“If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day so I don’t have to live a day without you.”
-Winnie the Pooh
I’m not trying to be morbid. But seriously, what of death?
In the last year, death has come for, and taken my God-mother. I was not expecting it to come for her that cold night in March. I was not prepared for her crossing through the, of this reality into the next lifetime. Yet, I know that death is something that is going to happen to all of us.
There are thoughts on the veil that separates us from, different realities. There are thoughts on a specific place, where we live out the rest of our lives. Hanging out with our other loved ones, who’ve already made the leap. Where we are never hungry, and get to do whatever we want, for eternity, such as Heaven. Then of course there are the thoughts that if you behave a certain way, then the opposite of heaven is, where you work all the time, and are always hungry; named Hell. There are thoughts that we really don’t “go” anywhere specific, we are just reborn into another body. There are thoughts that we simply dissipate, and return to a form of pure energy.
Someone posted to FaceBook this: “What if the Light at the End of the Tunnel, is just another Vagina?”
That pretty much sums up how I feel. Death is a change from this existence to the next one. Whatever that “next one” is.
Knowing this though doesn’t make the grief of death any easier. It still hurts. It still makes me miss getting to talk to my God-mother. Getting to ask her advice about everything from dealing with my parents, to how to fix an accounting error. I don’t get to see her smiling face at family events any more. I miss her so much some days, that my chest aches.
I have to say that not knowing she was going to die really made her death shocking. More so, because while she wasn’t perfect, she tried to get healthy, and stay healthy. None of us, that I know of, knew that she could even be in the position of dying.
Now I am faced with the reality of someone I love very much, dying. I do know to expect it. To prepare for it. It doesn’t seem to make the idea any easier though. In all of the dreams about how my life might go, did I include this. I don’t know how to act, or react.
I don’t know the exact date. I’ve asked my girlfriend not to tell me that part. I do want to be there when the moment comes. I think more for her sake, after all its her husband who is not going to outlive any of us. So she has agreed to contact me if its a matter of hours, or days.
I love them, my Sweetie and her. They are my couple and my rocks, and my deepest confidants, and my advice-givers, and my shoulders to lean upon. They boost me up when I’m at my lowest, and help me to celebrate when I’m riding , on the top of waves. I know that I will feel this deep sense of grief too, we are very close, all of us. He is probably the one person in the world, who knows more about me than any other person on the planet. Every secret I can think, that I’ve got. Every worry, and every fear. Including this one.
What will I do when he is gone? And how very selfish is that to think and ponder about? After all, I will still be alive and able to taste sweet strawberries. She will no longer have her husband and he will no longer be here to see the beauty of a sunset.
Tim McGraw’s song : Live like you were Dying, comes to mind. And we do a lot of that. We take trips together. We watch good movies. We root for the Giants. We eat delicious Tim burgers. We laugh. We cuddle on the couch. We soak up each moment that we are given together. They are numbered for every one, but do we know that? Really know that?
We don’t talk about this subject though. It makes me cry and he hates to see me cry. I try to not think about it, but occasionally it rears its ugly head and growls at me. Sometimes the thoughts of what life will be like, 10 years from now, scare me. I don’t like to think of a time, when I can’t call him up, and get his advice, on what to do with a teenager who thinks, she is 30.
In the end it is their decision. Their lives that will be ultimately changed forever. I am not privy to certain conversations, or decisions. But I live with the consequences just the same. For right now, I am grateful that I get to witness it, and be a small part in all of it.
For those people who know me, and this situation: There are some who say, “You can just walk away.” I can’t actually. While I’m not married to him legally, nor would I ever want to usurp her role, as his wife. I may not be married to him, but I love them both as much, as if I were. I’m in it until death do us part.
In the end it is Death. It is still a change. It is still something that each of us will experience. As the saying goes:
Nobody Gets out Alive!