I’m frustrated.
Irritated.
Trying to get everything done for every one.
Forgetting things.
Running out of time.
So many pulls, so many different directions.

I’m looking over what Chonteau and I talked about.
It’s all about ME!

So how is this all about me?

I want to live simpler. More authentic.
The Universe is trying to help me. I know it. Pushing to give me what I want. What will make me truly happy. But I have all of these obligations. Demands on my time.

I told a friend today, “No.” It really bothered me to say that to her. She wasn’t asking much, but I still said “No, I can’t do that.” I offered her other alternatives. A different day. I know that it wasn’t easy for her to ask me either. Yet, I wanted to respect my self, and my boundaries, and what I needed for me. I told her, “No.”.

Why Did that bother me?

Because I don’t want her to not like me. I don’t want her to think that I am not here for her. That I am not a good friend.

I want to be a good friend. Being a good friend means being there for them. Helping them. Doing what you can for them.

If the roles were reversed. I would not think bad of her. I would understand. I would respect her for taking care of herself. I would be okay.

So why do I think so little of myself for doing the same thing?

YET!!!
In this same day, I made the decision to Not do something for somebody. Not necessarily a friend. The person who wants me to do something for them, for free. The person who has had me do this for them for several years. Without any compensation, or giving back. Except, for the one year, when he made a lot of money, and gave a $100.00. Which I really appreciated at the time. And I didn’t mind all the other years, doing this for him, when he didn’t have anything to give me in returned.

So why do I mind, doing this for him now, for free?

I feel as though he’s using me. He has had seven months to do this. There were times when I was ready to do this for him, had the time, made the appointment, and he didn’t follow through. And it is like this every year. I don’t feel a sense of appreciation, from him.

I know that this is my talent to give. That it is a way in which I contribute to my community. I love to do this for other people, but I dread doing it for him.

If I want to live in more authentic life… Then I have to do those things that make me feel good.

So tonight, I decided that I really don’t want to do this for him. I don’t want to go through this hassle any longer. I want to just cross him off of my to-do list.

The moment I decided to just give back to this person, all of his documents and stuff, rather than expend the time and energy to do this service for him… I felt a lighting of my body.

Now, I just have to give him back as documents, in such a way, that there is no drama. I do not owe him any explanation. I simply have to tell him, “You will have to have somebody else do your taxes.”

Because to create a drama out of this, would not be very authentic. Even though, I am always felt I needed to give an explanation for everything I’ve done. To justify my choices. To make my choices, acceptable to somebody else.

They only have to be acceptable to ME.

Is giving him back as paperwork and not doing his taxes, with no explanation, acceptable to me? Is telling my friend no, and offering her an alternative, acceptable to me?

I don’t know.

To stay right here in my shell, for the time being.

You need to chill out a bit and make sure that you’re not speaking out of turn — it’s way too easy for you to offend the wrong people today! Things may seem a little wacky, but you can manage.

Yep.
As if I needed a good reason to sit right here and just keep to myself these days. I really am quite happy here, safe, and alone, in my little shell. Just minding my business, and allowing myself to just be still and quiet.

I am grateful that the people in my life, who know me best, and love me, understand this about me. I appreciate that they reach out to me in their own ways. I get the texts, the emails, the phone messages, and FaceBook keeps on me about some PM’s I haven’t read yet. I am so grateful that they don’t harp though. That they leave their message of loving concern, at my doorstep, and understand that it may take me a while to respond to them.

What was in my email box this morning: 🙂

The greatest perk, among countless others, that comes from loving someone right now, just exactly as they are, instead of waiting for them to change, is that you get to love someone right now.

Love on,
The Universe
PS: And we all know how good you look in love.

See my previous thoughts about Love here: Love More and here: I Believe in Love

Love has no ends. It has no beginnings. It simply “IS”.

So, Yes. I love **. I love who he is right now. I also love my Sweetie. I can’t help it. Love it seems “looks good on me”. 🙂

I wouldn’t change what has happened. I know that there are lessons in love to learn. I believe that something great will occur from all of this love. I just know it.

Your kindness and sweet spirit are beyond any I have ever known, and I am grateful that you came into my life. It is my deep admiration and love for the person you are, that makes it very difficult for me to say….. (fill in the blank)

Where do guys come up with this crap? Really? I should be so grateful that he thought I was “kind”? That I have a “sweet spirit”? That hearing this will some how make hearing the next part easier? Easier on whom?

It doesn’t make it any easier. I’m telling you this, from more experiences, than I care to admit too. Fill in the blank” is usually something along the lines of “I’m unable to be your friend any more because of my new girlfriend.” Or, “I think you’re a great gal, and I love that you offer me all the juicy details on how to score with girls.” Or even better, “I’m taking you up on your advice and being kind to my Ex… so now we are dating.”

If you are grateful I came into your life, then why am I no longer in your life? If you admire me so much, why are you dumping me on the roadside? If you love me, then why are you walking away? In an “email” no less. Which interestingly enough, you point out “I know an email is not the best way to tell you this,” No shit, dipshit.

If I am such a great-catch, and such a good person, then why am I alone like this? I tell people not to put me up on a pedestal. I tell them that I’m not that perfect. That I have faults. I’m the first person to admit that I am stubborn, judgmental, and swear like a sailor. I point them out to those who want to come into my life and be a part of it. Did this person suddenly find out about my ugly-side?

Is that why? Or is it like others, they just decided that they wanted something else. I hear it, more and more these days. Heck, in the last 9 months I’ve managed to “Be a Great Friend” myself out of a good riding partner, a good sex partner, and now what I thought was a man, I could love.

Should I stop being this “kind soul” that they mention? Stop listening to them, and supporting them in their daily lives? Stop having such a “sweet spirit”? I don’t even know what that is, or how to have it, or NOT to have it. I don’t know how to stop wanting the best for people. To stop trying to fill them up with love and healing. To stop encouraging them to finding their happiness.

Should I stop being “Me”?

Why do people think it’s so much better to hear the words “I don’t want you in my life any more”, if they preface it with some flowery pose of nice attributes?

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It was a “tater tot” sort of day.

That day when all you want to do is lay around, and fill yourself up with tater tots. Those little balls of ‘not-good-for-you-at-all’, ‘nothing-but-chemical-crap’, that when baked to a golden brown, make you feel better.

They aren’t the best thing to eat. They are better than filling up on something worse, like vodka. Which I don’t drink, ewe. So I’d have to replace my glass with tequila. Patron with a slice of orange, please. But knowing what sort of day it is, I can say that I knew better than to fill myself up with that.

The bag of tots though, sat there, already opened, and getting freezer burn, so it really was a win-win situation, in my eating them. Not a whole bag, mind you. Bronwyn and Russell helped me eat them. And it was just a 3/4th’s full bag. Okay, it was the largest bag possible. I only buy them big, you never know when you’ll need more tots. Its always a good thing to have on hand.

The bag is gone now… I wish that I could say the same for the reason I ate them all.

Another 4th of July – another cold day in Sacramento. LoL

It’s so funny, that people here think that it’s hot. And it is over 100*. But it feels chilly to me. The temps are only in the 80’s and 90’s at home, but it’s hotter there.

Elise and I did a great job today with our teamwork. We managed to get Tim dialyzed and still cooked up Macaroni salad and Potatoe salad. As well, as breakfast and some communications with people in the world, via email accounts. We rock!

Boogie and her entourage showed up around 7pm, just in time for our Shrimp and Chicken kabobs. Elise and I had fun with a countertop of veggies and skewers. Tim did his best to not laugh at us too much.

Colin, the master of fireworks gave us a spectacular show. I was part of the pre-show entertainment, by throwing on long pants, under my dress; and Tim’s large jacket. Hello… it was dropping down below 70*!

The piece de resistance – The Birthday Cake that Elise got for the occasion.

Love my friends' sense of humor.  And it was lemon... which is sooo yummy with the fresh raspberries.

Love my friends’ sense of humor. And it was lemon… which is sooo yummy with the fresh raspberries.

I love these new traditions that we are creating. My Western Family. *sigh*

I got the world’s funniest email today. From a very unlikely source too. It was so surprising that I immediately forwarded it to both of my brothers, and then texted them; letting them know that it was there and I needed their advice.

Love those boys. They were right on it. Each of them responding within a few minutes with their initial reactions. 😛 There were of opposite viewpoints, of course, and not making my decision easier. Just one more reason I love them so much. They help me to dissect things from both sides of any issue.

I am so blessed to have them, and my Sweetie, to help me hash out what to do, about just any sort of situation. Or at least be there to let me talk it all out.

So very blessed that these men have my back.