So there’s this boy band. LoL

Rebecca is in love with the boys of this band. She has got their posters alllllll over her room. She wanted to go and see them in concert. The tickets sold out in hours of going up. Tim came to the rescue back in January. He even bought a 3rd ticket for Rebecca to take a friend. After all what is a concert experience if you can’t take your very best BFF? Yet, he respected me as her mom, and knew that I felt she needed to earn and respect this gift that was coming her way. To be grateful for it. So he agreed that she and her friend, would have to earn the money to pay for the 3rd ticket. Well they did. It shocked me. And I think it shocked them too.

So I picked the girls up early from school and drove them to Tampa. I even wore the shirt that Rebecca made me, so that I wouldn’t look too geeky, in front of the other fans there. 🙂

While it was a beautiful night for music, and the seats were literally perfect for viewing the concert. Not the upper nosebleed section where you had to crane your neck down to see the ant-like people. Not on the bottom where you had to crane your neck up, to see their feet. We were able to view them straight ahead, and close enough to make them all out individually. Despite all of this, I enjoyed watching Rebecca’s reaction to everything, more than anything.

If I could give her a life experience where she got to live like ‘this’ every moment, of every day… I would.

I think I would like to do a bit of this right now….
Some dancing.
Some drinking.
Some flirting with a stranger.
Anything to forget his name… if even for a few moments.

The only problem… I’m a 2 drink limit. By half way through the second one, I’m done. 😦

My Sweet Brother:
I am holding you right now… and in the coming days, weeks, months.
You’ve been on my mind a lot this past week.
I got your text message about David.
Then I heard this song on the radio….
I know that you will take your time, and in your own way. But I thought you might like the sentiment right now.

“Doesn’t matter how you feel. It only matters how you look.”

Interesting words and they speak so much truth about how my mother has always wanted me to behave. I can remember crying once. Over what, I can’t recall. I do remember sitting on the floor of our dinning room. The plastic flooring beneath me. The table off of the corner of my eye. It was some sort of Family Event. People were over. Momma was trying to get me to stop crying. I wouldn’t stop crying. I was very upset.

Instead of holding me. Soothing me. She slapped me. Hard. Right across the face. Told me that if I was going to cry, then she would give me something worth really crying about. She was so mad at me for being sad.

I will never forget that feeling. That it was bad to be sad.

Thankfully, I’ve outgrown that thought process. I’ve learned that my tears have a purpose and that the ability to express my emotions is a gift.

I asked my daddy the other day how Momma was doing. He replied that she was just fine. I asked him more pointedly, “Has she cried at all?” He just shook his head, negatively.

I know that for me yesterday was the first day that I haven’t cried. I don’t mean just a few tears running down my cheek. I mean sobbing to the point of having to blow my nose crying.

I know that the day she called me on the phone, Elise held me. (*that’s amazing right there, considering what hugging is like for Elise*) I was told later by Tim that Momma had talked to him on the phone, and she said that she was grateful that Elise and he, were there for me, in that moment. Not because she was 3,000 miles away. But more importantly, because she couldn’t do for me what Elise was doing.

My mother has never in my whole life been able to handle my emotional being. She simply has never known, and still doesn’t know, how to deal with me. I am an emotional person. Plain and simple. She is completely the opposite of that. The why’s and such on how she became this way are varied, and we could sit and and analyze it all night to the same conclusion. My mother is not an emotional person. Never has been. Never will be.

Thus she has never been comfortable with who I am, as an emotional person. Never has been. Probably never will be.

That said: I was given a great teaching by my sister, Thunder. She said: “Don’t expect people to act the way that you want them to act. They never will. And when they don’t act that way, you will then begin to judge them for the way in which they are not acting. Instead just accept them for the way in which they act.”

Amazing words to this particular situation.

I want my Momma to show some emotion. To cry about her sister dying. To scream about the injustice around her. To do Anything that expresses Any kind of Emotional response.

She never will.

So I will cry enough for the both of us… I’m on a pretty good head-start, to that end.

I am so very blessed.

I am able to share and be a part of an amazing community. They support me. Love me. Fill me up. Laugh with me. Cry with me. And sit around the sacred fire, singing songs and being thankful.

I’m not talking about just the Women’s Weekends. Or the Sweat Lodges. Or even the Monthly Sister Circles. There were events like tonight. 🙂

In our circle, each of use comes to be a part of this circle, but we come from other circles. Each person is a circle to themselves as well. Circles, merging with other circles, creating a magical quilt of spaces and times. One of my sisters, Rising Moon, comes from a circle in Miami. She invited her sisters of that circle, to come and grace us with their Full Moon ceremony.

It was amazing.

I shared in giggles and laughter when it came my turn to be blessed. The act of it though, gave me such a release of pent up emotions, that tears formed. I let them flow. I never felt the need to hide them. Or to feel bad that they were falling. Even when my kids asked me: “Are you okay?” I told them the truth, “Just releasing things that I need to let go of.”

I loved the fire. I loved the idea of just sitting around it and sharing in stories of gratitude and blessings. I loved having my children with me to share in the loving embrace of community. I always feel like I’m coming home when I am there. I get filled up.

The three gals from Miami, had their own prayers. Their own rituals. Their own songs. It was so cool to hear the same songs that we sing, being sung slightly different. A small change in tempo. A small change in a lyric. Also, I really liked being able to share our own songs with the circles, of other circles. I felt really moved to sing, “Nisa”. But when the moment came, I suddenly got stage fright. I called out to my sisters to help me with it. It was so magical to sing with them, in the firelight, with my voice being cradled by their own.

Their was so much to learn from them. Their way of prayer and ours all coming from the same source. There has been so much talk of how the days of change, the moments of healing for the planet will come when the Eagle of the north and the Condor of the south join and circle as one. “We all come from the Rivers of Life. We all come from the same.”

We are the dream, of our Ancestors’ hearts — come true.

Or my destiny.

Some things, like experiences, or lessons we are learning, and some people, we have chosen to experience in this life. These are promises to our own soul, for its growth. Or to others, to reconcile for other lifetime in balances. Karma if you will.

“Wild Horses”
The Rolling Stones

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can’t let you slide through my hands

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn’t drag me away

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn’t drag me away

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I don’t have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let’s do some living after we die

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we’ll ride them some day

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we’ll ride them some day