Very well actually. (*shocked*)  Even when I’m not trying to grow stuff.

I had planted some eggplant seeds, back when I planted all of the other seeds. Back when the peas, the beans, the squashes, the tomatoes, the cucumbers and broccoli, collards, celery, and lettuce all came up; the eggplants barely showed their sweet faces.  The few little seedlings that came up, I gave half of, to my Momma.  Her’s grew, tall and strong.  I even was blessed with some of her crop.  I enjoyed those 2 yummy fruits.  My plants hid under their neighbors.

She told me how she tended to her’s.  She thought that if I did the same things, then my plants would flourish.  She was trying to get more from her plants, but they had other plans. She gave them back to the earth a few weeks ago. I took time to pull out the dead plants, in my planter, as well.  Giving gratitude for the lessons, that I am capable of growing plants.

I found 2 wee eggplants, still shyly hiding in the undergrowth.  Along with a brand new  squash, that had decided to sprout up, from a previous fruit, I had not harvested. I told them that, they could stay as they wanted.  I didn’t expect them to grow.

I was wrong.

They Grew!!!!

They Grew!!!!

They grew big and full of leaves.  Momma told me that if I snipped off bits, here and there, that I could get some fruit from them.  I just left them alone.  I have never been very good at tending to the garden.  Then 1 day it gave me a beautiful sight.

Flowers!!!

Flowers!!!

Dozens of pretty lavender colored flowers.  I have been enjoying their beauty for a couple of weeks now.  Last week I saw this.

Eggplants!!!

Eggplants!!!

Yes.

Yes. I am the proud mommy of a dozen baby eggplants. They are so cute.  So happy looking there, on the plant.  Soooooooooooooo Purple. 🙂

Happy Eggplant.

Happy Eggplant.

I’m soaking up their happiness.

I really am not sure how to post this. I mean, my head understands that they are going to keep growing up. That really is the purpose of it all, right? Yet, my heart keeps wanting to make them slow-the-fuck-down, on this whole ‘growing up’ thing.
Today they went to the beach.
By.
Themselves!

(*shock*)
((*sob*))
(((*sigh*)))

They knew that I had a client today in Cocoa Beach. They wanted to go to the beach. They wanted me to just give them a lift there and then go assist my client. They acted as if this were the most normal thing in the world to do.

((((***sighhhhhhh***)))))

My Baby Girls.... all growing up and shit.

My Baby Girls…. all growing up and shit.

Ever just Love ❤ another soul, soooooooooooooo much, that your heart will burst?
Ever have that person who holds you up, and smacks you in the ass, when you need it…. at the same time?
Ever know as person, who’s very walk, inspires you to try and become a better woman?
I’m am so Very Blessed that these 3 people, live, walk, talk, and love inside of this woman.
I’m beyond Grateful that she calls me, Sister.

 

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Tim, Elise and I took a trip to the Apple Hill region last year.  Lots of different apples, cider, and fritters to make us all sick, if we weren’t careful.  50 years ago a few of the local farms, orchards, got together to promote tourism in their area.  They have grown, and the line of cars can stretch for miles.  Its so worth it though.  I always learn so many new things.  Like how many different varieties of pumpkins, and squash are being grown now.  🙂

I’m grateful that we went as early as we did, this year.  And on a Sunday rather than a Saturday.  I can only imagine how much more crowded it would have been. 

Pumpkins!!! Although we were there for the apples, and all that can be done with them... I was surprised to learn so much about pumpkins.   Ahhhhhhh

Pumpkins!!!
Although we were there for the apples, and all that can be done with them… I was surprised to learn so much about pumpkins.
Ahhhhhhh

The scenery though is just breath taking.  I love the way it all looks.  I was surprised at how warm it got though.  Even being up in the mountains, although Tim kept reminding me that we were only in the hills.  LoL

The scenery though is just breath taking. I love the way it all looks. I was surprised at how warm it got though. Even being up in the mountains, although Tim kept reminding me that we were only in the hills. LoL

These were growing right on the side of the highway.  Interchanged with roses.  The winerys all seem to grow some sort of flowers at the ends of their rows of grapevines.   Tim says that they, along with the shiney bits of streamers, are to attract the bees.  To get them to have a bit of "Fun" ;) in their vines.

These were growing right on the side of the highway. Interchanged with roses. The winerys all seem to grow some sort of flowers at the ends of their rows of grapevines.
Tim says that they, along with the shiney bits of streamers, are to attract the bees. To get them to have a bit of “Fun” 😉 in their vines.

Another Day trip - another Wine tasting.  We can't take a day trip in NorCal without a stop at a local winery.  It would just not do.  LoL This one though was not all that great.  We had a better time with the vinegar tastings at the Fudge Factory.

Another Day trip – another Wine tasting. We can’t take a day trip in NorCal without a stop at a local winery. It would just not do. LoL This one though was not all that great.
We had a better time with the vinegar tastings at the Fudge Factory.

We had a Blast!

We had a Blast!

Atonement:
noun
1. satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends.

I think I am ready to become more authentic. This of course means that I have to own up to a lot of shit, and drop a bunch of masks that I hide behind. Both of which, will show me to be a pretty ugly person to be around.

Which is a judgment of myself – and something that I should atone for as well.

Which leads to a vicious cycle of atonement.

Which leads to hopefully a more authentic self.

But its got to start some place. Here is just a good a place as any.

The problem is that I am afraid to atone for who I am, and what I’ve done in my life, because its some pretty messed up shit. I am not a very nice person. I have a laundry list of faults and personality traits that are crappy at best… and truly hurtful at worse. To admit these things to anyone would make people not like me. I want to be liked.

Problem with that line of thinking, is that while it would be easy to just keep on being this person, who lives behind these masks; and hides these parts of myself from everyone… is that I want to be a better me.

I can’t do both at the same time.

Its time for me to grow and shed these ‘safe and pretty’ masks that I’ve created. To put them down. Bury them. Or better yet, just burn them in a big ole bonfire, so that they can’t ever be worn again.

But I’m scared.

They are pretty masks. They are heavy masks. Sometimes I loose track of which one I’m wearing. Of which lie I’m trying to live. I get caught up in trying to maintain them and present to everyone this idea I’ve created of who I am, that I stumble. I slip up. I accidentally show the ugly parts of myself.

Which makes me question why I am doing this.

Am I doing this whole exercise to just show yet, another beautifully created mask. One that is attempting to atone and become a more authentic Me? Or am I really ready to do the actual hard-assed, nitty-gritty, nasty-tasting-medicine work that is required?

I want to say the latter… I fear that it is just another falsehood.

So there’s this boy band. LoL

Rebecca is in love with the boys of this band. She has got their posters alllllll over her room. She wanted to go and see them in concert. The tickets sold out in hours of going up. Tim came to the rescue back in January. He even bought a 3rd ticket for Rebecca to take a friend. After all what is a concert experience if you can’t take your very best BFF? Yet, he respected me as her mom, and knew that I felt she needed to earn and respect this gift that was coming her way. To be grateful for it. So he agreed that she and her friend, would have to earn the money to pay for the 3rd ticket. Well they did. It shocked me. And I think it shocked them too.

So I picked the girls up early from school and drove them to Tampa. I even wore the shirt that Rebecca made me, so that I wouldn’t look too geeky, in front of the other fans there. 🙂

While it was a beautiful night for music, and the seats were literally perfect for viewing the concert. Not the upper nosebleed section where you had to crane your neck down to see the ant-like people. Not on the bottom where you had to crane your neck up, to see their feet. We were able to view them straight ahead, and close enough to make them all out individually. Despite all of this, I enjoyed watching Rebecca’s reaction to everything, more than anything.

If I could give her a life experience where she got to live like ‘this’ every moment, of every day… I would.

So I can take videos with my new phone. 🙂

Which is a good thing, because there are no words to describe how very proud of Bronwyn I am. Or to show you how amazing she is, as a cheerleader. So this video of her first cheer, at her first game, of her last year at the middle school will have to be enough.