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Your kindness and sweet spirit are beyond any I have ever known, and I am grateful that you came into my life. It is my deep admiration and love for the person you are, that makes it very difficult for me to say….. (fill in the blank)

Where do guys come up with this crap? Really? I should be so grateful that he thought I was “kind”? That I have a “sweet spirit”? That hearing this will some how make hearing the next part easier? Easier on whom?

It doesn’t make it any easier. I’m telling you this, from more experiences, than I care to admit too. Fill in the blank” is usually something along the lines of “I’m unable to be your friend any more because of my new girlfriend.” Or, “I think you’re a great gal, and I love that you offer me all the juicy details on how to score with girls.” Or even better, “I’m taking you up on your advice and being kind to my Ex… so now we are dating.”

If you are grateful I came into your life, then why am I no longer in your life? If you admire me so much, why are you dumping me on the roadside? If you love me, then why are you walking away? In an “email” no less. Which interestingly enough, you point out “I know an email is not the best way to tell you this,” No shit, dipshit.

If I am such a great-catch, and such a good person, then why am I alone like this? I tell people not to put me up on a pedestal. I tell them that I’m not that perfect. That I have faults. I’m the first person to admit that I am stubborn, judgmental, and swear like a sailor. I point them out to those who want to come into my life and be a part of it. Did this person suddenly find out about my ugly-side?

Is that why? Or is it like others, they just decided that they wanted something else. I hear it, more and more these days. Heck, in the last 9 months I’ve managed to “Be a Great Friend” myself out of a good riding partner, a good sex partner, and now what I thought was a man, I could love.

Should I stop being this “kind soul” that they mention? Stop listening to them, and supporting them in their daily lives? Stop having such a “sweet spirit”? I don’t even know what that is, or how to have it, or NOT to have it. I don’t know how to stop wanting the best for people. To stop trying to fill them up with love and healing. To stop encouraging them to finding their happiness.

Should I stop being “Me”?

Why do people think it’s so much better to hear the words “I don’t want you in my life any more”, if they preface it with some flowery pose of nice attributes?

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It was a “tater tot” sort of day.

That day when all you want to do is lay around, and fill yourself up with tater tots. Those little balls of ‘not-good-for-you-at-all’, ‘nothing-but-chemical-crap’, that when baked to a golden brown, make you feel better.

They aren’t the best thing to eat. They are better than filling up on something worse, like vodka. Which I don’t drink, ewe. So I’d have to replace my glass with tequila. Patron with a slice of orange, please. But knowing what sort of day it is, I can say that I knew better than to fill myself up with that.

The bag of tots though, sat there, already opened, and getting freezer burn, so it really was a win-win situation, in my eating them. Not a whole bag, mind you. Bronwyn and Russell helped me eat them. And it was just a 3/4th’s full bag. Okay, it was the largest bag possible. I only buy them big, you never know when you’ll need more tots. Its always a good thing to have on hand.

The bag is gone now… I wish that I could say the same for the reason I ate them all.

Isn’t that what Mrs. Reagan was trying to teach me back in the 4th grade? I can remember her on the TV, in the cafeteria, with her red pencil skirt, white blouse and that really big froompy blue bow; spouting off to us kids how we should “Just say No” to drugs. Don’t I wish it was just drugs I had to say no, too.

I feel overwhelmed and need a break. A good long ride on a motorcycle. A good long day with the wind in my face, and the sound of thunder under my feet. A good long day with nothing but a rider, who will keep me safe and not ask me to talk about it all.

What I got today though was not those things, but another man who just wanted an easy fuck. Well maybe not an easy one, but a gal to date. I wanted a ride – he wanted a girlfriend.

Pfft!!!!

Last night I went out with Drew. He’s the restaurant’s milkman. 🙂

He and I have a working relationship, but its a friendly one. We were talking one day about football. He noticed the T-shirt on my chair. I put a Nole’s “Fear the Spear” shirt, over the backside of my office chair. I’ve got quite a few comments from it. He was telling me about a friend of his, that he knew from college, who played some football, and now lived in Kissimmee. His friend was having a Holiday Open House, this coming weekend, and would I like to go.

I was thrilled to be asked out. I said, “Of course. I’ll even wear a dress. Do up my hair, and get all girly-fied on you.”

He chuckled. He gave me a great big hug, and was off. He told me that he’d keep in touch on the details for Saturday. He did. It was going to be a full on holiday fun. Buffet and music. Dancing and merriment. I was so looking forward to it. I haven’t been to a holiday party in years. I told him that I was really happy that he asked me. That it took courage to be a boy, and that I didn’t begrudge him his having to be a boy. Boys have to take the chances, and girls get the easy part. He agreed with me.

I did get all dolled up. I did my hair, and even put on some mascara. I wore a bright red skirt, and bought a sparkly green sweater. I even took the time to get my nails done. He was complimentary. Told me that I did a great job. He had on a pair of nice slacks and button up top. He was dressed to have a good time. It was nice to get into the holiday spirit.

We agreed to meet at 5:30pm. He wanted to take me to dinner first, since Ray’s party didn’t get going till nearly 8pm. We met at a half-way point, Apopka. I left my new car at the CVS, and we took off in his Hummer. I did the safe things, and let my Sweetie know his name, phone number, work information, and took a photo of his license plate. Drew was impressed, and mentioned that he would make sure his own daughter did the same, when she would date, at age 30. lol

He was a perfect gentleman, and asked me where I wanted to eat. He has suggested a local Mexican place. “But there’s pretty much any other place you can think of.”, and he began to list a bunch of national chains.

I told him, “I would rather eat in a local mom-n-pop place, over a chain. The people who run the local restaurant are employing local people, they are living here, working here, investing here. I don’t want to give my money to some corporate millionaire, when he won’t miss it. My $20.00 could be the breaking point for the local people.” Drew said, “I like how you think. That’s amazing way to look at it.”

We ate at the Mexican restaurant, and it was wonderful. I even teased him, when we sat down, the 2nd booth away from the wall, with my back to the TV up upon it. “If you get bored, you can always watch the basketball game.” He chuckled that there was no way he was going to be bored. We talked about our kids, his growing up outside of D.C., being one of 6 kids (his momma was a saint), our divorces, how he got our of D.C. by getting a scholarship to UCF, for soccer. We even talked about our jobs, and futures. He has had a full life, and has a good outlook on the rest of it.

We would have been done, but for a woman who came in wearing a Nole’s tshirt. I had to tell her ‘Go Noles.’, and she replied that she hoped so. I looked puzzled, and so Drew told me that the Heisman awards were on TV last night. I just kept turning my back, and looking up towards the TV now. I tried not to be rude. Drew said it was fine. Eventually, I made him scoot over, so that I could sit on his side of the table, and see the screen easier. I was a bit worried that I was being a bad date, he assured me that I wasn’t. He said to me several times: “I could sit here next to you all night.”

(*Jamieson won*)

We eventually left the restaurant. It only took 3+ hours to eat. lol But by the time we did, we were too late to go to the party. I felt bad. Drew assured me that it was fine. Again, he was a gentleman, and said that he would be happy to extend the night, “Any thing you want to do.” I just started talking out loud. “We could find a place to listen to music. See a movie. …” We agreed upon a movie, which was nearby.

Seems that movies are becoming passe, we were only 2 of 8 people in the theatre. LoL We saw “Thor, II”. Even though neither of us saw the first one, we enjoyed getting caught up in the fantasy, that a good movie can bring. He continued to be a gentleman, but he is still a man. He held my hand. Caressed my fingers, and palm. Yet no matter how much he may have wanted more, he was respectful of my space. Even when I mentioned my Sweetie. He respected that too.

Overall, not bad for a Saturday night. He worried that I had gotten dressed up for nothing. I assured him that dinner and a movie was a wonderful time. I haven’t been out for that, in a long time, either.

So I haven’t written about this publicly up to this point. Though its been brewing and simmering, in the back of my mind for a while. Barry has a girlfriend. 🙂

I am happy for him. I really am. I feel bad for her. But then its not my responsibility to look out for her. She will have to make those determinations on her own, as she comes across his personality, and nature.

So why haven’t I written more about this publicly? My kids.

I don’t know how to reconcile this with regards to my kids. What exactly is my role here? What is the Right Relation to this? To her?

I have known “about” her for months now. Not directly. No. Not from him, or even the children. But there were clues. Little bits that if you looked for them, told you that there was another woman. Why wouldn’t the kids tell me? I don’t know. I could guess things like, Barry telling them not to tell me. Or they wanting to protect my feelings about it. I don’t know. But they didn’t.

It as fine with me, just hanging out in the ‘dark’ so long as she was respecting my role in my children’s lives. It was when she crossed that line… or Barry helped her to cross the line; that I got a bit more direct about it all. I flat out told Barry that I wanted to meet this woman.

To me it was only fair. If she was going to have direct relationship with my kids… my Minor Kids… then I have a right to meet her. In their whole lives, there hasn’t been an adult that I haven’t met. Not a teacher. A coach. A supervisor. A counselor. I have met every adult that has come into direct contact with my child. These are my children. I will not be kept in the dark about the people who are interacting with them.

So after a couple of weeks, hinting around… letting Barry know what I would do if the roles were reversed he finally came out and said: I know what you’ve been trying to do… but she doesn’t want to meet you.
me: Why not? I hear that she is a teacher. She shouldn’t be worried about meeting me, as a parent. If anything, she should be happy to meet me.
Barry: Well she’s not. She doesn’t understand why you want to meet her?
me: Because she is having a direct relationship with my children. Texting them directly on their phones. Babysitting them when you are not around. As a teacher, she should understand this about parents.

He finally acquiesced to a meeting. Public of course. At our local Christmas Walk, in downtown, tonight. We were standing there in the middle of the intersection between Donnelly and 5th. The kids were going here, and there. Barry and she stood there, sorta not sure what to do with themselves. I tried to make small talk. Ask about her own children… all grown up and moved out. Her health… she’s been battling breast cancer. She didn’t respond much…. just kept drinking on her cup (from home, containing who knows what) and puffing on her cigarette.

I will keep my opinions of her, to myself. I won’t publish them here, at least. They are my own, after all. But — wow.

It was interesting to see the kids with her. The girls were too wrapped up in all the hustle and bustle of the holiday activities and such. Asking Barry for money, for this or that. Him doling it out like it was no big deal. (*wish he paid his child support as easily*) They loved up on me… as much as teenaged girls do. Then would text me from wherever they had run off too… asking for permission to go to the next place in the middle of the activities. Basically letting me know where they were. Love those girls.

Russell though was interesting. You could tell that he has developed an attachment to her. Calling her by her first name, which I corrected, asking him to refer to her properly. He did. She didn’t say one thing about it, or another. I will give her credit for not going against my parenting of my own children. Although it should be noted that she gave him money… supposedly for washing her car. $20.00 to a 8 year old for washing of a car? Really? I don’t even give my 16 year old that much. And she does a really good job, including vacuuming it out. I am not sure that Russell does that.

So far, I have no problems with her… but watch out Rhonda. You step over the boundaries of ‘girlfriend’ and into my territory of ‘Mom’… and the next meeting won’t be so pleasant.

“Do you have dinner plans?”

This is the text I get at 7 am yesterday morning. Of course I don’t have dinner plans. Who makes dinner plans that early in the day? lol

It was from my friend, JT. He is a sweet guy. Smart. Funny. Gentleman. He and I have gone out to a couple of dinners in the last few months; and he even suffered through the Blue October concert with me, back in August. I haven’t seen him since before the trip to CA; when we walked around the Mt. Dora Craft Faire together before enjoying watching our Noles beating NC State.

So I replied: “No. What did you have in mind?”

He called me, cause it makes it easier. Especially at 7 in the morning. He just said that he had missed me the last couple of weeks, but knew that I had a family funeral to attend too. Plain and simple: he didn’t want to eat dinner alone.

So I said: “Sure. But can it be lite? Late?” He said that was fine. He had things to do as well, and plans with his brother. He would text me later to confirm a better timing. I told him to have fun.

Later came. He texted me. We had agreed that he could pick me up at my home. A first for me. I’m still worried about my kids and want to protect them. He has never once balked at this. He has been nothing but kind in that regards. I sent him my address, and some basic directions.

He texted back, saying that he had Nina with him. He would pick me up, and then drop off the dog at the house, change and we’d be off. I was at the store at the time, and asked him to stop by and get me after the dog and clothing change. He was fine with that, too. He is such an easy going guy.

I got home, put away groceries, lectured the kids, made arrangements, cleaned up the house; and changed my clothes. It was getting cooler now that the sun had gone down, and I was in shorts and t-shirt. So I put on a pair of black slacks, and my new pink sweater. Lightweight, long sleeved, V-necked, but a pretty pale pink color. He was outside before I knew it. I wasn’t sure if he would come in, or not. After a few more, “Mommy moments” I realized that he wasn’t, so I headed out.

JT told me while we were eating, that he really struggled with whether to come to the door, or not. “I know that you are a very private person. I respect that. I could see your kids heads popping up, and didn’t want things to be weird for you at all. I really do prefer to come to your door, and pick you up. Just so that you know.”

He really is old fashioned this way. He is always making sure that he escorts me in and out of buildings. Pushing my chair in. He gets the door for me. This goes along with car doors, too. He even teased me last night with the fact that he really does want me to sit there, and wait for him to open the door. He made a funny face at me when I waited at the restaurant. He stood there for a heartbeat, while I almost opened it up. Almost. I remembered. He laughed at me. “Good girl. You did well. That was hard for you. Wasn’t it?” I told him that it wasn’t. I’m just used to doing for myself. But he is nice about it.

We sat outside, by the lake. Had a glass of wine. I enjoyed a nice shrimp n spinach wrap sandwich. He nibbled on my fries. He is a salt-aholic. So I just opted to eat a few, and then let him douse the rest of them with the shaker, and have at it. When I asked him why he didn’t eat, turns out that his brother had fed him at 4pm. He was full. LoL.

I told him that we could have rain-checked it. He said there was no way he would do that. He had asked me out, and that was that. We talked for over 2 hours.

He is so easy to talk about. There are numerous subjects that he knows about, and feels comfortable talking about. Even his kids. He has an ex-spouse too. And at one point she called. Well, she was calling, to allow the kids to wish him a happy birthday. She is as manipulative as mine. We think that they should hook up. LoL

Seems it was his birthday yesterday. Hence, the not wanting to have dinner alone. I felt bad, I told him. “I should be taking you out, not the other way around.” He said the my company was the gift that he wanted. Did I mention that he was a gentleman? 🙂

We finally left the poor waitress alone, so that she could clean up. We got to my house, and sat in the truck for another hour and half, talking. About every thing under the sun. Telling stories. How to deal with teenaged girls. Ex-spouses. Family members who suck, and the upcoming holidays.

After my wild weekend, I really did need to just be able to sit in an outdoor café, with a glass of wine, and a good dinner companion. It was the perfect way to wrap up my weekend.