♋♋♋Daily Cancer Horoscope for 05 August 2015♋♋♋

If you are working closely with someone else or are moving closer, emotionally, to a friend, be mindful that the two of you will not always be on the exact same wavelength. It’s perfectly normal to be off track now and then. An event this afternoon, for example, might send each of you off into different directions, but don’t worry — you will both eventually come back to seeing things the same way. You are likely to be more emotional, while they will be more aloof. This is a good time to retire by yourself to your own private place. You seek and need comfort from the demands of the outside world, and having a pleasant relaxing time at home is probably the best way to accomplish this. Also this is a good time to go inside yourself and look at your attitudes, feelings and emotional orientation toward the world around you. You could do this by trying to bring out into the open those elements of yourself that usually remain hidden within you. But you could possibly become so overwhelmed by these elements that nothing of value will be accomplished. This is not so likely to happen, however, if you make the effort to look inside yourself consciously. People in authoritative positions may delay your work in order to take out personal grudges of the past. And this may be a cause of great concern for you, as it will not only impact the present events but also your future ventures too. At this time, just enjoy the domestic bliss you have and this will evoke greater enthusiasm in you. You may experience certain vague symptoms of a typical illness which has never affected you earlier. By the end of the day you will be able to figure out what it is! Focus on yourself and your personal needs too. In fact this is a wonderful time to groom your own self. Make yourself as much attractive as you can!

Perception.
For some parts of this horoscope yesterday I thought: “Yep, I did that.”
If you based my day based upon the one (1) text message I sent out to a few of my closest friends, then I had a pretty awful afternoon, and evening. No dinner. Loads of stuff to clean up. Errands list a mile long. No help from anyone, but my own two (2) hands and my own funds to get any of it done. I ended up creating domestic bliss in my home, and loving it while I was crossing things off the list that I had written out, in my moments of frustration, of being so alone and not having anyone’s support for me.

For other parts, I thought, “Well, that was totally off base.”
I don’t remember feeling any sort of symptoms of anything. I didn’t have much of an appetite but that is not too unusual, right? Nor do I have a boss who is hampering with my success. I am my own boss. Hmmmmmmmm

Yet, if I were to really look, I can see how 99% of this is correct.
I did get text communications from the people that I’ve known for a long time, who know me the best, and have always had my back. Who love me. Love my brothers to the moon and back! I did have some symptoms of illness – or as I’d like to see it ‘change’. In the end, I noticed that I am was missing the feeling of envy about being alone, at the end of the day. As for my boss, I can see how a new client’s failure to follow-up with what I asked, which has always bothered me in the past about previous employers, may hamper my future success.

I totally failed the last two (2) lines, I looked like crap yesterday. I was not well-groomed. My hair was half-thrown up in a ponytail. The kind that are only half-pulled through at the end, and thus like this bobbing bunch of hair, on the back of my head. Which would have been fine, except that I should have pulled it all the way through one more time, before I did the half-way – so by the time I got to the grocery store, it was falling down my neck, heading towards my butt, at a ferocious rate, and looked like a dead animal, hanging from my head. Which would have been fine, but I ran into people that know. Some of them I’d like to impress. This was not my best-groomed self to present, to the world. They made no comment at all, just greeting me as if I were still wonderful.

I guess its all about perception.

easter

So after talking to J, the girls’ therapist, I’m going to give Daphne what she wants. I’m going to let her move-in with her dad.

After all, I will be out of town this weekend, till Tuesday. I can add on tonight, and make it nearly a week long thing for them all.

Oh yes. Them all!

A few things about this that came up in talking with J.

1) Baggage goes with you.
Is that Daphne (and her dad) have got to learn that her baggage is going to follow her, wherever she goes. Life doesn’t get easier just because you move away from home. You still have to find ways to cope with your life. You still have to learn how to express your emotions. You still have to do your homework. No matter where you live.

Sure its going to be easier when there is nobody around to hold you accountable, right up front. Yet, it will catch up to you all the same. Usually though by not dealing with it, in the beginning, you end up having to deal with a much worse situation. Call it Karmic Interest.

2) Your siblings get to move out too.
Oh yes. Rebecca, Bronwyn, and Russell all get to come along. Its not fair to them, if Daphne gets to go live a live of luxury over at Dad’s place, and they still have to eat green beans for dinner. I’m not going to sit here and defend the idea that somehow she gets to have special privileges of no Study Hall, no curfew, fast-food take-out, no laundry duty, no chores, and no accountability for where you’re at, or who you’re with; if the others don’t.

The EX complained that he doesn’t get to spend time enough with the kids, well here you go. Which is a complete falsehood, because it is rare, to non-existent that I ever deny him, or them, time together. He even admitted this to me during our “conversation” this morning. AND again, when I brought it up, while we were having an additional “conversation” about this Trial Week.
Me: At any point do I force the current child-time-share agreement?
Ex: No.
Me: Have I ever told you that you were late in bringing the kids home on a Sunday?
Ex: No.
Me: Have I ever told you, No you can’t have the kids, and take to the beach; because that is on a weekday?
Ex: No.

3) Living at Dad’s means Living AT Dad’s.
No coming home 9 times in a day because you forgot something. No coming back to the house to sleep on school nights. Yes, Rebecca and Daphne do this. They pick and choose where / when they will sleep at home, vs sleeping at Dad’s. They don’t like having to walk the extra 7 blocks to the school bus in the mornings. But sleeping here at home, when I’m not here; is basically not living with either parent. Its living alone. They don’t get to do that during this Trial Week.

Living there means following all of Dad’s rules. If that means going to bed at midnight, or sleeping on the floor, or having to throw out the trash. So be it. I will not be driving by your Dad’s with fast food, because you didn’t like what he was serving. Oh, he does this to me, all the time. He will simply come by the house with a bag from Taco Bell, as I’m serving dinner.

So this will be a very interesting 6 nights. I know, I know, I know – a week is 7. Be grateful for the 6 days, I’m not sure I can handle more than that. I’m trying.

Marcella, you are the one who was sent to make a difference, to be a bridge, to light the way, by living the truths that have been revealed to you, so that others might do the same. 

So now you know why you’ve always seen the world so differently than others. 

To help, 
    The Universe

Have I mentioned how much I appreciate the opportunity to be alive?  Especially right now.  In this time. With these people.

I have felt this message, in various forms, for my whole life.  I have tried to see the world, the way that my parents did.  The way that my extended family does.  The way that friends see it.

I just don’t.  Maybe this is why I have always needed glasses.  My sight has always been “off”.

I want better in the world for my kids.  I had to break up the unhealthy marriage, so that the cycle of abuse could be busted.  I mentioned it before, the love and gratitude that I felt, from generations of my family, all coming at me, from the past.

Its a lonely place sometimes.  But I know that it’s worth it.

I miss you.
I missed you yesterday.
I missed you last week.
I missed you a couple of months ago, when I was having a hard time figuring something out; and could have used your help in figuring it all out.

I miss hearing you telling me how I screwed it up, and how I should make it better.
I miss feeling you picking me back up, when I’ve fallen flat on my face.
I miss you showing me how to be the best Me, that I can be.
I miss you teaching me to spread my wings, and take those chances.

I miss watching you with my kids.
I will miss seeing you celebrate their triumphs, and milestones.

I miss your advice.
I miss your quiet patience as I figure it out.
I miss your laugh as you tell me, “Marcella, Marcella, Marcella… you’re over thinking it. KISS it.”

Today is your birthday… and I miss you.
I miss your smile.
I miss your hugging me.
I miss Who You Are, as a Person, Walking Around on the Planet.

I will probably miss you tomorrow.

Godmother and me... on my first bike ride.... November 1980

Godmother and me… on my first bike ride…. November 1980

“If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day so I don’t have to live a day without you.”
-Winnie the Pooh

I’m not trying to be morbid. But seriously, what of death?

In the last year, death has come for, and taken my God-mother. I was not expecting it to come for her that cold night in March. I was not prepared for her crossing through the, of this reality into the next lifetime. Yet, I know that death is something that is going to happen to all of us.

There are thoughts on the veil that separates us from, different realities. There are thoughts on a specific place, where we live out the rest of our lives. Hanging out with our other loved ones, who’ve already made the leap. Where we are never hungry, and get to do whatever we want, for eternity, such as Heaven. Then of course there are the thoughts that if you behave a certain way, then the opposite of heaven is, where you work all the time, and are always hungry; named Hell. There are thoughts that we really don’t “go” anywhere specific, we are just reborn into another body. There are thoughts that we simply dissipate, and return to a form of pure energy.

Someone posted to FaceBook this: “What if the Light at the End of the Tunnel, is just another Vagina?”

That pretty much sums up how I feel. Death is a change from this existence to the next one. Whatever that “next one” is.

Knowing this though doesn’t make the grief of death any easier. It still hurts. It still makes me miss getting to talk to my God-mother. Getting to ask her advice about everything from dealing with my parents, to how to fix an accounting error. I don’t get to see her smiling face at family events any more. I miss her so much some days, that my chest aches.

I have to say that not knowing she was going to die really made her death shocking. More so, because while she wasn’t perfect, she tried to get healthy, and stay healthy. None of us, that I know of, knew that she could even be in the position of dying.

Now I am faced with the reality of someone I love very much, dying. I do know to expect it. To prepare for it. It doesn’t seem to make the idea any easier though. In all of the dreams about how my life might go, did I include this. I don’t know how to act, or react.

I don’t know the exact date. I’ve asked my girlfriend not to tell me that part. I do want to be there when the moment comes. I think more for her sake, after all its her husband who is not going to outlive any of us. So she has agreed to contact me if its a matter of hours, or days.

I love them, my Sweetie and her. They are my couple and my rocks, and my deepest confidants, and my advice-givers, and my shoulders to lean upon. They boost me up when I’m at my lowest, and help me to celebrate when I’m riding , on the top of waves. I know that I will feel this deep sense of grief too, we are very close, all of us. He is probably the one person in the world, who knows more about me than any other person on the planet. Every secret I can think, that I’ve got. Every worry, and every fear. Including this one.

What will I do when he is gone? And how very selfish is that to think and ponder about? After all, I will still be alive and able to taste sweet strawberries. She will no longer have her husband and he will no longer be here to see the beauty of a sunset.

Tim McGraw’s song : Live like you were Dying, comes to mind. And we do a lot of that. We take trips together. We watch good movies. We root for the Giants. We eat delicious Tim burgers. We laugh. We cuddle on the couch. We soak up each moment that we are given together. They are numbered for every one, but do we know that? Really know that?

We don’t talk about this subject though. It makes me cry and he hates to see me cry. I try to not think about it, but occasionally it rears its ugly head and growls at me. Sometimes the thoughts of what life will be like, 10 years from now, scare me. I don’t like to think of a time, when I can’t call him up, and get his advice, on what to do with a teenager who thinks, she is 30.

In the end it is their decision. Their lives that will be ultimately changed forever. I am not privy to certain conversations, or decisions. But I live with the consequences just the same. For right now, I am grateful that I get to witness it, and be a small part in all of it.

For those people who know me, and this situation: There are some who say, “You can just walk away.” I can’t actually. While I’m not married to him legally, nor would I ever want to usurp her role, as his wife. I may not be married to him, but I love them both as much, as if I were. I’m in it until death do us part.

In the end it is Death. It is still a change. It is still something that each of us will experience. As the saying goes:

Nobody Gets out Alive!

Another 4th of July – another cold day in Sacramento. LoL

It’s so funny, that people here think that it’s hot. And it is over 100*. But it feels chilly to me. The temps are only in the 80’s and 90’s at home, but it’s hotter there.

Elise and I did a great job today with our teamwork. We managed to get Tim dialyzed and still cooked up Macaroni salad and Potatoe salad. As well, as breakfast and some communications with people in the world, via email accounts. We rock!

Boogie and her entourage showed up around 7pm, just in time for our Shrimp and Chicken kabobs. Elise and I had fun with a countertop of veggies and skewers. Tim did his best to not laugh at us too much.

Colin, the master of fireworks gave us a spectacular show. I was part of the pre-show entertainment, by throwing on long pants, under my dress; and Tim’s large jacket. Hello… it was dropping down below 70*!

The piece de resistance – The Birthday Cake that Elise got for the occasion.

Love my friends' sense of humor.  And it was lemon... which is sooo yummy with the fresh raspberries.

Love my friends’ sense of humor. And it was lemon… which is sooo yummy with the fresh raspberries.

I love these new traditions that we are creating. My Western Family. *sigh*