♋♋♋Daily Cancer Horoscope for 05 August 2015♋♋♋

If you are working closely with someone else or are moving closer, emotionally, to a friend, be mindful that the two of you will not always be on the exact same wavelength. It’s perfectly normal to be off track now and then. An event this afternoon, for example, might send each of you off into different directions, but don’t worry — you will both eventually come back to seeing things the same way. You are likely to be more emotional, while they will be more aloof. This is a good time to retire by yourself to your own private place. You seek and need comfort from the demands of the outside world, and having a pleasant relaxing time at home is probably the best way to accomplish this. Also this is a good time to go inside yourself and look at your attitudes, feelings and emotional orientation toward the world around you. You could do this by trying to bring out into the open those elements of yourself that usually remain hidden within you. But you could possibly become so overwhelmed by these elements that nothing of value will be accomplished. This is not so likely to happen, however, if you make the effort to look inside yourself consciously. People in authoritative positions may delay your work in order to take out personal grudges of the past. And this may be a cause of great concern for you, as it will not only impact the present events but also your future ventures too. At this time, just enjoy the domestic bliss you have and this will evoke greater enthusiasm in you. You may experience certain vague symptoms of a typical illness which has never affected you earlier. By the end of the day you will be able to figure out what it is! Focus on yourself and your personal needs too. In fact this is a wonderful time to groom your own self. Make yourself as much attractive as you can!

Perception.
For some parts of this horoscope yesterday I thought: “Yep, I did that.”
If you based my day based upon the one (1) text message I sent out to a few of my closest friends, then I had a pretty awful afternoon, and evening. No dinner. Loads of stuff to clean up. Errands list a mile long. No help from anyone, but my own two (2) hands and my own funds to get any of it done. I ended up creating domestic bliss in my home, and loving it while I was crossing things off the list that I had written out, in my moments of frustration, of being so alone and not having anyone’s support for me.

For other parts, I thought, “Well, that was totally off base.”
I don’t remember feeling any sort of symptoms of anything. I didn’t have much of an appetite but that is not too unusual, right? Nor do I have a boss who is hampering with my success. I am my own boss. Hmmmmmmmm

Yet, if I were to really look, I can see how 99% of this is correct.
I did get text communications from the people that I’ve known for a long time, who know me the best, and have always had my back. Who love me. Love my brothers to the moon and back! I did have some symptoms of illness – or as I’d like to see it ‘change’. In the end, I noticed that I am was missing the feeling of envy about being alone, at the end of the day. As for my boss, I can see how a new client’s failure to follow-up with what I asked, which has always bothered me in the past about previous employers, may hamper my future success.

I totally failed the last two (2) lines, I looked like crap yesterday. I was not well-groomed. My hair was half-thrown up in a ponytail. The kind that are only half-pulled through at the end, and thus like this bobbing bunch of hair, on the back of my head. Which would have been fine, except that I should have pulled it all the way through one more time, before I did the half-way – so by the time I got to the grocery store, it was falling down my neck, heading towards my butt, at a ferocious rate, and looked like a dead animal, hanging from my head. Which would have been fine, but I ran into people that know. Some of them I’d like to impress. This was not my best-groomed self to present, to the world. They made no comment at all, just greeting me as if I were still wonderful.

I guess its all about perception.

My eldest has officially grown up, and moved out into the great big world, on her own. ((**Don’t get me started*)) She is transforming and changing into this amazing person that I am so lucky to have gotten to spend 18 years with. Its been hard coming into her room. Okay, took me 11 days to even open the door… but who’s counting.

Little by little, I have been spending more and more time in Rebecca’s room. Its been her room since she was one (1) year, and three (3) weeks old. Again, who’s counting. If it wasn’t her room, it was her and Daphne’s room. Or her, Daphne, and Bronwyn’s room. Then it was for a little bit just Bronwyn and Russell’s room, until she moved back in and we gave Russell his own room.

She’s not going to be a little girl, living in this room any more. So, I’m transforming her room into it’s next phase, too.

Let the transformation begin.

Let the transformation begin.

Oh yes... this is going to take 2 coats of primer.

Oh yes… this is going to take 2 coats of primer.

I can still see blue paint.... pffft!

I can still see blue paint…. pffft!

Its been nearly 4 years since the house flooded. The Great Flood of 2011 resulted in all of our walls to be repainted. Which is great for some people. It took me 13 years to paint all of the walls in my home, at least once. There was a difference of opinion when it came to color schemes. The repair people told me that I only got to pick one (1) color for my home… not just one (1) color in each room. One (1) color for the whole. freaking. house. I got an off-white, that had a bit of pink tinge to it.

Since there was this fresh coat of paint on the walls, we never got around to painting anything, but the girls’ rooms. And well, the girls painted the girls’ rooms. Picking out the color and everything.

I figured that it was time to paint my walls something other than ‘off white’. I figured this was a good start. Hell, if I don’t like it – I can just paint over it, something else. There’s nobody around that I have to get to agree. 🙂

Finally making changes.

Finally making changes.

Best painting helper around.

Best painting helper around.

Love how this turned out!

Love how this turned out!

Even managed to make dinner.... yep, Mac-n-Cheese.

Even managed to make dinner…. yep, Mac-n-Cheese.

So for the last few weeks the Ex and I have been having productive, even kind, conversations with one another. Speaking on the phone mainly, and once even in public. At one point he asked about my friend, whose health isn’t the best right now. I asked about Rhonda, and her health. I even went so far as to offer to skip one of Russell’s games so that Rhonda could come and see him play baseball. Knowing that Rhonda wouldn’t come and see him play, if I was there. I really thought that perhaps we had turned a corner and that this relationship with Barry could be a good one.

I should have been more cautious. I should have been more aware of what I was leading myself into.

This morning Barry informs me that as soon as he can, he’s going to take me back to court and sue for the custody of the kids. He’s going to take them away from me, because I’m not letting Daphne come and live with him.

This lead to an arguement.

He agreed with me, when I said, “This is why I shouldn’t be nice to you. This is what it gets me.”
He said, “I was being nice to you too. But you say one thing to me, then write crappy stuff about me on that Blog of yours.”

I do, but not always. I have on occasion written nice things about him, and how I am happy to see us working together. He said that I never write anything nice. I asked him if he had read it. HE said, “No. But I hear about it.”
Me: “Then you shouldn’t listen to rumor. You should go and get the facts for yourself, instead of relying on someone else’s lies.”
He didn’t have anything to say for that.

Ulitmately this was about Daphne.

I can see it for what it is now. I can see his worry about her. I have the same worries. He can’t control her cutting, or solve her depression, by moving her out of the enviroment that gives her stability and forces her to heal. Does he really think that allowing her to just “Up and Move to Dad’s” is going to solve this?

I can see her not liking how I hold her accountable for her actions. Her words. I can see her wanting to have something “easier”, and that she thinks she will get that from Barry. He claims that he can hold her accountable. That he can monitor. Be on top of her. Make her have study hall. Make her tell him, wherever she is. Make her give up her phone, and allow him to read what is on there. Yet, he hasn’t done any of these things in the last 2 years. Not on a consistant basis. Not every day.

Because it is hard. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of effort. He did not show that effort when he lived at home. He has not shown that effort since the divorce. Buying the kids whatever they want, is not being a parent. Feeding them junk food, because they don’t want to eat what you cooked, is not being a parent. Being a parent means making some choices for your kids, that they are not going to like; but are what they need to do. Even if its hard.

I spoke about some of the things like this. He just sat there. He just sat there and stared at me like I grew 3 heads or something. Then he started in on how he was going to take me to court if I didn’t let Daphne move in with him.

I know in my heart that if I let Daphne move in with Barry – she won’t be around this time next year.

This is the phrase coming out of Bronwyn’s mouth last night.

Yes, that’s correct.

Now keep in mind, that she had a mouthful of roasted eggplant and golden beet roots, at the time. So it sounded more like: “Frerfs my brufsles ts?”

In my slowly-evolving from carnivorous to vegan, table, even the children are coming around to the wonderful world of food. It started about 3 years ago now. I just stopped consuming 4-legged creatures, along with liquid milk. I had noticed years before that there was a direct correlation between, how much dairy I consume and how much pain my hands are in, during the winter months. So even in the winter months, I will eat less cheese, and cut out ice cream and milk. I started to have more ‘digestive issues’, which I attributed to old age, in some fashion. It wasn’t old age though. I found that my ‘digestive issues’ went away when I stopped eating beef and pork. Don’t get me wrong, the smell of bacon is still alluring. I am my father’s daughter, after all. Yet, the idea of spending the rest of the day, and possibly most of the night, for having enjoyed the taste of, even 2 oz., of the stuff; makes me put it down each time.

Then of course I started reading. Trying to find out if there was some science behind what was happening to my body. There is, but I’m not going to sit here and preach. Its out there. Go look it up for yourself.

The more I learn, the more I realize that eating a plant-based diet is better for my body. And the bodies of my children. Not that the children, nor their father, is very thrilled with this. Nor do they want to follow it. He even tried to used it against me back in the spring. He called up DCF to have the children taken away from me, it turns out the claim was I wasn’t feeding them. The truth was I wasn’t feeding them meat. It turns out that, refusing to buy dead animals, and serving them up as food, is not against the law.

I do compromise. I do buy chicken from time to time, and even try to consume it. But more times than not, these days, find even the chickens not agreeing with my body. So I skip it out, and stick to fish. Letting the children eat it, and I just stick to the other things cooked up, or some leftovers from another meal.

The kids have become more accustomed to what will be served for food at our table. They always find something that they like. Even if its just some of the fresh tomatoes, or carrot sticks. They enjoy roasted veggies, like potatoes, and beets. Along with Brussels Sprouts. I knew that Rebecca liked them. She was with me, when we were at the market that day. She pointed them out, and asked for them. So I bought them for the 2 of us. It wasn’t until I was putting them on our plates, that Bronwyn and Russell piped up.

I am happy that my kids are enjoying the food more. Learning to eat things that are good for their growing bodies. Helping them to perform better on the sports fields. Not complaining at the table. Although at no point in any parent’s life do they expect to cook up some brussell sprouts, and only get to have 2, out of the pan.

Must remember to buy twice as many next time.

To stay right here in my shell, for the time being.

You need to chill out a bit and make sure that you’re not speaking out of turn — it’s way too easy for you to offend the wrong people today! Things may seem a little wacky, but you can manage.

Yep.
As if I needed a good reason to sit right here and just keep to myself these days. I really am quite happy here, safe, and alone, in my little shell. Just minding my business, and allowing myself to just be still and quiet.

I am grateful that the people in my life, who know me best, and love me, understand this about me. I appreciate that they reach out to me in their own ways. I get the texts, the emails, the phone messages, and FaceBook keeps on me about some PM’s I haven’t read yet. I am so grateful that they don’t harp though. That they leave their message of loving concern, at my doorstep, and understand that it may take me a while to respond to them.

There are posts to be ‘posted’ – many of them written down in my paper journal, and working their way here. There are some I’ve written but not posted in public that really should be opened up. There are some that I don’t have words to express, so they stay hidden away in their fragmented state.

I guess you could say that I’ve been hiding. Well at least these last couple of weeks. Some of life’s experiences have been rather harsher than I would like to admit to anyone… least of all to myself. Hiding seems to help that problem. Its amazing the things you can ignore, here in the shadows of a shell. The things you don’t want to look at. In the world around you. In the people you know. In yourself.

The previous couple of months have found me spending more time ‘living new experiences’ rather than ‘writing new experiences’. Which has been good for me. Which I am oh so grateful for. I am so blessed by all of the people, places, and experiences I’ve gotten to meet, see, and do. I know from having tried it this way for the last couple of months, it doesn’t work too well for me either. I need time to ‘think’ and to ‘write’ and to ‘let go’. It gets too jumbled up in my brain otherwise.

Beyond my normal feelings of wanting to just be quiet, in the normal ways… I have been feeling this pull to sit in the west. To sit in introspection. To be still and quiet. I started feeling it around my birthday. I thought it was just my moontime coming. But stronger than just a normal moontime. It is more than that.

I looked upon the calendar, and the stars, for some clues. To the astrology of the planetary alignments, for some hints. To the people around me, and their knowledge, for some understanding. Not too many answers in any of those places that could explain to me, why I was feeling such a strong pull.

So I looked to me, to where I am… and there it was. Becomes Her Vision. 13th Clan Mother of the cycle that I follow.

I’m 12 now… and on my birthday I completed 12 years of sitting in The Circle. I step up now, and walk into my 13th cycle. I have noticed each year as I follow this path, that I find myself spending a great deal of time with one clan mother, or another. I can remember my 1st year, and the newness of everything in my life. In the circle. How I was just learning my rhythms and how to listen to my own inner voice, let alone the world around me. Then in my 7th year, and the lessons of forgiveness. Both in the people I loved, and in myself. My 9th year. My 11th year. Each one, so colored by the stories and lessons of the next mother in the cycle.

This past year I have felt more gratitude and been shown more ways to count my blessings, than ever in my life. In those moments of doubt, and hurt, I find myself turning towards the lessons of thankfulness, for each one. Knowing that in their teachings, I am shaped into the woman that I am meant to be. I know that there is nothing to regret in my life’s journey, because each ‘so-called’ negative thing, is really a beautiful lesson to be grateful for.

So I sit now, with Becomes her Vision… I look inward and try to see the “Who” and “What” of who I have become so far. I open myself up to the Dream time, and all of the possibilities of “Who” and “What” I can yet be. Which takes time away from the world. It takes time of shutting off the phone and not answering each email as it comes across the wires. It means laying on the sweet grass, in the moonlight, staring at the stars, from which we came.

I’m trying to find a balance between this need and the world.