to the airport On Time, to catch her flight on Tuesday. Now they may not be able to do that? You’re kidding me, right?

So Daphne says that she will let me know that I may have to fly up there, and come pick her up from Terri’s house, and drive her to the airport. But not to say anything to Shandelle about it. She’s waiting for Shandelle to text her back, and let her know if she is. Or not. She doesn’t want me to start an argument with Shandelle over this. Or Terri.

Huh!!!!

She’s worried about me starting an argument with these people. Trust me when I say that an argument is the least of anyone’s worries – if she doesn’t have a fucking ride to the airport on Tuesday. … and worse!!! If I don’t find this out until Tuesday morning!!

It is taking all my strength not to throttle Terri, through the phone right now. My child should not have to worry about how she is getting to the airport. She should only be worried about having fun in her last 6 days in OH.

I’ve already looked at airline flights – I can get on the same plane as Daphne but it will cost me $758.00. Not to mention renting a car, the gas to get there AND back, the parking fees here in Orlando, and the loss of money at my job.

Over $1,000 all because these people can’t figure out how to drive her to the airport.

Man Wanted

Let’s Be Clear:
Absolutely clear! I joined the Biker or Not website, to meet more people who ride.

I am not interested in helping you cheat on your wife/ girlfriend/ significant other/ or mother. I am just a girl, who wants to ride on the back of motorcycles.

I offer to buy gas / food / cold drink. I give great conversation and company. I know how to ride safely. Hold on without strangling. Lean with the motion of the rider, and keep my composure in turns.

I don’t have a bike of my own, and yes I know, at some point I should learn to ride my own…. but there’s something to be said for Riding on the Back. It requires a trust that comes from a special place. Very few have it. I’m looking for those people.

I’ve now ‘met’ over a dozen, so-called bikers; who state in the PM’s and Text messages, that they are happy with a platonic riding partnership. But show up and start drinking, before a test ride has even occurred. Start using their hands, in place of their eyes. And some don’t even bother to ride their bike. How are you supposed to give me a test ride, without bringing the bike? What do you think I’m there to ride?

I’m a girl who just wants to go riding with SAFE – SANE – DRAMA FREE – (gender really doesn’t matter)people. A nice Person that has a motorcycle backseat that isn’t currently occupied.

Is it really too much to ask?

Daphne, J and I talked today about this trip to OH that Daphne wants. She misses Taylor already. Its been a whole 2 weeks. You’d think that her right arm has been taken off. I understand the whole “BFF” thing. I do. I have had those types of friends myself, in my life. I know the void that happens when they move away from you. Especially so far away that you can’t just drive there for a cup of tea, or glass of wine. When they move so far away that even a weekend trip is out of the question. I get it. I do.

But does she have to go now? I mean there are so many things that I don’t think Daphne realizes about her being off in OH. She claims that stress is what causes her to hurt herself. Does she think that there won’t be any stress in OH? That somehow, traveling 900 miles away will suddenly keep her from cutting her skin with sharp objects?

It’s the teenaged sense of immortality, that makes her believe in the magic of things like this. I know it. I was a teenager once. I know, I seem so old, that it was the dark ages, when I was a teenager. After all, we didn’t even have FaceBook, Instagram, or even the internet back when I was a teenager. Let alone cell-phones, to keep us in constant communication with each other. We had to rely on new fangled things, like Answering Machines.

J knows my worries. She is a good therapist; in that she doesn’t dismiss my fears, as irrational, or stupidly over-protective. She may not believe that they are rational, and valid. Yet, she never lets on, or lets me believe that they are anything, but. J and I spoke a bit about it, and she was happy to know that I had my own support system, for getting through this time with Daphne. J is confident that if the things we have agreed upon, are fulfilled, that Daphne will be okay in OH for 5 weeks. That she will make it home, in 1 piece.

Daphne has to complete Three (3) tasks in order for me to buy the tickets. These tasks are not out of the realm of appropriate according to J. J told Daphne that she agrees with my conditions. That they were do-able, and reasonable. At this point, I think that Daphne would agree to just about anything, to get to go to OH for the summer.

1) Daphne has to be back in 34 days. She cannot miss more than 4 weeks of appointments. After the 5th one, she would be required to re-apply for therapy. Meaning, more paperwork. It was a 2 hours process the first time around. I can only imagine what the paperwork would be like for a re-apply.

As well, J feels that Daphne is not cured. She is far from it. The type of therapy that she needs is not something that she can do over the phone, at this point in her healing. She is far enough along, to take a few weeks off; and will be further along, with condition #3.

2) Daphne has to tell Terri about her condition. Straight up. She is at the place in her healing, where she has to lay claim to it, and not be afraid of being honest about her addiction. She has to be able to stand up and be honest with those around her, as well as herself. This is part of who she is, as a person. There can be no hiding it. The more upfront about it, and what it means, to her day-to-day life, the better equipped she is at handling it.

So tonight Daphne and I made a call to Terri.

It was hard, and yet I was so proud of Daphne, at her verbalizing her disorder, out loud. She is such a strong person, my sweet baby.

I was amazed with Terri. Hearing her reaction to Daphne’s confession, made me weep with joy, at her compassion. Not only did she already know, but she told Daphne how proud she was of her, for voicing it out loud. They talked a little about the things that Daphne could do while in OH, to help with her urges. Such as having the baggie of ice in the freezer for those moments when the urge is too much.

The 2nd part of this part of the requirements, is that Terri has a right to know what Daphne is bringing into Terri’s home. It’s extremely important for Daphne’s safety that Terri know what is going on. But more importantly, it’s a sign of respect for Terri.

What made me sure that this would be okay, was Terri letting me know that when she knew what Daphne had, she went to the internet and began to research. She did this of her very own accord. To be better prepared for helping Daphne, and watching for signs. For that emergency situation, if she found Daphne unconscious; she would be able to explain to the paramedics, and get the best help for Daphne.

3) Daphne has to complete five (5) more sessions of therapy before she gets to go to OH. That gives me four (4) more weeks to get used to this idea. To talk it out with my Sweetie. To talk it out with Daphne. To have Daphne do more work, on her healing. Serious work. J and I agree, that if Daphne is not seriously working on her healing, then this won’t happen. We can’t let Daphne go off, if she’s not well enough to make it through. Just having Taylor’s presence isn’t enough. The last cutting, was when Taylor was here.

Having agreed to the terms and conditions of her release to OH… I booked the flights tonight. She leaves on the 18th of June. Which I guess is as good a day, as any. It’s the 20th anniversary of my wedding to her father. So there has to be a little bit of luck in that, right?

After all, that is what lead to Daphne being in my life at all… so, I will take all the luck, I can get, my hand on.. to keep her in it.