Daphne, J and I talked today about this trip to OH that Daphne wants. She misses Taylor already. Its been a whole 2 weeks. You’d think that her right arm has been taken off. I understand the whole “BFF” thing. I do. I have had those types of friends myself, in my life. I know the void that happens when they move away from you. Especially so far away that you can’t just drive there for a cup of tea, or glass of wine. When they move so far away that even a weekend trip is out of the question. I get it. I do.

But does she have to go now? I mean there are so many things that I don’t think Daphne realizes about her being off in OH. She claims that stress is what causes her to hurt herself. Does she think that there won’t be any stress in OH? That somehow, traveling 900 miles away will suddenly keep her from cutting her skin with sharp objects?

It’s the teenaged sense of immortality, that makes her believe in the magic of things like this. I know it. I was a teenager once. I know, I seem so old, that it was the dark ages, when I was a teenager. After all, we didn’t even have FaceBook, Instagram, or even the internet back when I was a teenager. Let alone cell-phones, to keep us in constant communication with each other. We had to rely on new fangled things, like Answering Machines.

J knows my worries. She is a good therapist; in that she doesn’t dismiss my fears, as irrational, or stupidly over-protective. She may not believe that they are rational, and valid. Yet, she never lets on, or lets me believe that they are anything, but. J and I spoke a bit about it, and she was happy to know that I had my own support system, for getting through this time with Daphne. J is confident that if the things we have agreed upon, are fulfilled, that Daphne will be okay in OH for 5 weeks. That she will make it home, in 1 piece.

Daphne has to complete Three (3) tasks in order for me to buy the tickets. These tasks are not out of the realm of appropriate according to J. J told Daphne that she agrees with my conditions. That they were do-able, and reasonable. At this point, I think that Daphne would agree to just about anything, to get to go to OH for the summer.

1) Daphne has to be back in 34 days. She cannot miss more than 4 weeks of appointments. After the 5th one, she would be required to re-apply for therapy. Meaning, more paperwork. It was a 2 hours process the first time around. I can only imagine what the paperwork would be like for a re-apply.

As well, J feels that Daphne is not cured. She is far from it. The type of therapy that she needs is not something that she can do over the phone, at this point in her healing. She is far enough along, to take a few weeks off; and will be further along, with condition #3.

2) Daphne has to tell Terri about her condition. Straight up. She is at the place in her healing, where she has to lay claim to it, and not be afraid of being honest about her addiction. She has to be able to stand up and be honest with those around her, as well as herself. This is part of who she is, as a person. There can be no hiding it. The more upfront about it, and what it means, to her day-to-day life, the better equipped she is at handling it.

So tonight Daphne and I made a call to Terri.

It was hard, and yet I was so proud of Daphne, at her verbalizing her disorder, out loud. She is such a strong person, my sweet baby.

I was amazed with Terri. Hearing her reaction to Daphne’s confession, made me weep with joy, at her compassion. Not only did she already know, but she told Daphne how proud she was of her, for voicing it out loud. They talked a little about the things that Daphne could do while in OH, to help with her urges. Such as having the baggie of ice in the freezer for those moments when the urge is too much.

The 2nd part of this part of the requirements, is that Terri has a right to know what Daphne is bringing into Terri’s home. It’s extremely important for Daphne’s safety that Terri know what is going on. But more importantly, it’s a sign of respect for Terri.

What made me sure that this would be okay, was Terri letting me know that when she knew what Daphne had, she went to the internet and began to research. She did this of her very own accord. To be better prepared for helping Daphne, and watching for signs. For that emergency situation, if she found Daphne unconscious; she would be able to explain to the paramedics, and get the best help for Daphne.

3) Daphne has to complete five (5) more sessions of therapy before she gets to go to OH. That gives me four (4) more weeks to get used to this idea. To talk it out with my Sweetie. To talk it out with Daphne. To have Daphne do more work, on her healing. Serious work. J and I agree, that if Daphne is not seriously working on her healing, then this won’t happen. We can’t let Daphne go off, if she’s not well enough to make it through. Just having Taylor’s presence isn’t enough. The last cutting, was when Taylor was here.

Having agreed to the terms and conditions of her release to OH… I booked the flights tonight. She leaves on the 18th of June. Which I guess is as good a day, as any. It’s the 20th anniversary of my wedding to her father. So there has to be a little bit of luck in that, right?

After all, that is what lead to Daphne being in my life at all… so, I will take all the luck, I can get, my hand on.. to keep her in it.

He really thinks that I don’t know my own kids?

Really?

The problem with Daphne’s cutting came fully out into the open this week.
It started with Barry – of course.  When doesn’t the problems in my family start with her father?  He was spouting off – trying to push my buttons – when he wasn’t getting his way about the counselor decision… (see previous posts)  So he tells me:  “Well they tell me things that they won’t tell you.  They don’t like you.  They want to live with me.”

Normal ‘button pushing’ statements.  Pfft.

He tells me that Daphne was cutting.  That he learned it from Rebecca.  So he told Debby the counselor (who admitted to knowing about it when Barry revealed it to him)  But she had no answer for me, when I asked her:  “Why didn’t you contact me to let me know this about my own child?”  What a piece of shit, counselor.  I understand privacy – I understand the need for confidentiality – but if one parent knows, then its no longer private in my eyes.

I didn’t let it get to me – I had my suspicions anyways – so I admitted to him:  “I already knew that.  Duh!”

Barry: “You don’t know them.  They don’t tell you things.  They hate you.  You don’t even know that Rebecca is no longer a virgin.”

Me: “I knew when she lost her virginity.  It was right around the time of our divorce.  I didn’t need to blab it to you.  It was her news to share.  I even know the boy that she did it with. You think I don’t know my own children?  Really!”

Barry:  “No I don’t.  All they do is bitch about you.”

Me:  “I know my kids.  I know more than you think.  I’m the one who knew Daphne was dying.  I was the one ranting and raving at you to hurry up.  Who refused to believe me.  I know them like nobody will ever know them.” 
(*idiot!  Of course they bitch about me.  I am a parent.. not a friend. I give them rules.  I give them limits.  I give them safety.  They want you to like them. You’ll only like them if they show you that they don’t like me.  Cause you don’t like me.  And will not like them, if they like me.*)

Being a parent means knowing your kids… and he hasn’t the first clue about them.

I had called Barry last week to let him know that the DCF appointed counselor had been by my home, and interviewed each of the children.  To do their in-take evaluations.  That in the course of those evaluations, it was made clear to me, that Daphne couldn’t have two (2) counselors; so Debby W. would have to go.  I thought that he would be happy to know that his reasons for contacting DCF, were coming true.  DCF would be providing counseling for each of the children, especially Daphne, free.  That he wouldn’t have to pay for Debby, at $100.00 per hour, any more.  Considering how much he complained about it, and said that he didn’t have the money for it.

Nope.  He was all indignant and pissy about it.  Claiming that he was going to pay for Debby to see all of the children.  Even though he didn’t have the money for $100 a week/ he now had money for $400 a week?  Even though she wasn’t DCF compliant?  She refused to take any insurance, even once I get it in place again?  She was not well-versed on communicating to me, as Daphne’s mother.

Of course I called Debby.  I told her about the DCF counseling.  I told her that she would no longer be needed.  She tried to say that she would be seeing all of the kids.  That she had already talked about it with Barry… which was news to me.  I let her know the truth about DCF being in the picture – she was under the impression that the school had called DCF… and that it had only been in the last 2 weeks.  I let her know that  Barry had called them… and it was 2 months ago.  Weeks before she even began seeing Daphne.  She was surprised by that too.

She tried to tell me that it was up to Barry.  I let her think that.  But after talking to Lenore, a social worker, familiar with DCF, and my rights.  I am these children’s’ mother.  I may have to make medical decisions with Barry, 50/50 – but then so does he.  He isn’t.  He didn’t check with me before signing Daphne up.  He just did it. I have the right to cancel Debby.  All I have to do is to send her a letter.  I will do that Monday.

I think that DCF counselor is fine.  She is at least flexible in her approach and willing to see Daphne and Rebecca after school.  Rebecca really does need to stay in her classes.  She needs to pass.  And Daphne is such a private person – that to be pulled out of class every week for the next 10 months, is not a good idea.  It would do more harm than good for her.  Barry has no clue about that, when he pulls her out of her last class every week – early!  Talk about somebody not knowing their kids very well.

I know if it comes down to it – the divorce agreement says that Barry and I will have to go to mediation about it.  The kids live with me 80% of the time… not Barry.  So I’m banking on that to help me win my case.

Lenore thinks that it will.

I see her hurting so much.

I want her to get the counseling that she needs. But I know how hard it is for her. To trust. And for different reason than my own issues with trust.

I heard her telling me her truth, on Saturday – when she said it in a nutshell: “Everybody leaves!”

She was just starting to make progress with Debbie, really starting to make some headway in opening up. She did her traditional shit of trying to lie her way out – to push Debbie away – and Debbie stood firm. Called her on the lying – called her on her shit. Then forgave Daphne and kept standing there for Daphne to talk too.
Then Debbie left too.

Leaving – Taylor her best friend – moved away.
So did another girl.
Then we watched Jewel get more involved with Mathew from next door, and leave her, in a sense. One of the reasons that Daphne and Mathew do not get along. They are vying for the attentions of the same girl. Just different reasons.

Her dad left, in her opinion. I tried to tell her that he didn’t leave. He was just up the road. She could see him every day if she wanted too. Although he really never was there emotionally for her – or any of the kids. So she has a point there.

PopPop left. He died. Not that they were close – but she misses him just the same.

Bronwyn spoke up – we were all standing around her that day – and said that she hasn’t left. To which Daphne snipped back: “You are never here. You’re always gone.”

Rebecca tried to put her 2cents in – but Daphne took her head off: “Oh don’t even go there with me bitch. I don’t respect you. I haven’t for a long time. And you know why. You do really stupid shit, I won’t say here.”

I wanted to tell her: “I am still here. I have never left.”
but the words wouldn’t come .

She tries to be involved – but its different socially for her. She may have a dozen ‘friends’ — but they have no idea of her depth.
They don’t know her true self. And with the rumor-mill that is a High School, they won’t. She hates to be talked about… the drama of it. Rebecca thrives on it – Daphne shuns it. She’s an extremely private person.

She doesn’t have anyone that she feels, that she can tell them ‘everything’ or ‘anything’ – and not be judged for it. I would love to be that person for her – but I’m mom. She’s hurting. She’s lonely. She has emotional needs that she doesn’t know how to express… or to move through… and let go of.
And she’s drowning.

I don’t know how to save her.

Rebecca and Daphne were formally discharged from therapy tonight. Its been a long road to get here. I’m so amazed at their ability to grow. Its nights like this that give me hope that what I’m doing is the right thing for them. That I’m fixing some of the damage I’ve caused, or allowed to be caused by not being stronger. That some how I am providing them a chance at a better life. Better relationships. Healthier relationships.

Tonight was their Final. Its been a long program on Anger and Relationships. They have had to learn thing about frustrations. Emotions. Anger is an emotion and it has its place. How we express that emotion is what has been unhealthy, in our home for a long time.

They were each able to identify, acknowledge, and admit to things that had happened in our home. How they had been treated, at their dad’s hand. Each of them in turn speaking out loud those things that they refused to acknowledge in the past. The painful. The hurtful. The unbalances. The wrongs that made them hate themselves… and afraid of him.

D, reminded them: “This does not mean that you are supposed to hate your dad. He is still your father. He is never going to stop being that.”

She also reaffirmed my position to them: That they deserved better, and that they should be grateful to me for having the balls to stand up and stop this cycle.

We’ll see how the holidays go from here… but growth takes time and energy. They’ve expended a bunch of energy lately on getting stronger. I’m so proud of them.

More like a mutual truce.

I don’t think that my father is ever going to understand how his actions have hurt me. Or sent a message to me that he didn’t agree with my choices, in regards to my marriage to, and subsequent divorce from, Barry. He even told me tonight: “it was the right thing to do.” when he had Barry living with him after his arrest for harming me.

He started out the conversation telling me. “Those emails you sent weren’t very nice. Do you still believe all of that?”

I held my ground with him though. I said: “Yes. I do. I don’t think that you support my choices. I feel like you choose Barry over me.”

He said: Well Barry’s family is all in CA. His friends are in CA. What should I do?

me: Barry could have made friends here. He’s been living here for 17 years. He has chosen NOT too. He had made friends from his job. His previous jobs. There is Blaine. Keith. Any number of people that he could turn too. But he doesn’t. His choices.

Dad: “Well with my birthday I’m supposed to tell him that he can’t come to my house?”

me: “Sure you can. Its your house. Your choices.”

He didn’t have anything to say to either of these statements.

Then he went on, “Well when he was there. He was really quiet. He didn’t interact with anyone.”

me: “Well he told me that Mom didn’t want him there. And had made it clear to him that she didn’t.”

Again: no response from Dad on that one. Not that Dad would have taken Mom’s feelings into account anyhow. She claimed right on FaceBook, in front of the whole world, that she did not like having Barry living with them, when he was arrested, and under court order to stay away from me. She had no choice in the matter. Which is opposite of what he tells me.

He even told me, that according to him, when Barry and I got married we were joined forever. We became one person. That when he bailed Barry out of jail, and had him living with him those months, “I consulted with your mother. It was the right thing to do.”

He continues to deny that he ever had any knowledge of anything Bad happening to me by Barry’s hand. He said to me that he didn’t know about the abuse. That he had no utter clue. At all. That he asked Momma about it. She also claimed to him that she didn’t know anything about it. They are going to deny that until they die. He said that I should be able to come and tell my parents anything.

I told him: “I came to you several times. I tried to tell you. I got lectures on marriage. Even when the police agreed with me. When the DA refused to drop the charges. Its not like I was going to start screaming it from the rooftops. Its embarrassing and humiliating.”

Does he respond to this with any sort of apology? Nope. Sensing a pattern yet? I did at this point.

He said to me: “Well we just want to help you.”

I asked him: “And just how do you think I need help?” I’m readying myself for the ‘you need psychological counseling for wanting a divorce’ speech. Instead he blows me away with an equally unsupportive comment.

He says that I shouldn’t have to do this alone. I’m thinking GREAT… he’s going to support me in my choices….

NO!!

He says that he and Mom feel like they have to support me financially. Financially?!?!?! *shakes my head*

I tried to explain to him that I didn’t want his financial support – I wanted his love and approval for what I was doing. That I would have thought he would be proud of me for being able to stand up on my own 2 feet. To support my 4 kids the way that I have. No… he says anyone can do that… anyone can buy a car. Keep a job. Make a mortgage payment. But it takes a real woman to raise kids. And that as a single mom, I shouldn’t have too.

I object to this, but told him that the only thing I want from them is their emotional support. Their pride in my accomplishments.
I told him: “I want you to be proud of me. I want to be able to come to you and say, I’m getting a divorce because I deserve better. And have you agree with me. To hear you say, “You’re right you don’t deserve to be treated that way. Good for you for standing up for yourself.” But that isn’t what I get from them. I don’t think that I ever will.

He did say that I was doing a good job raising the children. He was proud of the job I was doing for that. So at least that is something. I guess *shakes head* – Again.

Then the subject turns to my dealing with Barry. He said that while Barry is no longer family, he is still the kids’ father, and as such, he would have to be invited to things. After all, I was still in contact with Barry. I tried to explain to him that I was doing what I had to do, when it comes to dealing with Barry – because of he still scares me.

I even told him about the time that Mike stayed around, at the restaurant, because Barry was in a foul mood. How Barry had demanded to see me. “I want to talk to my wife!” (this was after the divorce) How I listened behind the door, as Mike stood in front of it, and told Barry that I was busy.

I tried to explain to Dad that I deal with Barry the way that I do – I’ve learned over the years – that I do those things to AVOID getting hurt. I do my best to not engage him. I don’t piss him off. I don’t let him know that he upsets me – when he says things like how I won’t be near the kids this Christmas.

How Barry used to tell me all of the time “Well you won’t get a divorce from me, you’d never see your family again. They love me more than you.” How, “Even after the divorce Barry would dangle the information of how much he hung out with Scott, and You; and how ya’ll talked about what a bitch I was for divorcing him.”

Dad didn’t have anything to say about this. Neither acknowledging it. Or denying it.

I told him what Scott had indicated to me, when I tried to explain to my brother, Why I was getting a divorce. How Scott told me that he didn’t agree with me and basically that I was terrible for divorcing HIS Brother. Then in the same conversation, told me that Barry had access to his guns. How this conversation is why I have such an animosity towards Scott. That I was under the impression that Scott would support Barry in harming me. Even going so far, as to allow him access to his own gun.

Dad actually thought that was wrong. Nobody should agree with someone hurting me in the way of shooting me. So I guess that’s something.

So what does Dad do. I’m thinking that he will say something to Scott. That he would say how maybe I might be doing something right. No. Dad wants to buy me a gun. A gun!!

I told Dad that I am not getting a gun. Ever.

Its not about guns being around the kids. I don’t worry about that. I know that he locks up his own. He has 6 of them. I know that Scott locks his up. He has 4 of them. I know that Mindy locks hers up. She and Tyler have 8 of them. I am not like the other people in my family. I am not a gun person. I do not want one.

Again, Dad wants to show his Loving Support for me by arming me. I told Dad that all I wanted was his support my decision to divorce. How all I wanted was him to tell me I was right. How I tried to get that from him for years. But instead I got lectured on marriage. I reminded him of the conversation when we sat out on the dock, one night. I had come over to tell him that I wanted his support in getting a divorce… and he gave me a lecture on how divorce was bad for children. He said that he remembered that conversation.
I told him : “You do realize that since the divorce the kids are actually doing better in school?”
He had no response to that.

I told him about how Rebecca and Daphne were released from therapy on Monday night. That its taken a year, but in the in their final therapy session, they each admitted to the abuse in our home. At their father’s hand. They no longer denied the things that had happened, and how they had been treated. They were able to clearly identify it; and voice it. So that perhaps they can change the pattern of abuse. I told him of my hopes, that through all of this; they will never have to live the way that I did. That even when asked by their therapist, “What do you think will happen when you have kids?” Rebecca had been the one to say: We will hurt them, and do the same things.

The therapist told them: “That’s why you are here. So that you can learn differently.”

And once again… a major lesson for Dad… and it goes unacknowledged. Unsupported. Untouched. It is like talking to the proverbial “brick wall”.

In the end: He wants to support me. But he wants to take me grocery shopping. He wants to throw money at me, and make it all better.

For me: I want his emotional support. I want him to say to me: “I’m proud of you.” Or, “I get it.” Or, “I see your point of view.” Or, “I’m sorry for my part in this.” Or, “Thank you for changing this.”

I would like to be acknowledge for what I am doing. To be thanked for having endured this hell of a relationship, so that I can learn it, identify it, and change it. To be told that, all of the hurt I endured was worth it, to some one. To be apologized too, for the pain I suffered. By him, for not only, not helping me get out of the marriage, but also turning me away. At his hand, as a child. And taught by him, that it was, normal. I’m never going to get any of that from him.

So instead of looking backwards and trying to heal the past, that won’t, can’t, or doesn’t want, to be healed. I can only try and heal the future.

Last night’s counseling session was a Lonnnnngggggg one. I was completely drained. I’m not surprised that I just tumbled into bed, without writing anything down. I’m surprised I even had the where with all, to even talk to my Sweetie, before crashing. Although I’m equally surprised that I fell asleep without clearing out my brain about it, first. Thank the gods for Vicodin.

Last night was a group session, with the counselor, D, Rebecca, Daphne, and me. I knew that it was going to happen. Especially after Barry failed to make their appointment, a group one, for last month. I asked about this, and D wanted to send a bill to Barry for it. Without me having to pay for it at all. She felt that it was only right, since he created the drama, that made the girls over 30 minutes late for the appointment.

The only other issue that was brought up last night, regarding Barry at all, was the when I told D about how Barry felt she did not like him. And that in a text conversation with Barry, I told him that this was unfounded, and that she did not come off as someone, who would make judgements about Barry, without having met him first. She then went on to say, that in her conversations with the girls, they didn’t talk about Barry at all. And thus, she was as much confused as I was, about how he would have gotten the impression that she did not like Barry. We looked to the girls for an explanation, about his impressions, and was completely stonewalled. Neither of the girls would confess to saying anything to Barry, about how their counseling, and thus D’s thoughts on him.

After which began the true discussion. At this point is when I brought up the timing of Barry’s comments. That he said this to me, when he also said that Daphne didn’t want to come to counseling any longer. That she didn’t feel comfortable with D. And how I had counter-minded his opinions, with my feelings; which were that Daphne didn’t like being held accountable for her actions by D, and yet that is exactly what we want our children to do. To grow up and become good adults. Adults that take responsibility for themselves.

This is when D pointed the discussion to Daphne. About her feelings of not wanting to come to counseling. And getting Daphne to talk about that.

D told Daphne, point-blank; “Look there’s only 3 ways that you get out of coming here. The 1st is that you do something really stupid; and we aren’t going to let you do that. The 2nd is that you physically stop getting into the car; and then your mom has some other options, that you probably won’t like. The 3rd is that I deem you are fine, don’t need to come, and I sign a letter telling your mom that; and then you’re free to stop.” Daphne just shrunk down in her seat.

At several points, I just wanted to reach out and pull Daphne close to my heart, and heal all of the hurt she was feeling. All of the things that she would rather just shove down into her gut, and never have to deal with. I am thankful that I was sitting on the couch next to her. And at least able to reach out and touch her arm, or stroke her hair.

Daphne really feels like she has no issues. That she has no problems that need to be addressed. She doesn’t want to have counseling at all. She would rather just pretend that nothing is wrong. I would love for that to be true. Yet, I wish that one of my parents had loved me enough to stand up and say: “You need help. And I’m not the best person to give it to you. We need to help you.”

I grew up in the same environment that I have brought my children up into. I then married a man, just like my father. I continued the cycle of unhealthy behavior. Even participating in that unhealthy behavior; both in reaction to my ex-husband’s abuse of me and my releasing my hurt on to my children. Who have learned this behavior. I do not want to see this cycle continue, into their marriages; or their children. They deserve better.

It stops here.

It stops now.

If counseling for the 2 of them, and then for their siblings, is what it takes. If them hating me for hours at a time, during therapy is what it takes. If them hurting, so that they can release that hurt, is what it takes. If they have to yell, scream, rant, rave, and verbally vomit all over journal entry, is what it takes. Then so be it. It stops.

It. Stops.

I don’t know if I was put here on this earth, chose this path before my birth, or simply created it after I got here; but this is the lesson before me. And I will not shrink from it. Divorcing Barry was the first step. Well, the second. The first one, was my own years of therapy: both group, and alone. Along with acupuncture, herbs, and lots and lots and lots of praying. It was not easy. It sucked so much. It hurt. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

But it was worth it.

Both steps were hard. Yet, they were worth it. My children are worth it.

So. Here we are. In counseling.

When D asked Daphne why she thought she was in therapy, Daphne and D responded about The Fight, back in February. I then quietly let them know; that was not my main concern. Mine was the action she took that night, to harm her body. When she scraped her skin with the sharp cutting edge of the packing tape.

Daphne got very defensive over this. D did her best to gently probe her for better answers. Althoug the story did change a little from Daphne’s first response, to her last one. She was very upset though… and closing down. So D was good at backing up. Even when I was gently probing Daphne with comments. Daphne said that she would never do such things, cause it was stupid. That only stupid people do such things. I replied with my own comments about how Daphne was not stupid. She is amazingly bright and smart. And that the actions of self-hurting have nothing to do with stupid or smart. They have only to do with hurt. “Hurt people… hurt, people.” I know, I’m the mom, and not the counselor, and should have just shut up. But I didn’t. This is my child. My baby. I need her to be whole and healthy, more than D does.

D, Daphne, and I talked about Daphne’s physical anger problem. Her lashing out at me the way she did, that night. D wanted to know if that was the only time Daphne had done that. Daphne claimed that it was. I know that its not. I know that there have been countless times, in the past where Daphne has shoved me, gotten up in my face, and smacked me. Daphne denied ever having done it. D pointed out, that if Daphne were to ever do this sort of behaviour again, she’d be looking at a felony charge of domestic violence. Something that would follow her around, on record, for the rest of her life. (*sort of like Barry… but we didn’t say that out loud*)

Rebecca was quiet for most of the time. I think she was a bit resentful of the attention that both D, and I, were giving to Daphne. I asked her if she was okay, at one point. She simply made a smart-assed comment. Which let me know that she wasn’t. But the focus was still on Daphne.

In the end, D said that she felt Daphne needed to work on her anger management. I mentioned to D at some point about the beautiful mandalas that Daphne had created for me just yesterday. D was take aback, but said that Daphne’s creative talent was a great thing. That they could use this as a base for some of Daphne’s healing work. She even went on to explain about other programs, like day camps, and weekend retreats for children like Daphne, that she had worked on in the past. Perhaps all of which might help Daphne to work through this. To find some new ways to deal with her anger.

D didn’t leave Rebecca out. She asked Rebecca how she dealt with her anger. When Rebecca described it: “I just keep it all in, then let it build up, and eventually just lash out all over the place.”

D said in return: “So you just verbally vomit all over people.”

Rebecca giggled and said: “Yep.”

D then, very quietly said: “That is almost worse than what your sister did.” Once a word is said, there is never a way to take it back. Ever. Words are the most powerful things in the world.

D pointed out to both of the girls that this was not surprising, since they had grown up in this sort of home. That this is what they had seen, and been taught. When she asked them, “Who do you think you learned this from?” I answered: “Mom and Dad.”

D looked at me. I went on to say: “Do you think that I never fought back? I did. I resisted. I fought sometimes. I took my hurt out on them. It was my fault too, for not being stronger. But I went to therapy. I sought counseling. I changed my behaviour. It wasn’t easy. But I did it. I had too. For them.”

D then said: “I’m proud of your mom for taking responsibility for her part in this.”

D gave each of the girls a handbook / workbook – a 12 session program, that specifically deals with anger management issues, for teens and young adults. Put out by the Federal Gov’t and thus free. Thankfully. But I would have paid for it, regardless. If its going to help them. Then I’d pay for it.

D said that some of the sessions can be put together, as we go along, and thus really get by with just 8 to 10. She told Daphne that if she will commit to the program, do the work in the handbook, really give it all that she has, and change her behaviours; then D will sign off to me that Daphne is free to end her therapy.

I told Daphne, “So by Christmas, if this works, you could be done. A light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. Deal?”

Daphne just nodded. She wouldn’t talk to me, the whole way home. I knew that she wouldn’t. I accept that she was upset and angry with me. It hurts that she wouldn’t even look at me. Yet, I can handle these moments of anger, and hurt, and having her shut me out; if it means that she will eventually be healthy and whole.

Our first session of this new program is next week, since they already have appointments scheduled for then. I pray that the 12 sessions of this handbook really do work. That my girls get the help that they really need. That they get the healing, and on a path to wholeness.

Bring healing to their hearts, and souls, and minds… Aho.