That is a type of tequila actually…  LoL

But it is also a Nine (9) number.  Nine is a number of completion.  It is usually reserved for when we have accomplished something.  When we have obtained success in a matter.  Generally business related.  But I like to think that it is also in our spiritual paths as well.  Most of my “Ah Ha!!” moments happen on Nine days.

My life path is changing so rapidly I am having Nine days – almost every nine days! I sometimes can’t believe that its March already, and yet, when I think back to just last week, I was hanging out with Kreed just a week ago – and it feels like a Month has passed since I was being hugged by her. Again, that whole Time-Relativity thing is happening, still. Of course when I was with her, I had another Nine day…. Figures.

Some really auspicious occurrences in my life have a happened on Nine Days. Daphne’s birth. The day that I graduated from Willy. The day that I met Tigger and Christopher. The day I quit college and moved west. The day that I chose to be born.

I can’t wait to find out what happens on the next big Nine Day.

Yesterday.
Today.
Probably tomorrow, too.
I miss you.
marti

I miss you.
I missed you yesterday.
I missed you last week.
I missed you a couple of months ago, when I was having a hard time figuring something out; and could have used your help in figuring it all out.

I miss hearing you telling me how I screwed it up, and how I should make it better.
I miss feeling you picking me back up, when I’ve fallen flat on my face.
I miss you showing me how to be the best Me, that I can be.
I miss you teaching me to spread my wings, and take those chances.

I miss watching you with my kids.
I will miss seeing you celebrate their triumphs, and milestones.

I miss your advice.
I miss your quiet patience as I figure it out.
I miss your laugh as you tell me, “Marcella, Marcella, Marcella… you’re over thinking it. KISS it.”

Today is your birthday… and I miss you.
I miss your smile.
I miss your hugging me.
I miss Who You Are, as a Person, Walking Around on the Planet.

I will probably miss you tomorrow.

Godmother and me... on my first bike ride.... November 1980

Godmother and me… on my first bike ride…. November 1980

So in response to my post about Death, my couple and I sat down and talked. Well, Tim and I talked on the phone. Elise is more of a face-to-face sorta gal. Which I love about both of them. I am so very blessed to be a part of this amazing relationship.

Tim said that he talked to Elise about my worries… My concerns… My sadness. He said that I was (and Am) an important part of this process. That my feelings are important. That I do get to have a “say”. The thought of this idea, humbles me. Just. Humbles. Me.

I know that “legally” I don’t. But the idea that they feel I do… means so much more to me. I know that Elise and I talked briefly about what’s ahead. That day, sitting there in the food cafe, at UC Davis, it was clear that she and I are on the same page. She may want one thing. I may want one thing. Ultimately it is all up to Tim. All.

Its whatever Tim wants. When he wants it. Period.

She and I are just here to enjoy being with him. Each in our unique way. Each of us together, separately, inter-changeably.

My next step: Keep on doing what I’ve been doing all this time. Loving him. Loving her. Spending time with her. Spending time with him. Spending time together. Going on trips. Exploring new places. Keeping our traditions.

Living.

“If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day so I don’t have to live a day without you.”
-Winnie the Pooh

I’m not trying to be morbid. But seriously, what of death?

In the last year, death has come for, and taken my God-mother. I was not expecting it to come for her that cold night in March. I was not prepared for her crossing through the, of this reality into the next lifetime. Yet, I know that death is something that is going to happen to all of us.

There are thoughts on the veil that separates us from, different realities. There are thoughts on a specific place, where we live out the rest of our lives. Hanging out with our other loved ones, who’ve already made the leap. Where we are never hungry, and get to do whatever we want, for eternity, such as Heaven. Then of course there are the thoughts that if you behave a certain way, then the opposite of heaven is, where you work all the time, and are always hungry; named Hell. There are thoughts that we really don’t “go” anywhere specific, we are just reborn into another body. There are thoughts that we simply dissipate, and return to a form of pure energy.

Someone posted to FaceBook this: “What if the Light at the End of the Tunnel, is just another Vagina?”

That pretty much sums up how I feel. Death is a change from this existence to the next one. Whatever that “next one” is.

Knowing this though doesn’t make the grief of death any easier. It still hurts. It still makes me miss getting to talk to my God-mother. Getting to ask her advice about everything from dealing with my parents, to how to fix an accounting error. I don’t get to see her smiling face at family events any more. I miss her so much some days, that my chest aches.

I have to say that not knowing she was going to die really made her death shocking. More so, because while she wasn’t perfect, she tried to get healthy, and stay healthy. None of us, that I know of, knew that she could even be in the position of dying.

Now I am faced with the reality of someone I love very much, dying. I do know to expect it. To prepare for it. It doesn’t seem to make the idea any easier though. In all of the dreams about how my life might go, did I include this. I don’t know how to act, or react.

I don’t know the exact date. I’ve asked my girlfriend not to tell me that part. I do want to be there when the moment comes. I think more for her sake, after all its her husband who is not going to outlive any of us. So she has agreed to contact me if its a matter of hours, or days.

I love them, my Sweetie and her. They are my couple and my rocks, and my deepest confidants, and my advice-givers, and my shoulders to lean upon. They boost me up when I’m at my lowest, and help me to celebrate when I’m riding , on the top of waves. I know that I will feel this deep sense of grief too, we are very close, all of us. He is probably the one person in the world, who knows more about me than any other person on the planet. Every secret I can think, that I’ve got. Every worry, and every fear. Including this one.

What will I do when he is gone? And how very selfish is that to think and ponder about? After all, I will still be alive and able to taste sweet strawberries. She will no longer have her husband and he will no longer be here to see the beauty of a sunset.

Tim McGraw’s song : Live like you were Dying, comes to mind. And we do a lot of that. We take trips together. We watch good movies. We root for the Giants. We eat delicious Tim burgers. We laugh. We cuddle on the couch. We soak up each moment that we are given together. They are numbered for every one, but do we know that? Really know that?

We don’t talk about this subject though. It makes me cry and he hates to see me cry. I try to not think about it, but occasionally it rears its ugly head and growls at me. Sometimes the thoughts of what life will be like, 10 years from now, scare me. I don’t like to think of a time, when I can’t call him up, and get his advice, on what to do with a teenager who thinks, she is 30.

In the end it is their decision. Their lives that will be ultimately changed forever. I am not privy to certain conversations, or decisions. But I live with the consequences just the same. For right now, I am grateful that I get to witness it, and be a small part in all of it.

For those people who know me, and this situation: There are some who say, “You can just walk away.” I can’t actually. While I’m not married to him legally, nor would I ever want to usurp her role, as his wife. I may not be married to him, but I love them both as much, as if I were. I’m in it until death do us part.

In the end it is Death. It is still a change. It is still something that each of us will experience. As the saying goes:

Nobody Gets out Alive!

My Sweet Brother:
I am holding you right now… and in the coming days, weeks, months.
You’ve been on my mind a lot this past week.
I got your text message about David.
Then I heard this song on the radio….
I know that you will take your time, and in your own way. But I thought you might like the sentiment right now.

I was clearing out some old things, in putting things in our new computer desk, that arrived this morning. Bronwyn did such a great job helping, by getting everything off of the old one last night. Piling it all up on the dining room table. Then absconding with the old one, and putting it in her bedroom. 🙂

I was given a painful reminder, in the process.

There among some old holiday cards, Mother’s Day cards, Easter cards, and birthday cards… was the one that my God-mother gave me when I turned 40.

Birthday card0001

She really did have the best sense of humor. I like to think that, with my father’s genes, and my time spent around her, that I gained a little bit of it. She did love to laugh. She had a great smile, that lit up her whole face. All the way up to her eyes.

There are very few years that I can remember, not getting a card from her. Even when we lived in Saudi. It may have been late, but there was always a heartfelt message from my God-mother, honoring my birth.

I was reminded that this year, I won’t get a card from her. There won’t be a funny sentiment about my getting older. There won’t be a gift card for a lunch together. There won’t be small token of something to embellish one of my hobbies. There won’t be that reminder that she loves me.

I tried my best to just let it go… but she was also good at encouraging me to express myself. No matter what the emotion. So I just laid down in my bed, curled up with my pillow and let it all out. It was a good cry. In a brief moment, I thought I could hear her saying, “It’s okay. It’ll get better.”

I have faith that one day it won’t hurt so much to think of her.