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Every yesterday.
Every tomorrow.

Its not that I’m sad. Or mad. Or even upset. Those feelings have faded. Its not even love. Or wanting.

Its a wistfulness. A wondering at what could’ve been. Should’ve been. But won’t ever be, because of the choices of others.

Choices born out of fear. And hurt. And sadness at what was for them in the past. Those feelings of not-enough. And different. And less. That made them want to choose this.

Understanding is what’s left now. As time marches on, one day a bit of sympathy might mingle in, from time to time.

But know, regardless of how, over the years, those feelings change, I’m still here, waiting to tell you face to face: “Thank you for choosing to be born, and for having chosen me to come thru.”

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Happy Birthday “C”.

I am sitting here on this beautiful Sunday. The sky is a perfect blue and the clouds are lazy in the sky. I am watching flowers bloom and vegetable plants getting stronger. I am sitting in my Momma’s rocking chair. The chair that she rocked all of us in; one that she gave me when my own daughter was born. I am checking my emails and updating on a Yahoo group that I own for women who live in Florida and are in the surrogacy world, either as SM’s or IP’s.

In back to back postings are 2 women whom I’ve come to love and adore. One is an IM, S, who has 2 sons from previous journeys, and 2 daughters who were born via surrogacy this past Monday. She writes about being tired and blessed, loving every minute of the chaos that 2 new lives brings. The joy that she is finding in motherhood to girls. Who obviously pee differently. LOL

The next posting is an SM, N, who is the proud mother of 5 children, and 2 surrogacy journeys. Who birthed her own daughter prematurely at 20 weeks. She writes of being tired and blessed, loving her daughter and the sadness that her passing brings. The peace that she is hoping to find one day. Which is such a hard thing when your daughter dies.

I am reminded this sunshine morning that life is full of duality. The biggest joys are also met with and balanced with the biggest sorrows. I want to dance around the room for S. I want to crawl up into a ball for N. I find myself laughing at the stories from S. Then crying my heart out for the story of N’s daughter’s birth.

I watch my children playing in the yard. Teasing and chasing each other. I think about the blessings that their lives have given me. Who would I be had they not come into my life. I love who I am, and part of the person I am today is because of them.

I remember the lives of those children who blessed me as well, even if I was never to hold them in my arms.

I guess I should look on the bright side of things… although I admit that it is hard.

My house got cleaned.
I have enough hotdogs and buns to last me the next 2 months.
I got my backyard prettied up.
The bonfire is nice to sit around and think by.
Barry got his wish of not having to hang out with a whole bunch of ‘women’.
I did have enough chairs for the people who were here… my family.

I am going to bed for a nice long nap… maybe I will feel better later.

Of course.

Why doesn’t it surprise me? I should know better by now. One would think that at this point I could have learned my lesson on this issue. How many times do I have to go through this to learn it? How many more times do I have to be disappointed to figure it out?

Nobody, is coming afterall to our SIF GTG. Well, maybe Stacie, cause she lives just 5 minutes away and all, but I am not even holding out hope for her. I am sure that something will come up for her, like dealing with school or another Kendra drama. That will make it impossible for her to show up either.

8 women ~ who all were so happy ~ all were so enthusiastic ~ all who just couldn’t wait ~ all who thrilled to be coming to my home today. To meet up and not just be faceless people on the Yahoo group site. Not a single one of them is coming. Even though this particular GTG was to include spouses, and children, and IM”s (or GS’s), and friends. Nothing like the past where people couldn’t show up because one of the above people couldn’t be left behind, or felt left out.

Now it is just Barry, the kids, and me. Roasting hot dogs around the bonfire. Cranky cause I put so much pressure on them, to get our home clean; and now just miserable, because it was for naught. I am not even sure how to make it up to them. We have roasted our hot dogs, ate our ‘treat’ chips, and started to put food away before it spoils. The children did a great job in getting their rooms clean, even the older girls cleaning their bathroom so that people wouldn’t get grossed out by all of the teenaged-girly stuff laying about while they tried to relieve their bladders.

I am just reminded of so many times when my mother would plan a birthday party for me. Always held the same weekend of July 4th, and always seemed to be a bust, because of the date. Later on, it was as a teenager and nobody showed up for things because they were busy with boyfriends that weekend.

Once I had my children it was always the same story… “Oh of course we are all going to be there when the baby comes. We will bring you meals. We will come help with the laundry. We will help you out.” Not a single person kept their promise… once Stacie brought me some fast-food, which was good. Cause my girls were really tired of making their own pb&j sandwiches.

The Tupperware parties, Pampered chef parties, Candlelite parties, Princess house parties, Play dates for the girls, dinners, Open houses, you name it… it is always the same. “Oh I can’t wait to come…” followed by “Oh I can’t come…”

But like all of those other times in my history, I get my hopes up. Why oh why do I let myself hope? I swear I am the world’s biggest idiot. I really should know better my now. It is always going to come down to everybody thinking the following….

“Everybody thought Somebody would do it.
Somebody thought that Anybody could do it.
Anybody was sure that Nobody would flake out but them.
Ended up that Nobody was the only one who did it.”

And people wonder why I get so cranky sometimes. When I feel like it would be nice for Somebody to take the moment to think that perhaps, just perhaps, Marcella could use the friend too.

Even if it means it might be an inconvenience for them.

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