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pedestal

So first off – they are lonely places. High up, away from the rest of the world, they are colder usually than down on the ground. There’s never enough room to fit more than one (1) person, so it gets sorta lonely up there. Its boring too. Nothing to do but really sit there, and try not to fall off.

The second part is that they hurt when you do fall off. And you’re gonna fall off. Eventually everyone falls off the pedestal that they’ve been put on. You can’t stay up there forever. Something is bound to happen that throws off the balance that you are keeping, in trying to stay up there on the damn thing. Oppsy-Daisy, we all fall down. When falling down off of the pedestal, not only do you get hurt – but generally you manage to smack into the person who put you up there to begin with.

I got smacked in the head this morning. And it hurt.

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I am so grateful for my friends. I’m telling you there is nothing, that a good long talk with my besties, can’t be solved in my world. Thank you to Elise and Tim for loving me so well.

So I gotta admit that allowing my children to go and live with their father for a week was hard. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I did NOT have a good night on Thursday night. I wallowed in my shit for hours and hours.

As I sat on the plane to Sac on Friday night I tried to figure out, Why. Yes, I was in a total over-thinking mood, all weekend. Poor Tim and Elise. They do put up with a lot from me, and how I am. I can be real mood-killer.

So, Why would it bother me so much to have the children with Barry this past weekend? When in factual light he and I had already agreed that, he would keep the children not only during his weekend, but also on Sunday, and Monday nights, while I was in CA visiting with Elise and Tim. This was only adding 2 nights on, 1 onto each end. Which again, shouldn’t have bothered me; and normally wouldn’t.

So WHY did it bother me so much?

Context.

Before Barry pulled his “Hyde-personality” and “let’s-pick-a-fight”, routine on Thursday morning, I was fine with the kids over at his home for 4 days. Had he asked me to keep them an extra day, as something nice for him; like when he wanted to take them to the beach for 4 days over the summer… I would have said: “Sure. Why not. That would be great. Easier on the kids. I wouldn’t worry about them being home for a few hours on Tuesday night when I arrived home late from the airport.”

But that is not how it went down.

Instead, it was “I’m going to take you to court and sue you for joint-custody of the kids. 50 / 50 so I don’t have to pay any child support. You’re keeping the kids away from me.”

Other than him taking me to court, nothing is further from the truth. Which I pointed out to him, in a conversation about how I don’t enforce our current agreement to the letter. Ever. AND HE AGREED WITH ME.

So why the drama?

Context.

When its me just being nice to him, he doesn’t like it. Why doesn’t he?
I am not him. I won’t speak for him.
I have my theories. Elise has her’s. Tim has his. I have mine. The gal in the check-out line at the Publix has her’s. Every one has their opinion.
Opinions are like assholes, every one has one. And they all stink.

When it comes down to it, I like to be in control. When Barry pushes my buttons this way, bullies me into doing something; I don’t like it. Even if it was something that I was going to do anyways. Its the fact that he bullied me into it. That I felt threatened, and scared of him, once again. Like I was backed into a corner; and did whatever I could, to keep him from hurting me worse, than he was already doing. I followed the ‘fear’ line of thinking. And I let it drag me right down the rabbit-hole on Thursday night.

Hook – Line – and Sinker.

What was in my email box this morning: 🙂

The greatest perk, among countless others, that comes from loving someone right now, just exactly as they are, instead of waiting for them to change, is that you get to love someone right now.

Love on,
The Universe
PS: And we all know how good you look in love.

See my previous thoughts about Love here: Love More and here: I Believe in Love

Love has no ends. It has no beginnings. It simply “IS”.

So, Yes. I love **. I love who he is right now. I also love my Sweetie. I can’t help it. Love it seems “looks good on me”. 🙂

I wouldn’t change what has happened. I know that there are lessons in love to learn. I believe that something great will occur from all of this love. I just know it.

A quick text… that is very long. A reminder… as if it could be forgotten. A question… a request. The answer… already given.

You know I didn’t delete your email. I did read it. Do you really think I want to erase you from my life like you never existed? Why would you conclude that I’m ashamed of you? ..(some very personal thoughts).. I don’t know how things are in the end going to work out…. but I do know that I care for you deeply and have spent the last two days in a very bad place emotionally, knowing I hurt you. For that I’m beyond sorry. Should we talk?

For me, all I could say was this:

I wouldn’t know where to start such a conversation. My email was written from a place of Raw Emotion. I wrote each thought / feeling, as it came to me. I did not go back to edit it. Or even check the spelling. The last time you sent me an email response, I fell to my knees, at reading it. It was a good thing, that I was already sitting down, on Sunday. The shock of emotions hurt / happiness / anger / disappointment / sadness / love, were overwhelming. Please know that I forgive you. I did, in the moments of typing my email. In the end, I want your happiness. Above anything else. I’ve talked to Tim a LOT in the past 2 days. Journaled even more than that. Dreamed about you nightly. Lucid, waking dreams. Of you. Of your happiness. Put you in a shimmering bubble with your wife and daughter. Sprinkled you all with love and blessings. There are facets to me that you don’t know. That we’ve never discussed. That simply can’t be explained over an email. Let alone, a text. LoL. Maybe 1 day I can share with you what “Otter Loves All Things” means. Means to me. Know that I don’t want to stand in your way of happiness. That I only want Good Things for you. And for S (no I’m not publishing her name/ or any others here). And, Yes! I’ve entertained those same ‘horrible ideas’ that would make moving to TX easier. But like you, I’d never want anything bad to happen to my Ex. It’s 1 of the many things that attract me to you. And if you just left S behind, to be here; then you’d no longer have that quality about you that I love. A Catch 22. I love you, **. I want you to be happy. I can’t close the door to you. I don’t have that kind of strength. I know that Everything Happens for a Reason. I can only hope that you’ll remember me, from time to time. In those quiet moments. And that they make you smile. I know that you will find your way. And if you faulter, know that I will Always, always, catch you my dear.

In the end… I think that there really is nothing to forgive. We are human. We can’t fault someone for following where their heart leads. Its a normal thing for the heart to love. I am happy that he is finding Love. I am always in favor of Love. Its just part of who I am.

I know that it took a lot for him to even admit to me what was going on in his life. How out-of-control, his life must have felt; having a relationship with me, and trying to rekindle one with his wife. I am grateful that he proved to be the strong man, I knew he was; by standing up and admitting the truth of things to me. By realizing his own responsibilities, his own limits, and putting things back into balance; both for himself and for his relationships.

After all, he couldn’t have hurt me if I had not allowed myself to be hurt. I opened my heart to him, when he asked me too. I allowed him in, and gave him freedom to treat it, any way he wanted. This is what he chose to do. I allowed it to happen. Now its my responsibility to heal it, after he’s left.

I will not stop loving him. Its just not part of my make-up. Heck, I still love Barry. He may be my Ex-Husband, but he gave me a love of baseball, asparagus, and 4 amazing children. He has many faults, and things that I am not willing to live with, in my day-to-day life.

There are choices that I wish this man would have made differently. Even talked to me about, earlier. Finding out this way, with an email; that praises me, was harsh. It was hard to hear. The shock of it really hit me hard. It was a right-hook out of left-field. Yet, even that I forgive.

His emotions are his own. I will not take responsibility for them. I do take claim of the way in which I wrote my email back to him. But I won’t apologize for the emotions I have felt in the last few days. I have a right to each and every one of them, that I have felt in these days.

As I told him in my email reply: I wish you every blessing and wonderful thing,
you can dream or imagine, in this life…
and the next life…
and the one after that.
I send you *love* and *healing* and a *beautiful peace* *S*.
May they rain down on you, and fill you up, to over flowing.
Marcella

After all, it is what I wish for all people.