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grateful vs resentful

I struggle with this one a LOT. More than I would ever like to admit to anyone. I find it hard to be grateful for what people choose to give me, and seem to become resentful towards them, for when they choose to withhold from me.

I can remember resenting my Momma, when she flat-out turned me down, at my offer to have her babysit Rebecca. Rebecca was an infant, and I was a tired brand-new mother. Momma was still working full-time as a teacher. After teaching 135 children all day, coming home to a screaming kid, was not her idea of a good time. I can’t say that I blame her. Yet, I do remember resenting the fact that I had no help in those days.

As the babies kept coming, Daphne just a year later. Then Bronwyn 3 after that. Each time asking my folks if they wanted to attend the baby’s birth, or to be there to help out, I was told, “No thank you.” By the time Russell came along, I didn’t even make the offer. Resentment settled in as I watched them traveling 672 miles to my sister’s side each time she gave birth, yet couldn’t travel the 23 miles to my home.

I used to joke that I could count on 1 hand how many occasions my parents had babysat for my children. 1 hand. That’s less than 5. Over the course of my having 4 children spaced 8 and 1/2 years apart. Yes, there was a lot of resentment built up there.

In recent years though, my parent’s attitude towards grandparenting changed, as well as their commitments towards being teachers of children. They have taken care of my children on so many occasions I can no longer keep the count. I know that it must look strange to outsiders, and feel even stranger to my parents when I gush and gush and gush my gratitude towards them, each time that they help me out. Phone calls, texts messages, even taking one or both of them out for a meal, to show my thankfulness. I know that had I not spent those years being turned down, I would not appreciate it half as much, as I do.

Along with that lesson I think that is why it is so very hard for me to actually ask for things. I’ve become so accustomed to being told, “No.” that I don’t feel, that I deserve very much in life. Instead I find myself just trying to do everything on my own, and having to work twice as hard, because of these chains.

Maybe the lesson isn’t so much as to be grateful for what I get, but to also keep in the forefront of my mind — don’t ask, don’t assume, just accept what you get and be thankful for that.

♋♋♋Daily Cancer Horoscope for 05 August 2015♋♋♋

If you are working closely with someone else or are moving closer, emotionally, to a friend, be mindful that the two of you will not always be on the exact same wavelength. It’s perfectly normal to be off track now and then. An event this afternoon, for example, might send each of you off into different directions, but don’t worry — you will both eventually come back to seeing things the same way. You are likely to be more emotional, while they will be more aloof. This is a good time to retire by yourself to your own private place. You seek and need comfort from the demands of the outside world, and having a pleasant relaxing time at home is probably the best way to accomplish this. Also this is a good time to go inside yourself and look at your attitudes, feelings and emotional orientation toward the world around you. You could do this by trying to bring out into the open those elements of yourself that usually remain hidden within you. But you could possibly become so overwhelmed by these elements that nothing of value will be accomplished. This is not so likely to happen, however, if you make the effort to look inside yourself consciously. People in authoritative positions may delay your work in order to take out personal grudges of the past. And this may be a cause of great concern for you, as it will not only impact the present events but also your future ventures too. At this time, just enjoy the domestic bliss you have and this will evoke greater enthusiasm in you. You may experience certain vague symptoms of a typical illness which has never affected you earlier. By the end of the day you will be able to figure out what it is! Focus on yourself and your personal needs too. In fact this is a wonderful time to groom your own self. Make yourself as much attractive as you can!

Perception.
For some parts of this horoscope yesterday I thought: “Yep, I did that.”
If you based my day based upon the one (1) text message I sent out to a few of my closest friends, then I had a pretty awful afternoon, and evening. No dinner. Loads of stuff to clean up. Errands list a mile long. No help from anyone, but my own two (2) hands and my own funds to get any of it done. I ended up creating domestic bliss in my home, and loving it while I was crossing things off the list that I had written out, in my moments of frustration, of being so alone and not having anyone’s support for me.

For other parts, I thought, “Well, that was totally off base.”
I don’t remember feeling any sort of symptoms of anything. I didn’t have much of an appetite but that is not too unusual, right? Nor do I have a boss who is hampering with my success. I am my own boss. Hmmmmmmmm

Yet, if I were to really look, I can see how 99% of this is correct.
I did get text communications from the people that I’ve known for a long time, who know me the best, and have always had my back. Who love me. Love my brothers to the moon and back! I did have some symptoms of illness – or as I’d like to see it ‘change’. In the end, I noticed that I am was missing the feeling of envy about being alone, at the end of the day. As for my boss, I can see how a new client’s failure to follow-up with what I asked, which has always bothered me in the past about previous employers, may hamper my future success.

I totally failed the last two (2) lines, I looked like crap yesterday. I was not well-groomed. My hair was half-thrown up in a ponytail. The kind that are only half-pulled through at the end, and thus like this bobbing bunch of hair, on the back of my head. Which would have been fine, except that I should have pulled it all the way through one more time, before I did the half-way – so by the time I got to the grocery store, it was falling down my neck, heading towards my butt, at a ferocious rate, and looked like a dead animal, hanging from my head. Which would have been fine, but I ran into people that know. Some of them I’d like to impress. This was not my best-groomed self to present, to the world. They made no comment at all, just greeting me as if I were still wonderful.

I guess its all about perception.

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So once again I was painted as The Bad Mommy, this morning, by K, the behavior therapist for Russell.

He had already had his session and we were called into her office. Its amazing to me how Barry only shows up right before its time for us to go back. And I know that K must know this, because she is the one who lets him into the office. The office has an electronic door, that she has to push a button for anyone to get into the door. She also knows that only RJ and I are the ones who show up at the time it starts.

So there we sit. The 4 of us. As we are talking K asks about his behavior at the dining room table. I think back over the week, and we didn’t have dinner all together, other than Monday night, due to our hectic scheduling with baseball and pep squad. So I had no honest answer for her. Although I did tell her that he was behaving better in the car. Not having to remind him as much to sit down and keep his seatbelt on. I was honest in my response, “I don’t notice it in the moment, but if I take a moment to sit and look back on it. Its not any worse than before. Nothing really big pops out at me.”

Then we talk about this morning’s incident with his outburst at me. I felt that it was uncalled for, but understandable considering the situation.

I was in the bathroom, and instead of getting out the big white board with Russell’s list on it, I was giving him the 3 new things he has to do in the mornings. As I was telling him about making his bed, I felt that I needed to be more clear in my communicating; so I expanded upon my first intial statement.
But before I could finish speaking, he yelled at me “I know! I heard you!”

Now I didn’t know that he had heard me, because he wasn’t standing in front of me. I had no eye contact. I had no verbal from him as I began my communications. I didn’t get any immediate response, so I felt I needed to expand upon my reminder, by being more clear of what I expected in the task of making his bed. “Putting your bedding back up on your bed. Pillows. Blankets.”

She asked him if this was true. Stating that perhaps we needed to work on him verbalizing to me, in a kind tone, that he had heard me. Instead of me trying to guess.

I told him, “Yes. I didn’t know that you heard me. I was in the bathroom, when you were in the hallway. When you yell at me that way, it hurts my feelings.”

K: “You shouldn’t do that.”

Me: *looking at her confused*

K: “You shouldn’t internalize it. It gives the child too much power over you. Imagine now that they know this, they are going to use it to try and hurt you over and over and over again.”

Me: “Yes. I know that they do. I have 3 other daughters.”

K: “Its like you should never cry in front of your kids. It gives them the power to hurt you in the future.”

I just shut up. I just sit there and wonder, WTF. I’m trying to teach them that what they do in the world has consequences. That their actions can hurt others’ feelings. I shouldn’t let them know that people have feelings? I’m trying to let my children know that I am a human being. I feel like I’m the place where they learn how to be human beings, themselves. How to treat the other human beings on the planet. To be the one human being that will always forgive them, when they mess up on interacting with other humans.

But I guess I’m wrong. Again.

Of course Barry sits there and just agrees with K, “Yep, she’s right.”

I already know that Russell’s brain differences are my fault. They come from me. I gave him this deformity with my genetics. I didn’t mean too. If I had known this, I wouldn’t have had any children. I wouldn’t have allowed this to happen. I seriously never thought that there was anything wrong with my brain. Sure its hard and frustrating some times. I just assumed it was like this for every body on the planet. Not just me. I get it now. I know that its not normal to have brains like mine. And now my poor son has to live with a fucked-up brain, too.

I just wish that someone would give me a little credit for trying to fix it, instead of constantly penalizing me for it. Where is the ‘good job’ for having attacked the issue with his 504 plan? Which I did bring up, and ask K her recommendations for things in his classroom. Why can’t anyone tell me how good it is that I’ve got this thing done in 6-9 weeks, instead of the 6-9 months that it takes other people? Instead of point-out what a failure I am as a mom. How I’ve got it all wrong in the parenting department.

I already know that I’ve fucked up. No need to keep pointing it out.

As for Barry.

He told me that he wanted to meet the B.T. So I told him when/ where/ who, etc. He knew that the appt was at 7:45.

At 8:20 when it was time for us to have the ‘family’ portion, Barry still hadn’t arrived. Russell peeked his head out and didn’t see Barry. “Where’s dad?”

me: “I don’t know.”
RJ: “He’s not here.”
me: “No sweetheart.”
RJ: “Can you call him?”
me: “Sure honey.”

K, the behavior therapist, “His dad?”
me: “Yes. I’m just going to call him.”
K: “He was coming?”
me: “Yes, But he hasn’t shown up yet.”

As I’m making the call, Barry drives up. So the 4 of us were in attendance. But I wanted to say ” Hey, I might be the crappy mom here… but at least I’m showing up…. and ON time.”

*frustrated*

Okay let’s be honest, every time I have left K’s office, I feel like I’ve been doing this whole mothering thing, Wrong.

She is good.
And kind.
And respectful of RJ and me.
And doesn’t come right out and say anything cruel.

Yet I feel like a failure when we leave. We have only been twice. And each time I have left feeling as though I am not doing a good job. That I have not made the right choices for him. That I have screwed him up because of who I am as a mom.

The first time was when I told her that I was not giving him the medications, and why I felt like that. Her reply was that I had to get over my dislike of the meds. That for all the kids she’s seen with ADHD, and she’s seen a lot of them, RJ is one kid who really should be on them. That the other things are going to be difficult, at best.

When I told her about getting him a bouncy bar, to put on his desk at school. It straps across the bottom legs of the table portion, and can adjust for height, width. Her reply was not to do that because it would make too much noise and cause him to be a distraction to the other kids.

When I told her that I was going to get a 504 plan for him. She told me that was fine, but to find out that it would take nearly the whole school year. (*even J told me this*)

When I told her that I didn’t want to tell him about the diagnosis, that I didn’t want the negative connotations that come from such a label. I didn’t want him to feel like he was a failure somehow, or different, or lesser-than. Nor did I want anyone else to know, because I didn’t want them to treat him like he was diseased. She told me that she will be using the words A.D.H.D. and that there wasn’t much I could do about it.

Then yesterday at the session she managed to tell me that I was doing something wrong. At the end of each session, K brings in the parents. Usually just me – but Barry wanted to come – and we will get into that in a minute too. So Barry and I were on the couch. She was in her chair. Russell was standing nearby. Then sitting. Then standing. The 4 of us were talking about the session and what we would be working on.

As we talked, Russell fidgeted with some toys on a shelf. A rubic cube / a triangle snake / a colorful ball / a small game / different things that required him to move his hands and such, and looking down at it, rather than the 1 of us.

At one point, I thought that he was being rude, in not giving K his full attentions, and answering her. He wasn’t speaking to her. Or anyone else. He was engrossed in the game toy. So without a word, I simply took the toy out of his hands, and put it back on the shelf. When I did, he looked up at Kirstin and began speaking his thoughts again. He sat down. We kept talking.

At no point did I admonish him. Or speak to him about it. I just gently took the toy and placed it back on the shelf.

K pointed out to me: There is no need to take the toys away from him. That is what they are there for. They help him to organize his thoughts, and better communicate; by occupying his mind in a different fashion.

me: My apologies then.

I didn’t give him back the toy. He didn’t get back up to play with it. He just rested his head on my lap. Seeking my ‘pats’, his form of affection that he prefers. He answered things. We continued to talk.

We go back next week.