grateful vs resentful

I struggle with this one a LOT. More than I would ever like to admit to anyone. I find it hard to be grateful for what people choose to give me, and seem to become resentful towards them, for when they choose to withhold from me.

I can remember resenting my Momma, when she flat-out turned me down, at my offer to have her babysit Rebecca. Rebecca was an infant, and I was a tired brand-new mother. Momma was still working full-time as a teacher. After teaching 135 children all day, coming home to a screaming kid, was not her idea of a good time. I can’t say that I blame her. Yet, I do remember resenting the fact that I had no help in those days.

As the babies kept coming, Daphne just a year later. Then Bronwyn 3 after that. Each time asking my folks if they wanted to attend the baby’s birth, or to be there to help out, I was told, “No thank you.” By the time Russell came along, I didn’t even make the offer. Resentment settled in as I watched them traveling 672 miles to my sister’s side each time she gave birth, yet couldn’t travel the 23 miles to my home.

I used to joke that I could count on 1 hand how many occasions my parents had babysat for my children. 1 hand. That’s less than 5. Over the course of my having 4 children spaced 8 and 1/2 years apart. Yes, there was a lot of resentment built up there.

In recent years though, my parent’s attitude towards grandparenting changed, as well as their commitments towards being teachers of children. They have taken care of my children on so many occasions I can no longer keep the count. I know that it must look strange to outsiders, and feel even stranger to my parents when I gush and gush and gush my gratitude towards them, each time that they help me out. Phone calls, texts messages, even taking one or both of them out for a meal, to show my thankfulness. I know that had I not spent those years being turned down, I would not appreciate it half as much, as I do.

Along with that lesson I think that is why it is so very hard for me to actually ask for things. I’ve become so accustomed to being told, “No.” that I don’t feel, that I deserve very much in life. Instead I find myself just trying to do everything on my own, and having to work twice as hard, because of these chains.

Maybe the lesson isn’t so much as to be grateful for what I get, but to also keep in the forefront of my mind — don’t ask, don’t assume, just accept what you get and be thankful for that.

♋♋♋Daily Cancer Horoscope for 05 August 2015♋♋♋

If you are working closely with someone else or are moving closer, emotionally, to a friend, be mindful that the two of you will not always be on the exact same wavelength. It’s perfectly normal to be off track now and then. An event this afternoon, for example, might send each of you off into different directions, but don’t worry — you will both eventually come back to seeing things the same way. You are likely to be more emotional, while they will be more aloof. This is a good time to retire by yourself to your own private place. You seek and need comfort from the demands of the outside world, and having a pleasant relaxing time at home is probably the best way to accomplish this. Also this is a good time to go inside yourself and look at your attitudes, feelings and emotional orientation toward the world around you. You could do this by trying to bring out into the open those elements of yourself that usually remain hidden within you. But you could possibly become so overwhelmed by these elements that nothing of value will be accomplished. This is not so likely to happen, however, if you make the effort to look inside yourself consciously. People in authoritative positions may delay your work in order to take out personal grudges of the past. And this may be a cause of great concern for you, as it will not only impact the present events but also your future ventures too. At this time, just enjoy the domestic bliss you have and this will evoke greater enthusiasm in you. You may experience certain vague symptoms of a typical illness which has never affected you earlier. By the end of the day you will be able to figure out what it is! Focus on yourself and your personal needs too. In fact this is a wonderful time to groom your own self. Make yourself as much attractive as you can!

Perception.
For some parts of this horoscope yesterday I thought: “Yep, I did that.”
If you based my day based upon the one (1) text message I sent out to a few of my closest friends, then I had a pretty awful afternoon, and evening. No dinner. Loads of stuff to clean up. Errands list a mile long. No help from anyone, but my own two (2) hands and my own funds to get any of it done. I ended up creating domestic bliss in my home, and loving it while I was crossing things off the list that I had written out, in my moments of frustration, of being so alone and not having anyone’s support for me.

For other parts, I thought, “Well, that was totally off base.”
I don’t remember feeling any sort of symptoms of anything. I didn’t have much of an appetite but that is not too unusual, right? Nor do I have a boss who is hampering with my success. I am my own boss. Hmmmmmmmm

Yet, if I were to really look, I can see how 99% of this is correct.
I did get text communications from the people that I’ve known for a long time, who know me the best, and have always had my back. Who love me. Love my brothers to the moon and back! I did have some symptoms of illness – or as I’d like to see it ‘change’. In the end, I noticed that I am was missing the feeling of envy about being alone, at the end of the day. As for my boss, I can see how a new client’s failure to follow-up with what I asked, which has always bothered me in the past about previous employers, may hamper my future success.

I totally failed the last two (2) lines, I looked like crap yesterday. I was not well-groomed. My hair was half-thrown up in a ponytail. The kind that are only half-pulled through at the end, and thus like this bobbing bunch of hair, on the back of my head. Which would have been fine, except that I should have pulled it all the way through one more time, before I did the half-way – so by the time I got to the grocery store, it was falling down my neck, heading towards my butt, at a ferocious rate, and looked like a dead animal, hanging from my head. Which would have been fine, but I ran into people that know. Some of them I’d like to impress. This was not my best-groomed self to present, to the world. They made no comment at all, just greeting me as if I were still wonderful.

I guess its all about perception.

A friend, Darrin, contacted me over the weekend, let me know that he was in need of a Mental Health Day, and did I want to tag along. Hell, Yes!!!

I am all for taking a day off for your mental health. I think that more and more employers should recognize this need and then people wouldn’t need to lie so many times about being ill. Mental health is as important, as physical health. There is even a whole post I could write on the ways in which mental health is closely tied into physical health. “Mind-Body Connection” The internet is full of articles on this; so I won’t add another one. Let’s just say that I not only believe in the phenomenon. I have experienced it. Hell, any woman who has birthed a child into the world, has experienced it.

Darrin arrived on time… (*I love that about a person, j/s*) his transmission down-shifting, as he glided into my driveway at 7:45am, waking up any neighbors who thought that they might sleep in on a summer’s morning. A bit of leg stretch for him, and a bit of double-checking of my home and needs for me… and after stopping to grab a bit of breakfast, to fuel our tanks.

We were packing up, and heading north, for the day’s therapy.

There is something that clears my head about a road trip. The kind that happen in a car. A train. A bike. Doesn’t seem to matter. So long as the pavement is moving beneath me, and the world is passing by; I am clearing out the junk that accumulates in my brain. My thoughts can go from one to another, without stopping. The back n forth. Back n forth. Back n forth, about any, and every subject, that is rattling around in my head. Almost the way that journaling does.

I appreciate that this friend can relate to this need for an open road and a full tank of gas.

Which is sorta funny that we ran out of gas on our journey. Yep. The classic, ran-out-of-gas, story. LoL

Hey, I think its funny. I even thought it was funny at the time. Darrin, not-so-much. He claims that in all of his life, he has never so foolishly run out of gas. Which makes me feel a bit bad for the fellow, though not for the situation we found ourselves in.

We off of the road. Coasted, since the engine stopped, and therefore we had no brakes. I figured that we were about 2.5 miles from Momma and Daddy’s house. So I called them. After I got Daddy to stop being upset at me for not being home, when he randomly stopped by to see me; I got him to confirm that Yes, there was a gas can, that I could use at his home. AND, it had fresh gas in it. 🙂 Score!

We pushed the bike further off of the road. Packed up the gear we didn’t want to haul on our trek. We got about 1/4 mile down the road, several cars and trucks passing us by, when a pair of bikers showed up. They slowed down. Stopped us. Questioned Darrin about the situation:
Was that your Such-n-such back there?
Run outta gas, huh?
Going down for some gas?
Got a tank?

I let them know that my Daddy had a tank, with gas in it, about 2 miles down the road. They offered us a lift down to Daddy’s home. I’m the only one who got on. Darrin decided to go back and stay with the bike. LoL Some men refuse to ride, on the back. Double-LoL

Al, an old-gnarly-seasoned biker, rode me down. I picked his bike, over his friend, John, because he had 2 foot pegs. John had lost one somewhere, and confessed that had he known he would be toting a pretty passenger, he would have made sure that it was on. Al didn’t seem to mind the way that I rode, squeezing with my legs and gently holding his waist with one hand. I’m grateful that my hair was up in a braid. The wind was making it fly around, a lot. I had left my helmet back with the bike, so this was a new one for me.

They patiently waited for me to fetch the gas can, and even rode me back down the road, to Darrin. They were kind to Darrin. Helping his bruised ego. Talking man-to-man; biker-to-biker, in ways that were not condescending; but understanding. They made sure that we were up and running. They even followed us down the road, but weren’t hounding or hovering.

True gentlemen.

I’ve said it before, I will preach it for decades to come – Bikers are some of the BEST people you will ever be privileged to meet, in your life.

I like how this man explained the concept of “Marriage”, from where I grew up. It falls in line with my own thoughts on Love. It simply extends my beliefs to marriage, and how it is a commitment between people. Sometimes the commitment is for a lifetime. Sometimes 30 years. Sometimes 10.

The commitment at its basic, is a daily choice.

matawindstorm

Yesterday my Facebook page lit up with a rainbow of color. Most of my friends have rainbow colored profile pictures. I did not colorize mine, even though I very much support the decision, I simply did not do it.

Where is marriage going? To me I find the legal rights of marriage what all the argument is about, as compared to the religious rights. Anyone can turn a good thing into a bad thing, and others can turn a bad thing into a good thing.

I look at nomadic law, where families traveled around the desert. The men did the hunting and gathering of the food, and the women did much of the work that needed done in the camps. This was done for safety. A man provided for all who lived in his tent, under his roof so to speak, his wife, his children. Each Man had his own…

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So one of the reasons that I have not been here, doing the online journaling thing, is that I have been spending more time doing this.

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I know that there are about a 100+ people, out there, in the world, reading this journal. Some of them I know are family, and few friends, who like to keep up with what is happening in my life. This is one way of not having to have, a dozen different phone calls about the same event. Then there are a few people, who will remain nameless, who read this, to find out how I’m failing. Pfffft!! Then there are a bunch, of complete strangers who are reading this, and I’m still not sure why. If I have said it before, I’ve said it a dozen times, I’m not here to entertain you, or anyone else. I write for me. Just me. Only me.

That said, every now and then, I find that taking a pen to paper, suits me. Sure, there are no cool photos to help tell the story. No horoscope entries to give me a jumping off point. No humorous meme to help us all laugh at ourselves. Yet, it does give me a chance to be completely honest, in a way that online journaling doesn’t. Knowing that I’ve got this ‘audience’ sometimes I write like I’m telling a good story. And a lot of my entries are just that – stories of my life experiences. Like any good storyteller, I leave out parts, that I don’t think help the story. Sometimes I don’t share in the parts of my story that are sad, and disappointing.

I’ve had a conversation with my friend, Mahee, about this subject. He’s looking into online journaling as well, thus finding out what all is available. I have thought about making this journal completely private, and not allowing anyone to read it until after my death. Or 50 years, After my death; just to be on the safe side. Unfortunately that would then negate one of the purposes of my journal, and letting my family and friends know what is going on in my life.

You probably noticed that not every entry here is readable, by everyone. They are password-protected entries. Things that I want to share with some people, but not the whole world. Usually its about something that I’ve already written about, but want to add more depth too, and expand upon, in ways that I am not sure how to deal with. Events / places / people/ situations/ thought-patterns, that I need some more time, and space, to express.

It should be pointed out that there are some entries that nobody gets to read. (*until after my death – password is in my Will*) Entries that take the event/ place/ person/ situation/ thought-pattern even deeper than I want anyone to know about.

At one point I thought about typing up my hand-written entries here… No. Freaking. Way…. I don’t have that kind of time. LoL

Taking a “selfie” is hard enough…. but you try taking one with 3 people.
One of whom, likes to horse around.
((hug)) you Elise.
😀

Anyhoo!!! Go Giants!!!
Tonight was Game 1 of the NLCS.
Which they won with style, and grace.
Much like my beloved Noles. (*notice the tshirt*)

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Marcella, you are the one who was sent to make a difference, to be a bridge, to light the way, by living the truths that have been revealed to you, so that others might do the same. 

So now you know why you’ve always seen the world so differently than others. 

To help, 
    The Universe

Have I mentioned how much I appreciate the opportunity to be alive?  Especially right now.  In this time. With these people.

I have felt this message, in various forms, for my whole life.  I have tried to see the world, the way that my parents did.  The way that my extended family does.  The way that friends see it.

I just don’t.  Maybe this is why I have always needed glasses.  My sight has always been “off”.

I want better in the world for my kids.  I had to break up the unhealthy marriage, so that the cycle of abuse could be busted.  I mentioned it before, the love and gratitude that I felt, from generations of my family, all coming at me, from the past.

Its a lonely place sometimes.  But I know that it’s worth it.