♋♋♋Daily Cancer Horoscope for 05 August 2015♋♋♋

If you are working closely with someone else or are moving closer, emotionally, to a friend, be mindful that the two of you will not always be on the exact same wavelength. It’s perfectly normal to be off track now and then. An event this afternoon, for example, might send each of you off into different directions, but don’t worry — you will both eventually come back to seeing things the same way. You are likely to be more emotional, while they will be more aloof. This is a good time to retire by yourself to your own private place. You seek and need comfort from the demands of the outside world, and having a pleasant relaxing time at home is probably the best way to accomplish this. Also this is a good time to go inside yourself and look at your attitudes, feelings and emotional orientation toward the world around you. You could do this by trying to bring out into the open those elements of yourself that usually remain hidden within you. But you could possibly become so overwhelmed by these elements that nothing of value will be accomplished. This is not so likely to happen, however, if you make the effort to look inside yourself consciously. People in authoritative positions may delay your work in order to take out personal grudges of the past. And this may be a cause of great concern for you, as it will not only impact the present events but also your future ventures too. At this time, just enjoy the domestic bliss you have and this will evoke greater enthusiasm in you. You may experience certain vague symptoms of a typical illness which has never affected you earlier. By the end of the day you will be able to figure out what it is! Focus on yourself and your personal needs too. In fact this is a wonderful time to groom your own self. Make yourself as much attractive as you can!

Perception.
For some parts of this horoscope yesterday I thought: “Yep, I did that.”
If you based my day based upon the one (1) text message I sent out to a few of my closest friends, then I had a pretty awful afternoon, and evening. No dinner. Loads of stuff to clean up. Errands list a mile long. No help from anyone, but my own two (2) hands and my own funds to get any of it done. I ended up creating domestic bliss in my home, and loving it while I was crossing things off the list that I had written out, in my moments of frustration, of being so alone and not having anyone’s support for me.

For other parts, I thought, “Well, that was totally off base.”
I don’t remember feeling any sort of symptoms of anything. I didn’t have much of an appetite but that is not too unusual, right? Nor do I have a boss who is hampering with my success. I am my own boss. Hmmmmmmmm

Yet, if I were to really look, I can see how 99% of this is correct.
I did get text communications from the people that I’ve known for a long time, who know me the best, and have always had my back. Who love me. Love my brothers to the moon and back! I did have some symptoms of illness – or as I’d like to see it ‘change’. In the end, I noticed that I am was missing the feeling of envy about being alone, at the end of the day. As for my boss, I can see how a new client’s failure to follow-up with what I asked, which has always bothered me in the past about previous employers, may hamper my future success.

I totally failed the last two (2) lines, I looked like crap yesterday. I was not well-groomed. My hair was half-thrown up in a ponytail. The kind that are only half-pulled through at the end, and thus like this bobbing bunch of hair, on the back of my head. Which would have been fine, except that I should have pulled it all the way through one more time, before I did the half-way – so by the time I got to the grocery store, it was falling down my neck, heading towards my butt, at a ferocious rate, and looked like a dead animal, hanging from my head. Which would have been fine, but I ran into people that know. Some of them I’d like to impress. This was not my best-groomed self to present, to the world. They made no comment at all, just greeting me as if I were still wonderful.

I guess its all about perception.

capacity for love

I’ve had this imagine as a backdrop on my computer for a while now. Usually I find an image or saying that I like, and change it out every couple of days. This one has been here for over a month. It really speaks to me.

I find that in divorce you spend a great deal of time alone. Not just fake alone, where you are in a room full of people and feel alone. I mean really alone. No people around, alone.

I’m not completely alone of course. There are my children, who occupy space with me a great deal. Except when they are visiting their dad for the weekend, or one of their friends. I also have friends that I hang out with; though not any more than when I was married. These are things that I had not thought of when I got a divorce. I actually thought that I would have more time for my friends and such. I haven’t chosen to spend any more time being social now, than when I was married. Okay, a little more; but not great leaps and bounds of time. I joined a book club. We meet once a month. That’s about the amount of added time to my social schedule.

The weekends when the children are gone, I find things to do. I work on my home. I paint a room. I try to keep improving my yard. I get the car washed. I drive out to the beach. I do laundry. I shop and try out new cooking recipes. I journal. I read. I color mandalas. Yes, I am one of the growing trend of adults who color. I actually never stopped. I was one of those teenagers who colored. Then I did it along side of my kids, and made pretend that I wasn’t weird. LoL

The point is, I occupy my time, doing things that I find enjoyable. I am learning to enjoy my own company. I would like to say that I enjoy the silence but I’m not that good yet. I almost always have music on; either the radio, or a CD album in the DVD player. Yes, I use my TV as a very expensive CD player. Its not Autumn yet.

I’d like to say that I’m perfect, but I do have moments where I wish that I were not at the beach alone. That when I see the sun setting, I could point out the beauty that Mother Nature was painting, to some one. Its moments like this that I envy those who have a “Somebody to Love”. I do have a somebody. I have several. I just don’t have them nearby. The closest one is 7 states away. So I am left alone to enjoy the beauty of the twilight sky. I don’t ever get to show it to anyone, but – me; and I can’t just tuck it away and show them when I do get to spend time with a Somebody.

After all, Mother Nature does not believe in Repeats.

Its been nearly 4 years since the house flooded. The Great Flood of 2011 resulted in all of our walls to be repainted. Which is great for some people. It took me 13 years to paint all of the walls in my home, at least once. There was a difference of opinion when it came to color schemes. The repair people told me that I only got to pick one (1) color for my home… not just one (1) color in each room. One (1) color for the whole. freaking. house. I got an off-white, that had a bit of pink tinge to it.

Since there was this fresh coat of paint on the walls, we never got around to painting anything, but the girls’ rooms. And well, the girls painted the girls’ rooms. Picking out the color and everything.

I figured that it was time to paint my walls something other than ‘off white’. I figured this was a good start. Hell, if I don’t like it – I can just paint over it, something else. There’s nobody around that I have to get to agree. 🙂

Finally making changes.

Finally making changes.

Best painting helper around.

Best painting helper around.

Love how this turned out!

Love how this turned out!

Even managed to make dinner.... yep, Mac-n-Cheese.

Even managed to make dinner…. yep, Mac-n-Cheese.

I am so grateful for my friends. I’m telling you there is nothing, that a good long talk with my besties, can’t be solved in my world. Thank you to Elise and Tim for loving me so well.

So I gotta admit that allowing my children to go and live with their father for a week was hard. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I did NOT have a good night on Thursday night. I wallowed in my shit for hours and hours.

As I sat on the plane to Sac on Friday night I tried to figure out, Why. Yes, I was in a total over-thinking mood, all weekend. Poor Tim and Elise. They do put up with a lot from me, and how I am. I can be real mood-killer.

So, Why would it bother me so much to have the children with Barry this past weekend? When in factual light he and I had already agreed that, he would keep the children not only during his weekend, but also on Sunday, and Monday nights, while I was in CA visiting with Elise and Tim. This was only adding 2 nights on, 1 onto each end. Which again, shouldn’t have bothered me; and normally wouldn’t.

So WHY did it bother me so much?

Context.

Before Barry pulled his “Hyde-personality” and “let’s-pick-a-fight”, routine on Thursday morning, I was fine with the kids over at his home for 4 days. Had he asked me to keep them an extra day, as something nice for him; like when he wanted to take them to the beach for 4 days over the summer… I would have said: “Sure. Why not. That would be great. Easier on the kids. I wouldn’t worry about them being home for a few hours on Tuesday night when I arrived home late from the airport.”

But that is not how it went down.

Instead, it was “I’m going to take you to court and sue you for joint-custody of the kids. 50 / 50 so I don’t have to pay any child support. You’re keeping the kids away from me.”

Other than him taking me to court, nothing is further from the truth. Which I pointed out to him, in a conversation about how I don’t enforce our current agreement to the letter. Ever. AND HE AGREED WITH ME.

So why the drama?

Context.

When its me just being nice to him, he doesn’t like it. Why doesn’t he?
I am not him. I won’t speak for him.
I have my theories. Elise has her’s. Tim has his. I have mine. The gal in the check-out line at the Publix has her’s. Every one has their opinion.
Opinions are like assholes, every one has one. And they all stink.

When it comes down to it, I like to be in control. When Barry pushes my buttons this way, bullies me into doing something; I don’t like it. Even if it was something that I was going to do anyways. Its the fact that he bullied me into it. That I felt threatened, and scared of him, once again. Like I was backed into a corner; and did whatever I could, to keep him from hurting me worse, than he was already doing. I followed the ‘fear’ line of thinking. And I let it drag me right down the rabbit-hole on Thursday night.

Hook – Line – and Sinker.

So after talking to J, the girls’ therapist, I’m going to give Daphne what she wants. I’m going to let her move-in with her dad.

After all, I will be out of town this weekend, till Tuesday. I can add on tonight, and make it nearly a week long thing for them all.

Oh yes. Them all!

A few things about this that came up in talking with J.

1) Baggage goes with you.
Is that Daphne (and her dad) have got to learn that her baggage is going to follow her, wherever she goes. Life doesn’t get easier just because you move away from home. You still have to find ways to cope with your life. You still have to learn how to express your emotions. You still have to do your homework. No matter where you live.

Sure its going to be easier when there is nobody around to hold you accountable, right up front. Yet, it will catch up to you all the same. Usually though by not dealing with it, in the beginning, you end up having to deal with a much worse situation. Call it Karmic Interest.

2) Your siblings get to move out too.
Oh yes. Rebecca, Bronwyn, and Russell all get to come along. Its not fair to them, if Daphne gets to go live a live of luxury over at Dad’s place, and they still have to eat green beans for dinner. I’m not going to sit here and defend the idea that somehow she gets to have special privileges of no Study Hall, no curfew, fast-food take-out, no laundry duty, no chores, and no accountability for where you’re at, or who you’re with; if the others don’t.

The EX complained that he doesn’t get to spend time enough with the kids, well here you go. Which is a complete falsehood, because it is rare, to non-existent that I ever deny him, or them, time together. He even admitted this to me during our “conversation” this morning. AND again, when I brought it up, while we were having an additional “conversation” about this Trial Week.
Me: At any point do I force the current child-time-share agreement?
Ex: No.
Me: Have I ever told you that you were late in bringing the kids home on a Sunday?
Ex: No.
Me: Have I ever told you, No you can’t have the kids, and take to the beach; because that is on a weekday?
Ex: No.

3) Living at Dad’s means Living AT Dad’s.
No coming home 9 times in a day because you forgot something. No coming back to the house to sleep on school nights. Yes, Rebecca and Daphne do this. They pick and choose where / when they will sleep at home, vs sleeping at Dad’s. They don’t like having to walk the extra 7 blocks to the school bus in the mornings. But sleeping here at home, when I’m not here; is basically not living with either parent. Its living alone. They don’t get to do that during this Trial Week.

Living there means following all of Dad’s rules. If that means going to bed at midnight, or sleeping on the floor, or having to throw out the trash. So be it. I will not be driving by your Dad’s with fast food, because you didn’t like what he was serving. Oh, he does this to me, all the time. He will simply come by the house with a bag from Taco Bell, as I’m serving dinner.

So this will be a very interesting 6 nights. I know, I know, I know – a week is 7. Be grateful for the 6 days, I’m not sure I can handle more than that. I’m trying.

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So for the last few weeks the Ex and I have been having productive, even kind, conversations with one another. Speaking on the phone mainly, and once even in public. At one point he asked about my friend, whose health isn’t the best right now. I asked about Rhonda, and her health. I even went so far as to offer to skip one of Russell’s games so that Rhonda could come and see him play baseball. Knowing that Rhonda wouldn’t come and see him play, if I was there. I really thought that perhaps we had turned a corner and that this relationship with Barry could be a good one.

I should have been more cautious. I should have been more aware of what I was leading myself into.

This morning Barry informs me that as soon as he can, he’s going to take me back to court and sue for the custody of the kids. He’s going to take them away from me, because I’m not letting Daphne come and live with him.

This lead to an arguement.

He agreed with me, when I said, “This is why I shouldn’t be nice to you. This is what it gets me.”
He said, “I was being nice to you too. But you say one thing to me, then write crappy stuff about me on that Blog of yours.”

I do, but not always. I have on occasion written nice things about him, and how I am happy to see us working together. He said that I never write anything nice. I asked him if he had read it. HE said, “No. But I hear about it.”
Me: “Then you shouldn’t listen to rumor. You should go and get the facts for yourself, instead of relying on someone else’s lies.”
He didn’t have anything to say for that.

Ulitmately this was about Daphne.

I can see it for what it is now. I can see his worry about her. I have the same worries. He can’t control her cutting, or solve her depression, by moving her out of the enviroment that gives her stability and forces her to heal. Does he really think that allowing her to just “Up and Move to Dad’s” is going to solve this?

I can see her not liking how I hold her accountable for her actions. Her words. I can see her wanting to have something “easier”, and that she thinks she will get that from Barry. He claims that he can hold her accountable. That he can monitor. Be on top of her. Make her have study hall. Make her tell him, wherever she is. Make her give up her phone, and allow him to read what is on there. Yet, he hasn’t done any of these things in the last 2 years. Not on a consistant basis. Not every day.

Because it is hard. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of effort. He did not show that effort when he lived at home. He has not shown that effort since the divorce. Buying the kids whatever they want, is not being a parent. Feeding them junk food, because they don’t want to eat what you cooked, is not being a parent. Being a parent means making some choices for your kids, that they are not going to like; but are what they need to do. Even if its hard.

I spoke about some of the things like this. He just sat there. He just sat there and stared at me like I grew 3 heads or something. Then he started in on how he was going to take me to court if I didn’t let Daphne move in with him.

I know in my heart that if I let Daphne move in with Barry – she won’t be around this time next year.