So one of the reasons that I have not been here, doing the online journaling thing, is that I have been spending more time doing this.

20150614_190505

I know that there are about a 100+ people, out there, in the world, reading this journal. Some of them I know are family, and few friends, who like to keep up with what is happening in my life. This is one way of not having to have, a dozen different phone calls about the same event. Then there are a few people, who will remain nameless, who read this, to find out how I’m failing. Pfffft!! Then there are a bunch, of complete strangers who are reading this, and I’m still not sure why. If I have said it before, I’ve said it a dozen times, I’m not here to entertain you, or anyone else. I write for me. Just me. Only me.

That said, every now and then, I find that taking a pen to paper, suits me. Sure, there are no cool photos to help tell the story. No horoscope entries to give me a jumping off point. No humorous meme to help us all laugh at ourselves. Yet, it does give me a chance to be completely honest, in a way that online journaling doesn’t. Knowing that I’ve got this ‘audience’ sometimes I write like I’m telling a good story. And a lot of my entries are just that – stories of my life experiences. Like any good storyteller, I leave out parts, that I don’t think help the story. Sometimes I don’t share in the parts of my story that are sad, and disappointing.

I’ve had a conversation with my friend, Mahee, about this subject. He’s looking into online journaling as well, thus finding out what all is available. I have thought about making this journal completely private, and not allowing anyone to read it until after my death. Or 50 years, After my death; just to be on the safe side. Unfortunately that would then negate one of the purposes of my journal, and letting my family and friends know what is going on in my life.

You probably noticed that not every entry here is readable, by everyone. They are password-protected entries. Things that I want to share with some people, but not the whole world. Usually its about something that I’ve already written about, but want to add more depth too, and expand upon, in ways that I am not sure how to deal with. Events / places / people/ situations/ thought-patterns, that I need some more time, and space, to express.

It should be pointed out that there are some entries that nobody gets to read. (*until after my death – password is in my Will*) Entries that take the event/ place/ person/ situation/ thought-pattern even deeper than I want anyone to know about.

At one point I thought about typing up my hand-written entries here… No. Freaking. Way…. I don’t have that kind of time. LoL

That is a type of tequila actually…  LoL

But it is also a Nine (9) number.  Nine is a number of completion.  It is usually reserved for when we have accomplished something.  When we have obtained success in a matter.  Generally business related.  But I like to think that it is also in our spiritual paths as well.  Most of my “Ah Ha!!” moments happen on Nine days.

My life path is changing so rapidly I am having Nine days – almost every nine days! I sometimes can’t believe that its March already, and yet, when I think back to just last week, I was hanging out with Kreed just a week ago – and it feels like a Month has passed since I was being hugged by her. Again, that whole Time-Relativity thing is happening, still. Of course when I was with her, I had another Nine day…. Figures.

Some really auspicious occurrences in my life have a happened on Nine Days. Daphne’s birth. The day that I graduated from Willy. The day that I met Tigger and Christopher. The day I quit college and moved west. The day that I chose to be born.

I can’t wait to find out what happens on the next big Nine Day.

21022_10153237319238578_1199926020609030427_n

The same thing happens with posting.  LoL

I write out some of the best, most eloquently written posts, in my head…. then realize that I never actually wrote them out.

Opps.

So I’m trying out this new “app” thing.  My new phone comes with all sorts of neat things, called Apps. Or small little programs. My kids introduced me to them.  1 is for my journal. I’m trying it.  I’m not so sure that it can keep up with me, likes regular typing can. But maybe for little things, while they’re still on the top of my list of brain thoughts, might help. Then later on I can flush them out into proper entries. 
I really do need to sit down and do some honest Journaling. My brain needs an emptying.
Big. Time.

I don’t know what its like to not have a thought.

I hear people respond to me with: “Nothing.” When I ask them, “What are you thinking?”

Nothing?

How can that be? You have to be thinking SomeThing. Even just the thought “I’m not thinking anything right now.”

Nope.

Turns out that for some people, the majority even, there are times when their brains are really Not thinking anything at all. They aren’t worried about something. Remembering something. Figuring out something. Making a list of things that they are trying to remember, to not worry about. Their brains are completely silent.

I literally have NO Idea what that is like.

At all.

I have been thinking thoughts for my whole life. Or remembering thoughts, that I’ve already had. Or making a mental list of thoughts that I have had. Or ones that I have to think up yet. LoL

My brain has never shut down. Ever.

Turns out that there is a chemical in our brains that helps us to think. Dopamine. It turns your brain on, and keeps it running. Like gas in a car. Or food in a body. Or carbon dioxide in the plant life around us. Without it… there is no activity.

For those people who’s levels of Dopamine never shut down… they have a different way of dealing with every day life. Some people become frustrated and lash out in their frustrations, over not being able to finish a thought, or a task. Some people have so many thoughts in their brains, that they are afraid that one of them might be important; and so they speak all of them out loud. Some people just shut down, and let their brains wander all over the place, without speaking to anyone around them. Some people have an inability to sit still with all of these thoughts running around in their heads. Some people are able to multi-task, because they are able to think more than one thing at a time. Some people can’t cope with so many thoughts at once, and try to organize the rest of their world with preciseness.

I do some of the above things. I won’t mentions which ones apply to me directly. But there’s more than one of them.

My brain can not shut down on its own. It just can’t. I can however, function in a modern day world because I have over my life been taught to do so. I have been taught to sit down, and get my homework done; because my mother would beat my butt, when I didn’t. This was a form of what is now known as “Behaviour Modification”. Or as my father would do: Take his belt strap to the backs of my thighs, when I failed to clean up the playroom, in a timely manner (of several hours). Most times this was because I would get distracted by something. And one thing would lead to another thing. Which would lead to another thing.

Its not that I want to be distracted, or that I don’t want to finish a task. Its just that my brain gets all worked up and some times its hard to get it to slow down. To find that quiet place where I can just think about 1 thing and not have it then lead to 12 more things. Which is actually better than when my brain gets all worked up over just 1 problem, and the 12 different ways that each choice / decision in the problem, can then lead down 12 more different ways. And so forth, and so on.

Example of how my brain operates on a daily basis:
I’m hungry.
I want something hot to eat.
There’s leftover Chinese in the fridge I could heat up.
I remember when went to China for 2 weeks, and we ate Chinese every freaking day, and I swore I would never eat Chinese again, so long as I lived.
Did I ever tell you the story about when I went to China?
Scott was only a baby, so he really doesn’t remember going to China.
Or even the Egypt trip.
Or the Hawaii one.
Or the England one.
He really got screwed out on those times and places, because he was so young.
But he got all the luxury too, because he was spoiled by the natives.
He once ran wandered through the security in the Tokyo airport. Daddy had an awful time trying to get the people to let him go through, and then back again, because we didn’t have visas for Toyko. We were only stopping through.
Though I have to say that some of the visa stamps are really beautiful pieces of art. Not like now a days.
I wish that I had kept my passports, from back then.
I wonder if my Dad still has our old ones?
Or course if he did they would be in the old lockbox that he keeps.
Or at least used too.
I don’t know if he keeps it any more since their house was broken into back a few years ago.
I should call him and ask if he has them.
He is probably at Zellie’s about now though.
Which reminds me… I am hungry.

The above took all of 4 minutes to type out. It is actually edited down from ALL of the thoughts that I just had, because I don’t type as fast as I think. And I have learned to stop, when my brain gets off track this way. Or as Ozzy would say: on the Crazy Train.

Yes, my brain can be like riding on the wheels of the Crazy Train. With little to no stopping.

If we don’t have a copy of the photograph, to look at, did the moment really occur?

What about the journal entry, describing the emotions of a moments? Does this negate the feeling of those emotions?

If we don’t have a record of a series of events, in words or photos, does this mean that what we went through, has less meaning?

I just received a phone call from a sweet boy, Michael, letting me know that despite his best efforts, he could not recover any of the data from my damaged hard drive. Thousands of photos, essays, documents, and videos of my life; are simply gone. Never to be replaced, or duplicated.

They exist now, only as fragments of thought, trapped in the recesses of my memory.

To stay right here in my shell, for the time being.

You need to chill out a bit and make sure that you’re not speaking out of turn — it’s way too easy for you to offend the wrong people today! Things may seem a little wacky, but you can manage.

Yep.
As if I needed a good reason to sit right here and just keep to myself these days. I really am quite happy here, safe, and alone, in my little shell. Just minding my business, and allowing myself to just be still and quiet.

I am grateful that the people in my life, who know me best, and love me, understand this about me. I appreciate that they reach out to me in their own ways. I get the texts, the emails, the phone messages, and FaceBook keeps on me about some PM’s I haven’t read yet. I am so grateful that they don’t harp though. That they leave their message of loving concern, at my doorstep, and understand that it may take me a while to respond to them.