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Keeping your nose to the grindstone will only get you so far. You’ll never advance if you can’t socialize. Start small, then learn to work the crowd, today.

Even my horoscope is yelling at me. Slow the freak D. O. W. N.

I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying.

I am grateful for the boyfriend, who by being in my life, is keeping me from becoming a complete hermit crab. I never thought that I would be the kind of person who wanted to have a set-in-stone, weekly-date-night. But I do. I am really appreciating it right now. Even though not all of our dates are full of romance and passion, with fairy-tale kisses and firework-displays; they are perfectly suited to where I am right now, and what I need.

Last night was the perfect example of this. I had nothing planned, other than him coming over, and cooking a meal, maybe watching some of the TV show that he is introducing me too. He shared with me that he wanted to go out with this group of friends, for pizza. A group that he is slowing getting to know and enjoy their company, and I as well. They are all nice people, and of like-minds; so its nice to get to just be ourselves with them. It was a low-key, outing, where we got to see each other face-to-face, and hold hands, and talk about our days. All the while, sharing some food and good company with nice people.

So, to the Universe – I’m working on it. And Zack is helping. 🙂

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♋♋♋Daily Cancer Horoscope for 05 August 2015♋♋♋

If you are working closely with someone else or are moving closer, emotionally, to a friend, be mindful that the two of you will not always be on the exact same wavelength. It’s perfectly normal to be off track now and then. An event this afternoon, for example, might send each of you off into different directions, but don’t worry — you will both eventually come back to seeing things the same way. You are likely to be more emotional, while they will be more aloof. This is a good time to retire by yourself to your own private place. You seek and need comfort from the demands of the outside world, and having a pleasant relaxing time at home is probably the best way to accomplish this. Also this is a good time to go inside yourself and look at your attitudes, feelings and emotional orientation toward the world around you. You could do this by trying to bring out into the open those elements of yourself that usually remain hidden within you. But you could possibly become so overwhelmed by these elements that nothing of value will be accomplished. This is not so likely to happen, however, if you make the effort to look inside yourself consciously. People in authoritative positions may delay your work in order to take out personal grudges of the past. And this may be a cause of great concern for you, as it will not only impact the present events but also your future ventures too. At this time, just enjoy the domestic bliss you have and this will evoke greater enthusiasm in you. You may experience certain vague symptoms of a typical illness which has never affected you earlier. By the end of the day you will be able to figure out what it is! Focus on yourself and your personal needs too. In fact this is a wonderful time to groom your own self. Make yourself as much attractive as you can!

Perception.
For some parts of this horoscope yesterday I thought: “Yep, I did that.”
If you based my day based upon the one (1) text message I sent out to a few of my closest friends, then I had a pretty awful afternoon, and evening. No dinner. Loads of stuff to clean up. Errands list a mile long. No help from anyone, but my own two (2) hands and my own funds to get any of it done. I ended up creating domestic bliss in my home, and loving it while I was crossing things off the list that I had written out, in my moments of frustration, of being so alone and not having anyone’s support for me.

For other parts, I thought, “Well, that was totally off base.”
I don’t remember feeling any sort of symptoms of anything. I didn’t have much of an appetite but that is not too unusual, right? Nor do I have a boss who is hampering with my success. I am my own boss. Hmmmmmmmm

Yet, if I were to really look, I can see how 99% of this is correct.
I did get text communications from the people that I’ve known for a long time, who know me the best, and have always had my back. Who love me. Love my brothers to the moon and back! I did have some symptoms of illness – or as I’d like to see it ‘change’. In the end, I noticed that I am was missing the feeling of envy about being alone, at the end of the day. As for my boss, I can see how a new client’s failure to follow-up with what I asked, which has always bothered me in the past about previous employers, may hamper my future success.

I totally failed the last two (2) lines, I looked like crap yesterday. I was not well-groomed. My hair was half-thrown up in a ponytail. The kind that are only half-pulled through at the end, and thus like this bobbing bunch of hair, on the back of my head. Which would have been fine, except that I should have pulled it all the way through one more time, before I did the half-way – so by the time I got to the grocery store, it was falling down my neck, heading towards my butt, at a ferocious rate, and looked like a dead animal, hanging from my head. Which would have been fine, but I ran into people that know. Some of them I’d like to impress. This was not my best-groomed self to present, to the world. They made no comment at all, just greeting me as if I were still wonderful.

I guess its all about perception.

Tim, Elise and I took a trip to the Apple Hill region last year.  Lots of different apples, cider, and fritters to make us all sick, if we weren’t careful.  50 years ago a few of the local farms, orchards, got together to promote tourism in their area.  They have grown, and the line of cars can stretch for miles.  Its so worth it though.  I always learn so many new things.  Like how many different varieties of pumpkins, and squash are being grown now.  🙂

I’m grateful that we went as early as we did, this year.  And on a Sunday rather than a Saturday.  I can only imagine how much more crowded it would have been. 

Pumpkins!!! Although we were there for the apples, and all that can be done with them... I was surprised to learn so much about pumpkins.   Ahhhhhhh

Pumpkins!!!
Although we were there for the apples, and all that can be done with them… I was surprised to learn so much about pumpkins.
Ahhhhhhh

The scenery though is just breath taking.  I love the way it all looks.  I was surprised at how warm it got though.  Even being up in the mountains, although Tim kept reminding me that we were only in the hills.  LoL

The scenery though is just breath taking. I love the way it all looks. I was surprised at how warm it got though. Even being up in the mountains, although Tim kept reminding me that we were only in the hills. LoL

These were growing right on the side of the highway.  Interchanged with roses.  The winerys all seem to grow some sort of flowers at the ends of their rows of grapevines.   Tim says that they, along with the shiney bits of streamers, are to attract the bees.  To get them to have a bit of "Fun" ;) in their vines.

These were growing right on the side of the highway. Interchanged with roses. The winerys all seem to grow some sort of flowers at the ends of their rows of grapevines.
Tim says that they, along with the shiney bits of streamers, are to attract the bees. To get them to have a bit of “Fun” 😉 in their vines.

Another Day trip - another Wine tasting.  We can't take a day trip in NorCal without a stop at a local winery.  It would just not do.  LoL This one though was not all that great.  We had a better time with the vinegar tastings at the Fudge Factory.

Another Day trip – another Wine tasting. We can’t take a day trip in NorCal without a stop at a local winery. It would just not do. LoL This one though was not all that great.
We had a better time with the vinegar tastings at the Fudge Factory.

We had a Blast!

We had a Blast!

“If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day so I don’t have to live a day without you.”
-Winnie the Pooh

I’m not trying to be morbid. But seriously, what of death?

In the last year, death has come for, and taken my God-mother. I was not expecting it to come for her that cold night in March. I was not prepared for her crossing through the, of this reality into the next lifetime. Yet, I know that death is something that is going to happen to all of us.

There are thoughts on the veil that separates us from, different realities. There are thoughts on a specific place, where we live out the rest of our lives. Hanging out with our other loved ones, who’ve already made the leap. Where we are never hungry, and get to do whatever we want, for eternity, such as Heaven. Then of course there are the thoughts that if you behave a certain way, then the opposite of heaven is, where you work all the time, and are always hungry; named Hell. There are thoughts that we really don’t “go” anywhere specific, we are just reborn into another body. There are thoughts that we simply dissipate, and return to a form of pure energy.

Someone posted to FaceBook this: “What if the Light at the End of the Tunnel, is just another Vagina?”

That pretty much sums up how I feel. Death is a change from this existence to the next one. Whatever that “next one” is.

Knowing this though doesn’t make the grief of death any easier. It still hurts. It still makes me miss getting to talk to my God-mother. Getting to ask her advice about everything from dealing with my parents, to how to fix an accounting error. I don’t get to see her smiling face at family events any more. I miss her so much some days, that my chest aches.

I have to say that not knowing she was going to die really made her death shocking. More so, because while she wasn’t perfect, she tried to get healthy, and stay healthy. None of us, that I know of, knew that she could even be in the position of dying.

Now I am faced with the reality of someone I love very much, dying. I do know to expect it. To prepare for it. It doesn’t seem to make the idea any easier though. In all of the dreams about how my life might go, did I include this. I don’t know how to act, or react.

I don’t know the exact date. I’ve asked my girlfriend not to tell me that part. I do want to be there when the moment comes. I think more for her sake, after all its her husband who is not going to outlive any of us. So she has agreed to contact me if its a matter of hours, or days.

I love them, my Sweetie and her. They are my couple and my rocks, and my deepest confidants, and my advice-givers, and my shoulders to lean upon. They boost me up when I’m at my lowest, and help me to celebrate when I’m riding , on the top of waves. I know that I will feel this deep sense of grief too, we are very close, all of us. He is probably the one person in the world, who knows more about me than any other person on the planet. Every secret I can think, that I’ve got. Every worry, and every fear. Including this one.

What will I do when he is gone? And how very selfish is that to think and ponder about? After all, I will still be alive and able to taste sweet strawberries. She will no longer have her husband and he will no longer be here to see the beauty of a sunset.

Tim McGraw’s song : Live like you were Dying, comes to mind. And we do a lot of that. We take trips together. We watch good movies. We root for the Giants. We eat delicious Tim burgers. We laugh. We cuddle on the couch. We soak up each moment that we are given together. They are numbered for every one, but do we know that? Really know that?

We don’t talk about this subject though. It makes me cry and he hates to see me cry. I try to not think about it, but occasionally it rears its ugly head and growls at me. Sometimes the thoughts of what life will be like, 10 years from now, scare me. I don’t like to think of a time, when I can’t call him up, and get his advice, on what to do with a teenager who thinks, she is 30.

In the end it is their decision. Their lives that will be ultimately changed forever. I am not privy to certain conversations, or decisions. But I live with the consequences just the same. For right now, I am grateful that I get to witness it, and be a small part in all of it.

For those people who know me, and this situation: There are some who say, “You can just walk away.” I can’t actually. While I’m not married to him legally, nor would I ever want to usurp her role, as his wife. I may not be married to him, but I love them both as much, as if I were. I’m in it until death do us part.

In the end it is Death. It is still a change. It is still something that each of us will experience. As the saying goes:

Nobody Gets out Alive!

So recently its been brought to my attentions that I am not doing well. My sleep is off. My appetite is off. My moods are all over the place. My Sweetie and my brothers, have started getting “up my butt” – in a good and gentle way – about taking some time for myself.

I’m listening. Finally.

Tonight is Sister Circle, and while I need to go and get all juiced up, I don’t feel like driving down there, only to turn around and drive home tonight; and then drive back down again tomorrow night. Why not just stay over? Cause its cold. I mean bitterly cold out tonight; and I don’t want to sleep out there if I don’t have too. While Kelli had room for me last month, she may not have room for me this month. And I really do want to just lay back, and relax. I don’t feel like going there, and being all social with a bunch of people. People that I adore and love, but I know that I have nothing left to give to them, and Circle is as much about giving, as it is about receiving.

The kids are all going to Barry’s tonight, so I know that I don’t have to worry about their well-being this weekend. There are a bunch of projects that I would like to get accomplished, around the house and out in the yard. The pool desperately needs to be cleaned out. I know that I should be doing so much more, but instead I went and had a massage today.

I love my Sweetheart so much. Tim takes incredibly good care of me, especially considering the distance. He sent me a gift certificate for Valentine’s Day for massages. Yes, that’s an (S) as in multiple massages. Like I said, he takes amazing care of me. He knows how much I need to relax.. and that was 3 weeks ago! Imagine how much I need to relax at this point?!

When I got to the spa I looked at the ‘fun cards’. There are several decks to play with. Each deck is different. By different artists. Different themes. I like to that regardless of your spiritual bent, you won’t be offended by them. I always choose the same deck, because it seems that no matter what I think I will get, I get some thing completely different. AND its always something that I really need to hear. To be reminded of. Today’s card was…

I ask the Universe for what I want and need. Then I allow the Universe to give it to me.

Or something similar to that. I sat with that idea the whole massage. I really do need to not only ask the Universe for what I want. Or get so out of balance with myself, that other forces / people / places / things start to inflict their will on me, to put me back into balance. I need to also sit there with my hands out stretched – opened – palm up – and say: “Yes. Thank you I will take that.”

I’d love a nice dinner out – but I am not asking anyone to go out with me, because I can’t afford to do take them out. And that is one of the problems with me lately, assuming the responsibility of everyone else’ needs, instead of just taking care of my own.
So for tonight – I’m just going to make some food that I like, and curl up on my couch, to decompress.

I think that some brussels sprout crack is calling my name.